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March 7, 2009 - March 13, 2009 | Issue 45•10

Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum

ARKHAM, MA—Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven...

Husband, Wife Unaware They Are A Comedy Team

issue 4510 | 03.07.09 | News

GLENDALE, AZ—"Whether it's arguing over home mortgage payments, or why the godforsaken lights are always on, David and Sheila never... more»
San Francisco Historians Condemn 1906 Earthquake Deniers

issue 4510 | 03.06.09 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—Avowed earthquake denier William Pletcher believes the so-called 'violent shift in the earth's tectonic plates' is nothing more... more»
Obama Outfitted With 238 Motion Capture Sensors For 3-D Record Of Presidency

issue 4510 | 03.03.09 | News

WASHINGTON—Years from now, historians will be able to simulate what the former president might have looked like tying his shoelaces on the... more»
Area Man Thinks He Was Fired Because Of Recession

issue 4510 | 03.06.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Though there were more than a dozen just causes—including tardiness, gross incompetence, and poor hygiene—to... more»
Rare Species Of Frog May Hold Cure To…Ah, Never Mind, It's Extinct

issue 4510 | 03.05.09 | News In Brief

MANASSAS, VA—According to a study published Monday in The Journal Of Experimental Biology, a rare species of tree frog found only... more»
UPS Guy Hasn't Heard A Doorbell Like That One In A While

issue 4510 | 03.04.09 | News In Brief

LITITZ, PA—Claiming the chiming melody reminded him of his early days in the parcel delivery service, UPS worker John Shea told... more»
Responsibilities Track Man Down Inside Dream

issue 4510 | 03.03.09 | News In Brief

NATE WHITMAN'S SUBCONSCIOUS—After an extensive search of local resident Nate Whitman's euphoric sleeping fantasy, a crack team of his... more»
Area Woman Will Eat Anything With 'Tuscan' In Name

issue 4510 | 03.02.09 | News In Brief

JEFFERSON TOWNSHIP, NJ—Veterinary assistant Lauren Millardi, 27, will eat any dish prefaced with the word "Tuscan," sources reported... more»
Stephon Marbury Embroils Celtics' Big 3 In Elaborate Shakespearean Intrigue

issue 4510 | 03.05.09 | Sports News

BOSTON—"I shall of these three fools now make my purse," Marbury was heard to say after the game, although he appeared to be addressing no... more»
Anger Actually Can Kill

issue 4510 | 03.09.09 | American Voices

A study in the Journal Of The American College Of Cardiology says that anger and other strong emotions can trigger unhealthy irregular heart... more»
Convict Charged In Chandra Levy Murder

issue 4510 | 03.06.09 | American Voices

An imprisoned Salvadoran laborer has been arrested for the murder of Chandra Levy, the D.C. intern whose disappearance brought down the political... more»
Students Warned About Mexico Travel

issue 4510 | 03.05.09 | American Voices

Due to escalating drug violence, the State Department is urging caution for college students traveling to Mexico for spring break. What do... more»
Jonas Brothers Film Underperforms

issue 4510 | 03.04.09 | American Voices

Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience opened this weekend with only $12.7 million at the box office, far less than analysts had... more»
iPhone App Usage Drops Off

issue 4510 | 03.03.09 | American Voices

A study has shown that less than 5 percent of consumers still use their free iPhone applications a month after downloading them. What do you... more»
Niagara Falls Discontinues Famous Plunging School Bus Ride

issue 4510 | 03.08.09 | Radio
Aging Seeing-Eye Dog Purchases Seeing-Eye Squirrel

issue 4510 | 03.07.09 | Radio
Obese Billionaire Opens World's Largest Gravy Park

issue 4510 | 03.06.09 | Radio
Obama Calls On Nation To Put In One Solid Day Of Work

issue 4510 | 03.05.09 | Radio
Tales Of Long-Past Managerial Triumph Ring Out From Area Sauna

issue 4510 | 03.04.09 | Radio
Congress Establishes New Department Of Finding Change On The Ground

issue 4510 | 03.03.09 | Radio
Iranian Jaywalker Sentenced To Public Graveling

issue 4510 | 03.02.09 | Radio
Study: 58 Percent Of U.S. Exercise Televised

issue 4510 | 03.04.07 | Radio
Woman Mentions Participation In Cancer Walk To Cancer Patient

issue 4510 | 03.04.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - March 9, 2009

issue 4510 | 03.09.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Red Lobster Offers New 'Top Hat Full Of Shrimp' To Attract Wealthier Customers

issue 4510 | 03.06.09 | News In Photos
NASCAR Bed Bursts Into Flames

issue 4510 | 03.03.09 | News In Photos
Well, Well, Well, If It Isn't Every Woman I've Ever Slept With

issue 4510 | 03.05.09 | Commentary

Well, now, what do we have here? I come home from work, and whom do I happen to find but every single woman I've ever made love to in my... more»
Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go

issue 4510 | 03.03.09 | Commentary

Now, Xiu, you're getting to be a really big boy, and I know you've been asking a lot of questions about Mommy and why she's been so sad... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4510 | 03.03.09 | Horoscopes
Illinois Corruption Timeline

issue 4510 | 03.03.09 | Infographic

The controversy surrounding Illinois senator Roland Burris is only the latest chapter in a long history of political corruption in the Land... more»
How Are We Making Ends Meet?

issue 4510 | 03.04.09 | Statshot
Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair

issue 4510 | 03.04.09 | Video

Rep. Gregory White (D-NH) tearfully asks forgiveness for the degrading and sinful acts he is about to engage in. more»
Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine $2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby

issue 4510 | 03.02.09 | Video

Celebrity watchers attribute the exorbitant price to the incredibly low demand for any news about Jennifer Love Hewitt. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4510 | 03.08.09 | Slideshow
Natural Disasters

issue 4510 | 03.06.09 | Slideshow
How Did This Man Come Up With So Many Rhymes?

issue 4510 | 03.05.09 | Sunday Magazine
Trey Wingo: Is He The Tim Meadows of 'SportsCenter'?

issue 4510 | 03.05.09 | Photo Finish
Man Trying To Start Fight With Only Other Guy He Knows Who Has Samurai Sword

issue 4510 | 03.07.09 | Newswire
Commemorative Plate Thrown At Husband

issue 4510 | 03.05.09 | Newswire
Self-Described 'Davidson Charm' Still Uncorroborated

issue 4510 | 03.04.09 | Newswire
Conspiracy Theorists Exchange Small Talk About Who Controls The Weather

issue 4510 | 03.03.09 | Newswire
Bobby Jindal Killed In Baton Rouge Volcano Eruption

issue 4510 | 03.02.09 | Newswire