Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 14, 2009 - February 20, 2009 | Issue 45•07

Man Somehow Getting Worse At Sex

ATLANTA—Despite having more than a decade of experience and being in fairly good physical shape, 32-year-old publisher's...

Girl Would Be Terrified If She Knew Teacher Had Crush On Her Too

issue 4507 | 02.14.09 | News

BOISE, ID—Rebecca Hodgson has been charmed by her teacher's passion for the English language, a passion that pales in comparison to his... more»
Hero Woman Changes In Front Of Open Window

issue 4507 | 02.13.09 | News

NEW YORK—Local heroine Emily, the smokin' hot neighbor lady from across the street, was seen selflessly changing her clothes within full... more»
Japan Pledges To Halt Production Of Weirdo Porn That Makes People Puke

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | News

TOKYO—"We had no idea people did not enjoy this stuff," said one official, expressing regret for the bondage, rape, and utensil-rape porn... more»
Nation's Couples Descend On Nation's Rotating Restaurants

issue 4507 | 02.13.09 | News In Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Looking to experience the kind of timeless, romantic atmosphere that only a ring-shaped, 50-foot-tall, motorized eatery... more»
K-Y Introduces New Line Of Jam

issue 4507 | 02.12.09 | News In Brief

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Johnson & Johnson, manufacturer of the nation's most popular personal lubricant, K-Y Jelly, held a press conference... more»
First Grandma, Treasury Secretary Geithner Up All Night Talking, Laughing

issue 4507 | 02.11.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Accounts from several White House staffers suggest Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner and the president's live-in... more»
Gold Bracelet Picked Up At Pharmacy

issue 4507 | 02.11.09 | News In Brief

ORO VALLEY, AZ—After spending a full minute holding the bracelet next to a small white bear hugging a jar of Hershey's kisses, James... more»
Obama Debuts Annoying Catchphrase

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In an unexpected turn of events that even his most ardent supporters are calling extremely ill-advised, President Obama,... more»
Report: Guy On Bench Going To Town On Meatball Sub

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | News In Brief

ARLINGTON, VA—According to witnesses at the scene, a man sitting on a park bench with an empty paper bag lying across his lap is at... more»
Ex-Girlfriend Making Huge Mistake

issue 4507 | 02.09.09 | News In Brief

CLEVELAND—Tracy Anderton is making a tremendous mistake by thinking she can find happiness with a successful trial lawyer, ex-boyfriend... more»
A-Rod Dead At 33

issue 4507 | 02.12.09 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Baseball legend and mythical figure A-Rod, the New York Yankee third baseman and three-time American League Most Valuable Player,... more»
Former eBay CEO Running For Governor

issue 4507 | 02.13.09 | American Voices

Meg Whitman, the former CEO of the auction website eBay, announced her 2010 bid for the governorship of California. What do you think? more»
Michelle Obama To Be On 'Vogue' Cover

issue 4507 | 02.12.09 | American Voices

The March issue of the fashion magazine Vogue will feature first lady Michelle Obama. What do you think? more»
Marijuana Use Linked To Testicular Cancer

issue 4507 | 02.11.09 | American Voices

A study from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle found that marijuana smokers had an increased risk of developing testicular... more»
134 Ice Fishermen Rescued

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | American Voices

After the ice sheet they were fishing on broke away from the shore this weekend, 134 men had to be rescued by helicopter from Lake Erie. What do... more»
Area Man Bores Pants Off Date

issue 4507 | 02.15.09 | Radio
U.S. Teens Lead World In Pregnancy-Test Scores

issue 4507 | 02.14.09 | Radio
Emoticon Typo Commits Woman To 2nd Date

issue 4507 | 02.13.09 | Radio
Man Convinces Girlfriend To Join 'Trapped Half Mile Underground' Club

issue 4507 | 02.12.09 | Radio
Talking Sex Toy To Spice Up Relationships

issue 4507 | 02.12.09 | Radio
Scientists Teach Drug-Addicted Bee To Perform Oral Sex For Cocaine

issue 4507 | 02.11.09 | Radio
14 Sperm Bank Workers Drown In Tragic Spill

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | Radio
Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly

issue 4507 | 02.10.07 | Radio
Dad Keeps Dropping Hints About Mom's Sexual Proclivities

issue 4507 | 02.10.07 | Radio
Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breakup

issue 4507 | 02.10.07 | Radio
Sex Official Add New Base Between Second And Third

issue 4507 | 02.10.07 | Radio
Heart-Shaped Jacuzzi Clogged Again

issue 4507 | 02.11.09 | News In Photos
Cute Couple On Same Antidepressant

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | News In Photos
I Wish I'd Spent Valentine's Day Eating A Prix Fixe Dinner, But I Was Too Busy Getting Beheaded

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | Commentary

Is it Valentine's Day already? My word! How the time does fly. I might have missed the day entirely had I not caught a glimpse of all the... more»
Your Love Horoscopes

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | Horoscopes
Celebrities Celebrate Valentine's Day

issue 4507 | 02.11.09 | Infographic

Like most Americans, celebrity couples enjoy going out to eat or buying flowers around this time of year. How are Hollywood... more»
Black History Month: George Washington Carver

issue 4507 | 02.11.09 | Statshot
FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

issue 4507 | 02.11.09 | Video

Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness. more»
Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

issue 4507 | 02.09.09 | Video

Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box... more»
Relationship Tips

issue 4507 | 02.06.09 | Tips

Many couples find their relationships stuck in a rut after they've been together for a while. Here are some ways to rekindle the fires of... more»
The Week In Review

issue 4507 | 02.15.09 | Slideshow
Vigorously Rubbing The Head Of The Penis And 10 Other Sex Tips

issue 4507 | 02.13.09 | Sunday Magazine
Jose Canseco Smirking Smugly At Nation

issue 4507 | 02.12.09 | Photo Finish
Girlfriend Just Having A Few Drinks With Old Friend She Probably Used To Sleep With

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | Newswire
Next Thing He Knows, Area Man Walking Around In His Underwear Again

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | Newswire
Man Born On Valentine's Day Only Gets Half The Sex

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | Newswire
Notch Carved In Hammock

issue 4507 | 02.10.09 | Newswire
Biden Googles "Open Mic Night AND Washington DC"

issue 4507 | 02.09.09 | Newswire
List Of Grammy Winners Scanned Emotionlessly

issue 4507 | 02.09.09 | Newswire