Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 14, 2009 - March 20, 2009 | Issue 45•11

Rise In Rent Forces Local Taco Bell To Take On Roommate

ROCKFORD, IL—With rents soaring and operating costs at an all-time high, management at the Auburn St. Taco Bell decided earlier this month to lessen their financial burden by taking on a roommate, 24-year-old...

Area Man Down To Final Week Of Heyday

issue 4511 | 03.14.09 | News

CHICAGO—"I'm having a blast," said Brian Konig, unaware that work-related stress and financial responsibility will soon put a tragic end to his... more»
Redcoat Holdouts Still Fighting American Revolution

issue 4511 | 03.13.09 | News

GREAT BROOK FARM STATE PARK, MA—"'Tis has been a long and bitter struggle with our foolhardy American cousins," said 2nd Lt. Henry Bertram of... more»
FDA Approves Salmonella

issue 4511 | 03.10.09 | News

WASHINGTON—Executives at Hellmann's welcomed the news by announcing an entire line of lukewarm, sun-soaked, and partially turned mayonnaises. more»
Area Dad Botches 'Princess Bride' Quote

issue 4511 | 03.13.09 | News In Brief

LIVONIA, NY—Mere hours after watching Rob Reiner's classic 1987 film The Princess Bride with his children, area father William... more»
Sleazy Health Insurance Covers Any Doctor's Visit They Can Watch

issue 4511 | 03.12.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Offering low annual deductibles and negotiable premiums for college students and redheads, officials from sleazy medical... more»
Panicked Agriculture Secretary Momentarily Forgets What Corn Is

issue 4511 | 03.11.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—While giving a speech Tuesday on the benefits of raising the ethanol level in gasoline to expand the lucrative biofuel... more»
Year Of Law School Now Mandatory For Nation's 25-Year-Olds

issue 4511 | 03.11.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Under the provisions of a bill approved by Congress and signed into law Tuesday, every 25-year-old American, regardless of... more»
Obama Narrowly Survives Carnivorous Section Of Rose Garden

issue 4511 | 03.10.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In his first major gaffe since taking office, President Obama accidentally stepped too close to the ferocious, man-eating... more»
Woman Upset At Herself For Feeling Hungry

issue 4511 | 03.09.09 | News In Brief

MODESTO, CA—Telling friends that she "just ate a huge thing of yogurt four hours ago," local woman Vanessa Stroud chided herself Tuesday... more»
Stumbling, Bumbling Sled Dog: 'Sorry, This Is My First Iditarod'

issue 4511 | 03.12.09 | Sports News

PUNTILLA LAKE, AK—"I have to pull it together," added the dog, making a point of directly addressing his musher, two-time Iditarod champion... more»
Christian Salt Introduced

issue 4511 | 03.13.09 | American Voices

After reportedly tiring of hearing chefs on television recommend kosher salt, a retired barber has introduced Blessed Christians Salt, which is sea... more»
Madoff Pleads Guilty To Fraud

issue 4511 | 03.12.09 | American Voices

Bernard Madoff, the money manager accused of running the largest Ponzi scheme in U.S. history, pleaded guilty to charges this morning in a New York... more»
Obama Overturns Bush Stem Cell Policy

issue 4511 | 03.11.09 | American Voices

President Obama has lifted restrictions that prevented federal funding of labs using embryonic stem cells for research. What do you think? more»
Beatles Edition Of Rock Band Coming Out

issue 4511 | 03.10.09 | American Voices

The Beatles: Rock Band is scheduled to hit shelves Sept. 9. What do you think? more»
Audio Book Narrator Gets Drunk Around Chapter 13

issue 4511 | 03.15.09 | Radio
Area Man Overcomes Relaxing Battle With Sedatives

issue 4511 | 03.14.09 | Radio
Whale Christ Feeds Whale Masses With Single Krill

issue 4511 | 03.13.09 | Radio
20-Page Stapling Ends In Tragedy

issue 4511 | 03.12.09 | Radio
Area Man Prepares For Risky 20-Page Stapling

issue 4511 | 03.11.09 | Radio
Obama Takes Surprise Caller During Weekly Radio Address

issue 4511 | 03.10.09 | Radio
Family Heirloom Passed Down To Pawn Shop Owner

issue 4511 | 03.09.09 | Radio
Gift Shop Renamed Crap Shop

issue 4511 | 03.10.07 | Radio
Abandoned Mall Retains Eerie Vestiges Of Fun Shopping Atmosphere

issue 4511 | 03.10.07 | Radio
Woman Feels Guilty After Switching Brands

issue 4511 | 03.10.07 | Radio
Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Benefits At Shopper

issue 4511 | 03.10.07 | Radio
Struggling Don Rickles Has Nothing But Nice Things To Say About Audience

issue 4511 | 03.13.09 | News In Photos
Grandma’s Only Movie Watched Again

issue 4511 | 03.10.09 | News In Photos
Things Just Taste Better Out Of A Skull

issue 4511 | 03.12.09 | Commentary

I'm a man who knows what he likes. I like the hot spray of fresh blood against my face, I like the cold clasp of wrought-iron chain mail around... more»
I Know A Guy Who Knows A Guy Who Can Really Screw Us Over

issue 4511 | 03.10.09 | Commentary

So this thing we're talking about doing—you know, the thing. Well, I'm not sure going on the straight and narrow with it is our... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4511 | 03.10.09 | Horoscopes
Rush Limbaugh Returns

issue 4511 | 03.10.09 | Infographic

Rush Limbaugh is once again in the national media spotlight, this time for saying, among other things, that he hopes Obama and his... more»
Most Popular Barbies

issue 4511 | 03.11.09 | Statshot
Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

issue 4511 | 03.11.09 | Video

Panelists dismiss the notion that something could go wrong with the 75-foot-tall crabs that shoot acid from their mouths. more»
NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams

issue 4511 | 03.09.09 | Video

Online universities and bible colleges will be among the thousands of teams vying to prove they are the best in the nation. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4511 | 03.16.09 | Slideshow
Meet Tug: The Dog Who Saved The Stimulus Package

issue 4511 | 03.12.09 | Sunday Magazine
Women's College Basketball Coach Looks Like Women's College Basketball Coach

issue 4511 | 03.12.09 | Photo Finish
Coughed Ritz Cracker Dust Beautifully Illuminated By Glow Of Television

issue 4511 | 03.14.09 | Newswire
Persuasive Jumper Talks Entire Police Force Up Onto Ledge

issue 4511 | 03.13.09 | Newswire
Ariel Sharon Closes Eyes Just As Nurse Enters Hospital Room

issue 4511 | 03.11.09 | Newswire
Biden Arrives At Stem-Cell Announcement Dressed As Giant Stem-Cell

issue 4511 | 03.09.09 | Newswire
Man Adds 'Threats' Folder To Email Account

issue 4511 | 03.09.09 | Newswire