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February 7, 2009 - February 13, 2009 | Issue 45•06

Cheney Dunk Tank Raises $800 Billion For Nation

WASHINGTON—Organizers reported Sunday that the 44th White House Carnival was a rousing success, raising a record $800,000,066,845 for the federal government—$800 billion of which came from...

'This Is The Happiest Day Of My Life,' Lies Man Holding Baby

issue 4506 | 02.07.09 | News

PASADENA, CA—After estimating that he had held her long enough, Dan Rudloff quickly found a suitable candidate to whom he could relinquish... more»
Annoying Stickler Insists On Every Detail Of Space Mission Being Exactly Right

issue 4506 | 02.06.09 | News

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In addition to his insistence on mission coordinates being accurate, John Wilkins reportedly spends all his time obsessing... more»
Action Figure Fights On Despite Loss Of Dragon Sword

issue 4506 | 02.03.09 | News

SETH’S BEDROOM—"I am more powerful than the most powerful man on earth, who is me," shouted Huntarr the Warrior, after performing the splits... more»
Per Tradition, Ex-Presidents Watch Obamas Christen White House Bed

issue 4506 | 02.06.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Honoring one of the longest-standing rituals in American history, former presidents Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush, Bill... more»
Years Of Networking, Glad-Handing Sabotaged By Coworker's Good Idea

issue 4506 | 02.06.09 | News In Brief

SEATTLE—After devoting nearly a decade of his life to brown-nosing and back-scratching every person who might have the authority to... more»
Dad Tests Limits Of Cheesecake Factory Vibrating Pager

issue 4506 | 02.05.09 | News In Brief

DENVER—After receiving the device intended to alert him when his family's table at the Cheesecake Factory was ready, local father... more»
Liberals Horrified By Lack Of Inexperience Among Obama Appointees

issue 4506 | 02.04.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Following Barack Obama's appointment to his cabinet of several veteran Clinton administration officials and a number of... more»
Area Throat-Clearer To Go See Movie

issue 4506 | 02.04.09 | News In Brief

CARBONDALE, PA—Local throat-clearer Leon Pollack, 32, confirmed with reporters Tuesday that he planned to see the 6:15 p.m. showing of... more»
Guidance Counselor Reminds Self-Mutilating Drug User About SAT Deadlines

issue 4506 | 02.03.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Concerned about Derek Hodge's future and his ability to ultimately succeed in life, Taft High School guidance counselor Janice... more»
Death Withdraws Icy Hand From Shoulder Of Caroline Kennedy

issue 4506 | 02.02.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Rather than bestowing a final, icy tap to Caroline Kennedy's unsuspecting clavicle, the ethereal entity known as Death... more»
Dog Finds Absolutely Perfect Place To Shit

issue 4506 | 02.02.09 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, OR—After carefully examining every inch of sidewalk within a four block radius of his home Tuesday, local dog Sigmund, 4,... more»
Polamaluesque Puppy Dominates Puppy Bowl

issue 4506 | 02.05.09 | Sports News

SILVER SPRING, MD—In Onion Sports: Feisty, athletic, enthusiastic, dreadlocked: Little Troy Pupamalu was the deciding factor in this year's... more»
Digital TV Conversion Delayed

issue 4506 | 02.09.09 | American Voices

Congress voted to move the conversion to digital television from Feb. 17 to June 12 because of a shortage of government funding for coupons that... more»
Most-Wanted Nazi Believed Dead In Cairo

issue 4506 | 02.06.09 | American Voices

News reports suggest Aribert Heim, a Nazi war criminal known as Dr. Death, died in Cairo in 1992. What do you think? more»
Disney Fails To Meet Expectations

issue 4506 | 02.05.09 | American Voices

With no breakout hit and theme park attendance down, Walt Disney's fiscal first-quarter earnings were down 32 percent compared to the same period... more»
Arizona Super Bowl Viewers Shown Pornography

issue 4506 | 02.04.09 | American Voices

Comcast cable subscribers in Tucson, AZ were surprised when a 30-second clip of a woman taking a man's erect penis out of his pants interrupted the... more»
Daschle Paid $220,000 By Health Care Industry

issue 4506 | 02.03.09 | American Voices

President Obama's pick for secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Daschle, has received almost a quarter million dollars in speaking fees from... more»
Obama Decries Wall Street Bonuses

issue 4506 | 02.02.09 | American Voices

Last week, Barack Obama called Wall Street executives who awarded themselves $18.4 billion at the end of 2008 as "shameful." What do you... more»
Sales Team Transforms Itself Into Giant Robot Sales Tiger

issue 4506 | 02.09.09 | Radio
Investigators Still Sorting Out 4-Hearse Crash

issue 4506 | 02.08.09 | Radio
Unidentified Source Never Knows When To Leave

issue 4506 | 02.07.09 | Radio
New HBO Kidz Channel To Air Uncensored Children's Programming

issue 4506 | 02.06.09 | Radio
Village In Nepal Constructed Entirely Of Frozen Mountain Climbers

issue 4506 | 02.05.09 | Radio
Weeklong Dishwasher Failure Forces Man To Drink Out Of Muffin Tray

issue 4506 | 02.04.09 | Radio
AT&T Lays Off 30,000 Automated Operators

issue 4506 | 02.03.09 | Radio
Bangladesh Runs Out Of People

issue 4506 | 02.04.07 | Radio
Japan Spotted Hovering Over Algeria

issue 4506 | 02.04.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - February 9, 2009

issue 4506 | 02.09.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Editorial Cartoon - February 2, 2009

issue 4506 | 02.02.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Sellout Crowd Greets Sellout Band

issue 4506 | 02.03.09 | News In Photos
Survive This Recession? Do I Look Like I'm Madoff Money?

issue 4506 | 02.03.09 | Columnists

Folks, times sure have gotten tough, economically speaking. There's no point in splitting hairs here (it'd take too long to find one on this... more»
Ask A Wise Old Navajo Man Who Could Really Go For A Hamburger Right Now

issue 4506 | 02.05.09 | Advice

Dear Wise Old Navajo Man Who Could Really Go For A Hamburger Right Now, My husband and I take lots of vacations together.... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4506 | 02.03.09 | Horoscopes
'Friday The 13th' Franchise Relaunched

issue 4506 | 02.04.09 | Infographic

Next week, Paramount Pictures is releasing a newly retooled Friday The 13th, produced by Michael Bay and directed by Marcus Nispel,... more»
Black History Month: Harriet Tubman

issue 4506 | 02.04.09 | Statshot
In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?

issue 4506 | 02.04.09 | Video

Our panelists debate whether TV programs like A Double Shot At Love and The Bad Girls Club depict unattainable levels of skankiness. more»
Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team

issue 4506 | 02.02.09 | Video

The Giants Coach said he valued the years he spent with his family, but wants to focus on more important things now. more»
Political Friendships

issue 4506 | 02.16.09 | Slideshow
Sex & Romance

issue 4506 | 02.09.09 | Slideshow
What It Means To Be An American Ladder

issue 4506 | 02.06.09 | Sunday Magazine
Stuart Scott Has ESPN Sunday Conversation With Terrible Towel

issue 4506 | 02.05.09 | Photo Finish
Song About Female Empowerment Sung Alone In Shower

issue 4506 | 02.02.09 | Newswire
Snowball Argument Escalates Into Snowball Fight

issue 4506 | 02.02.09 | Newswire
Digital Television Converter Covered With Foil

issue 4506 | 02.02.09 | Newswire
Last Sentence Of Book Read Slightly Slower

issue 4506 | 02.02.09 | Newswire