Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 21, 2009 - February 27, 2009 | Issue 45•08

Nation's Blacks Creeped Out By All The People Smiling At Them

WASHINGTON—A majority of African-Americans surveyed in a nationwide poll this week reported feeling "deeply disturbed" and "more than a little weirded out" by all the white people now smiling at...

Area Woman Only Enjoys Miniature Versions Of Things

issue 4508 | 02.21.09 | News

MANHATTAN, KS—"I've seen Barb squeal with joy at the sight of a cocktail weenie," said husband Bernard Elsinger, who met his wife at a... more»
Plan To Start Little Stationery Store Too Sad For Bank To Deny Loan

issue 4508 | 02.20.09 | News

KANSAS CITY, MO—64-year old Tim Creamsby's colored-pencil sketches of the storefront and plan to hire his granddaughter to answer phones melted... more»
Head Lice Going Around Senate

issue 4508 | 02.17.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"Everyone is going to make fun of me now," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), who attempted to get rid of the lice by shaving her... more»
Cash-Strapped Oscars To Give Out Emmys

issue 4508 | 02.20.09 | News In Brief

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday that, due to disappointing ad sales for the costly... more»
Area Man Thought He Had More Forks Than This

issue 4508 | 02.19.09 | News In Brief

CHARLOTTE, NC—Rummaging through his silverware tray Thursday morning, database administrator Ben Pagano, 30, was shocked to discover that... more»
Obama Peddling Stimulus Package Door-To-Door

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | News In Brief

HUTCHINSON, KS—In an effort to build support for his controversial economic recovery plan, President Obama set out across the country in... more»
Employee Who Likens Self To TV's 'House' Fired

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | News In Brief

ALPINE, NJ—Walter Salinger, 38, a U.S postal employee who often compared himself to the cantankerous yet brilliant titular character... more»
FDA Prepares Nation For Switch To Digital Food Format

issue 4508 | 02.17.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Urging the estimated 60 million Americans who have not yet made the transition to the more advanced form of sustenance to do... more»
Tourists Not Leaving Landmark Until All Permutations Of Groups And Cameras Exhausted

issue 4508 | 02.16.09 | News In Brief

KEYSTONE, SD—Less than eight minutes after arriving at the famed attraction, a group of tourists visiting the Mount Rushmore National... more»
Nate Robinson Jumping Over Dwight Howard In Everyday Life

issue 4508 | 02.19.09 | Sports News

ORLANDO, FL—"I can't do anything without that guy jumping over me," said Howard, who glanced over his shoulder every few seconds during his... more»
Octuplet's Domicile Threatened By Foreclosure

issue 4508 | 02.20.09 | American Voices

The home of Angela Suleman, mother to Nadya Suleman and grandmother to her 14 children, went into default earlier this month. What do you... more»
Texas UFO Identified

issue 4508 | 02.19.09 | American Voices

An object that streaked dramatically across the Texas sky earlier this week was identified by the FAA as a meteor, not, as many had speculated,... more»
Nuclear Subs Collide

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | American Voices

Two nuclear submarines, one French and one British, collided in the Atlantic earlier this month, raising safety concerns. What do you think? more»
Muzak Files For Bankruptcy

issue 4508 | 02.17.09 | American Voices

With a debt load between $100 million and $500 million, Muzak Holdings LLC, the company whose name is synonymous with elevator and on-hold music,... more»
Florida Gun Sellers Short On Bullets

issue 4508 | 02.16.09 | American Voices

After what appears to be a run on bullets, gun dealers in the state of Florida are experiencing an ammunition shortage. What do you think? more»
Manifesto Suddenly Veers Into Lack Of Nearby Burrito Stands

issue 4508 | 02.22.09 | Radio
Former Kitten Actor Struggles With Catnip Addiction

issue 4508 | 02.21.09 | Radio
Area Conservationist Wastes His Breath

issue 4508 | 02.20.09 | Radio
Norway Returns To Pillage-Based Economy

issue 4508 | 02.19.09 | Radio
Fashion Fans Enraged By New Spring Lineup

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | Radio
Surgeons Successfully Reconstruct Man's Face Using Leftover Fingers

issue 4508 | 02.17.09 | Radio
Roiling Mass Of Snakes To Receive $160 Billion In Government Stimulus

issue 4508 | 02.16.09 | Radio
Sleazy Website Will Link To Anything

issue 4508 | 02.17.07 | Radio
Supermodel Really Interested In Meeting Creator Of Fan Website

issue 4508 | 02.17.07 | Radio
White House Declares War On DSL Provider

issue 4508 | 02.17.07 | Radio
Area Man Accidentally Signs Up For AOL Latino

issue 4508 | 02.17.07 | Radio
Yahoo! Launches Soul-Search Engine

issue 4508 | 02.17.07 | Radio
48-Hour Internet Outage Plunges Nation Into Productivity

issue 4508 | 02.17.07 | Radio
Antispam Legislation Opposed By Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby

issue 4508 | 02.17.07 | Radio
300 Naked Women Feared Lost In Computer Crash

issue 4508 | 02.17.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - March 2, 2009

issue 4508 | 03.02.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Editorial Cartoon - February 16, 2009

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Somali Pirates Tow Guy With Stalled Jet Ski

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | News In Photos
280 Days Of Meryl Streep's Year Spent Being Honored

issue 4508 | 02.17.09 | News In Photos
If Itzhak Perlman Is Performing On TV Right Now, Who Is Feeding My Cat?

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | Commentary

Boy am I steamed. I finally get the chance to go on a little vacation for a couple of days, but instead of relaxing, I'm just a tightly wound... more»
The Best Part Of Being A Cop Is Knowing That You're Completely Impervious To Bullets

issue 4508 | 02.17.09 | Commentary

Every cop knows there are three reasons to join the force: You get to give back to the community, you become a role model for young people,... more»
Oscar Handicapping

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | Infographic

Every year, Oscar pools are a big part of celebrating the Academy Awards. To help you with your picks, here are some odds on who we think... more»
Black Presidents History Month

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | Statshot
Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | Video

On Today Now, Peter Hedgemont shares the inspirational tale of how he has refused to let a cancer diagnosis convince him he has cancer. more»
East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women

issue 4508 | 02.16.09 | Video

Amivi Gama's violent rise to power has proved that women are just as capable as men when it comes to brutality and oppression. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4508 | 02.24.09 | Slideshow
We Take 10 Things You Like And Arrange Them In An Aesthetically Pleasing Grid

issue 4508 | 02.20.09 | Sunday Magazine
David Stern Wins Slam-Dunk Contest

issue 4508 | 02.19.09 | Photo Finish
Second Guitarist Just Compounds The Problem

issue 4508 | 02.20.09 | Newswire
Mom In Commercial Feels Strong Sense Of Accomplishment After Feeding Children Frozen Pizza Rolls

issue 4508 | 02.19.09 | Newswire
Victims Of Cube Scheme Break Even

issue 4508 | 02.18.09 | Newswire
Grandfather Complimented On Pants

issue 4508 | 02.17.09 | Newswire