Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 28, 2009 - March 6, 2009 | Issue 45•09

Sasha Obama Keeps Seeing Creepy Bush Twins While Riding Tricycle Through White House

WASHINGTON—A little more than a month after the first family's move to the White House, reports of strange happenings have continued to surface, with Sasha Obama confirming Tuesday that she had once again been visited by the eerie specter of the...

Stripper Putting Herself Through Life

issue 4509 | 02.28.09 | News

JUPITER, FL—"I've got dreams a lot bigger than this dump," exotic dancer Nina Meyer explained. "I'm only doing this because there's no way I'll... more»
ATF Agents Closing In On Nation's Most Notorious Cigarette Bummer

issue 4509 | 02.27.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"No smoker is safe while that man's still out there," said Kentucky resident and local barfly Dale Richardson, who was hit up twice... more»
Nation Instinctively Forms Breadline

issue 4509 | 02.24.09 | News

NEW YORK— "What's happening here?" said a California resident after seeing a group of bankers leaning against a broken-down jalopy, their feet... more»
Buttons Just Don't Disappear, Reports Woman On Hands And Knees

issue 4509 | 02.27.09 | News In Brief

ANN ARBOR, MI—Although there is a slim chance the darn things might have rolled under the stove, Michigan resident Irene Sullivan, 50,... more»
CIA Awkwardly Debriefs Obama On Creation Of Crack Cocaine

issue 4509 | 02.26.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In his first meeting with president-elect Barack Obama, CIA crime and counternarcotics analyst Timothy R. McIntire... more»
'Old Milwaukee Book Of World Records' Confirms Title For Most Punches To Shoulder

issue 4509 | 02.26.09 | News In Brief

MILWAUKEE—In a ceremony held Tuesday at Milwaukee City Hall, local resident Phillip Schneider, 27, was officially recognized by the... more»
Loud Squawking Crow Forces FAA To Ground All Flights Indefinitely

issue 4509 | 02.25.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Thousands were left stranded at airports nationwide Tuesday, when the Federal Aviation Administration grounded all... more»
Man Finally Unpauses 'Super Mario Bros.' After 18 Years Of Chores

issue 4509 | 02.24.09 | News In Brief

REYNARD, NV—Nearly two decades after suspending the game to clean the bathroom and mow the front yard, Nevada resident Dennis Rigali,... more»
Parade Of Interchangeable Starlets Delights U.S. Populace

issue 4509 | 02.23.09 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—A steady stream of indistinguishable, uniformly beautiful actresses brought excitement and joy to millions of Americans... more»
New Mike Tyson Documentary Features Exclusive Interviews With Super Macho Man, King Hippo

issue 4509 | 02.26.09 | Sports News

AUSTIN, TX—A new documentary titled Punched Out!!: The Mike Tyson Story, which follows the legendary boxer's career... more»
Paul Harvey Dead At 90

issue 4509 | 03.02.09 | American Voices

Legendary radio broadcaster Paul Harvey died of undisclosed causes in Arizona on Saturday. What do you think? more»
Teen TV Habits Linked To Adult Depression

issue 4509 | 02.27.09 | American Voices

A study published in the Archives Of General Psychiatry found that teenagers who watch a lot of television are more likely to suffer... more»
Cleaner Air, Longer Life

issue 4509 | 02.26.09 | American Voices

An increase in American air quality over the last 20 years has led to an average life span increase of 21 weeks. What do you think? more»
Serotonin Makes Locusts Swarm

issue 4509 | 02.25.09 | American Voices

A new study indicates that an increased level of serotonin—a chemical that can prevent depression in humans—causes locusts to swarm. What do... more»
Arranged Marriage Reality Series In Production

issue 4509 | 02.24.09 | American Voices

CBS has picked up a reality show with the working title Arranged Marriage, a program in which contestants’ spouses are selected by friends... more»
Asian Man 'Randomly' Searched 21 Times

issue 4509 | 02.23.09 | American Voices

After having his bag searched 21 times on the New York subway, 32-year-old Jangir Sultan is suing the NYPD for racial profiling. What do you... more»
Olde English Introduces 40-Ounce Malt Liqueur

issue 4509 | 03.01.09 | Radio
Primatologist Dethrones Alpha-Male Baboon

issue 4509 | 02.28.09 | Radio
Muppeteer's Right Hand In Critical Condition Following Elmo Assassination Attempt

issue 4509 | 02.27.09 | Radio
Area Mooning Goes Unnoticed

issue 4509 | 02.25.09 | Radio
Bill Clinton Reveals Conjoined Twin

issue 4509 | 02.24.09 | Radio
Australian WIldfires Spur Large Increase In Flaming Animal Attacks

issue 4509 | 02.23.09 | Radio
Fort Knox Receives $85 From Cash4Gold

issue 4509 | 02.02.09 | Radio
Burger King Unveils New Low-Fat Cashier

issue 4509 | 02.27.07 | Radio
U.S. Fast Food Chains Agree To Voluntary Cheese Limits

issue 4509 | 02.26.07 | Radio
Denny's Introduces 'Just A Humongous Bucket Of Eggs And Meat'

issue 4509 | 02.26.07 | Radio
Taco Bell Launches New ‘Morning After’ Burrito

issue 4509 | 02.26.07 | Radio
McDonald’s Introduces New Feed Pellet

issue 4509 | 02.26.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - February 23, 2009

issue 4509 | 02.23.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Whole Foods Transforms Another Ordinary Vegetable Into Status Symbol

issue 4509 | 02.25.09 | News In Photos
Area Man Seated Next To Lou Reed On Roller Coaster

issue 4509 | 02.24.09 | News In Photos
If Someone Tried To Burn My Village, I'd Be Like, 'Fuck You'

issue 4509 | 02.26.09 | Commentary

I was reading some story the other day about this African guy whose village was burned to the ground, and it blew me away. I couldn't believe... more»
I'm Thinking About Getting A Dog To Neglect

issue 4509 | 02.24.09 | Commentary

I have a hole in my life. It's small, has four legs, a shiny coat, and maybe even one of those teeny corkscrew tails that wags when it's happy... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4509 | 02.24.09 | Horoscopes
The New Kindle

issue 4509 | 02.25.09 | Infographic

Having sold out of its popular e-book reader Kindle last fall, Amazon is now releasing an updated version of the device. Here are some of... more»
Black History Month: Harriet Tubman

issue 4509 | 02.25.09 | Statshot
Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

issue 4509 | 02.25.09 | Video

Panelists debate whether games like Fallout 3 and Gears Of War 2 are teaching children skills they'll really need in the End Times. more»
Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger, Free iPod Industry

issue 4509 | 02.23.09 | Video

The U.S. is considering sanctions against the Eastern European nation if it does not reduce the number of unsolicited offers for Viagra and replica... more»
The Week In Review

issue 4509 | 03.02.09 | Slideshow
Pretty Balloons: Where Are They Now?

issue 4509 | 02.27.09 | Sunday Magazine
Terrified Rookie Afraid To Let Go Of Rim After Dunk

issue 4509 | 02.26.09 | Photo Finish
Burris Regrets Adding 'Lied To Congress' To His Facebook '25 Things'

issue 4509 | 02.24.09 | Newswire