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March 21, 2009 - March 27, 2009 | Issue 45•12

Tree Featured In 'The Deer Hunter' Dies

BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAINS, NC—The tree best known for portraying an eastern hemlock in the 1978 film The Deer Hunter passed...

Oh No, Performers Coming Into Audience

issue 4512 | 03.21.09 | News

PITTSBURGH—"Their smiles are so big," a female theatergoer said while pretending to look for something in her purse. "Why does that one have a... more»
U.S. Troops In Iraq Excited To Finally Return To Afghanistan

issue 4512 | 03.20.09 | News

BAGHDAD—Since the announcement, Military officials have noticed improved morale, with many soldiers looking forward to returning to the one... more»
Right To Privacy Not Guaranteed By Constitution, Says Supreme Court Justice Peeking In Bathroom Window

issue 4512 | 03.17.09 | News

WESTON, FL—"The Constitution was intended to be malleable," whispered Justice Samuel Alito, hiding behind the shower curtain after he thought... more»
Point In Evening Reached Where Everyone Tries To Lift Biggest Friend

issue 4512 | 03.20.09 | News In Brief

PIKEVILLE, KY—Three hours and half a keg into the night Thursday, a group of friends reportedly reached the point where everyone... more»
Office Worker Suddenly Becomes Sentient

issue 4512 | 03.19.09 | News In Brief

EL PASO, TX—After spending 12 years systematically sorting information in a dimly lit cubicle, data entry specialist Lewis Bowen, 37,... more»
Internet To Reduce E-Mail Delivery To 6 Days A Week

issue 4512 | 03.18.09 | News In Brief

INTERNET HEADQUARTERS—Speaking on behalf of the overburdened World Wide Web, Internet representatives announced Monday that all Sunday... more»
Policeman Breaks Up Area Party Out Of Pity

issue 4512 | 03.17.09 | News In Brief

SOUTH BEND, IN—While patrolling the University of Notre Dame campus Friday night, officer Robert Mueller disrupted a party taking place... more»
Getting Randomly Picked To Make Half-Court Shots Now Best Way To Earn Living

issue 4512 | 03.16.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—A new study released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics Tuesday confirmed that the most dependable source of income for... more»
Dick Vitale More Sexual During March Madness, Wife Lorraine Reports

issue 4512 | 03.19.09 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—Mrs. Vitale would not confirm rumors that ESPN analyst Digger Phelps sometimes participates while dressed as Wake Forest's... more»
Animal Patrick Duffy

issue 4512 | 03.20.09 | American Voices

If Patrick Duffy were an animal, what kind of animal do you think he’d be? more»
Patrick Duffy’s Ideal Role

issue 4512 | 03.19.09 | American Voices

What role do you think Patrick Duffy would be best suited for? more»
Patrick Duffy's New Film

issue 4512 | 03.18.09 | American Voices

Production is complete on He's Such A Girl, starring Patrick Duffy. Why hasn't this film been released yet? What do you think? more»
Happy Birthday Patrick Duffy

issue 4512 | 03.17.09 | American Voices

Today is acting legend Patrick Duffy's 60th birthday. What do you think? more»
Patrick Duffy Turns 60

issue 4512 | 03.16.09 | American Voices

Tomorrow is acting legend Patrick Duffy’s 60th birthday. What do you think? more»
Local Cow Has Exceptional Milk Day

issue 4512 | 03.22.09 | Radio
Voice-Activated GPS Takes 'Top Gun' Soundtrack Fan Into The Danger Zone

issue 4512 | 03.21.09 | Radio
Area Woman Thought Motherhood Would Be A Breeze After Raising 4 Cats

issue 4512 | 03.20.09 | Radio
Patrick Duffy To Take Some Quality Patrick Duffy Time

issue 4512 | 03.19.09 | Radio
Area Man Picks Wrong Time For Leukemia

issue 4512 | 03.18.09 | Radio
God Unveils New Species As Demand For Humans Declines

issue 4512 | 03.17.09 | Radio
U.S. Economy Gunned Down In Gas Station Robbery

issue 4512 | 03.16.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - March 16, 2009

issue 4512 | 03.16.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Obama Asks Biden Not To Stand So Close

issue 4512 | 03.20.09 | News In Photos
Hillary Clinton Wows Russians With Poignant Chekhovian Monologue

issue 4512 | 03.17.09 | News In Photos
Would That I Had Someone Special With Whom I Could Share My 'Galaga' Achievements

issue 4512 | 03.19.09 | Commentary

Level 87 cleared. Enemy space-bugs dispensed with in record time. Victory. Victory over the red moths, the blue bees, those flying things... more»
I Got To Find A New Place To Live

issue 4512 | 03.17.09 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. How's by you? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been weighed down by a shit-ton of trouble. First of all,... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4512 | 03.17.09 | Horoscopes
Putting Vacant Houses To Use

issue 4512 | 03.17.09 | Infographic

With one in nine housing units in the United States unoccupied, many people are breaking into empty homes and using them for their... more»
Whom Are We Leaving Our Money To?

issue 4512 | 03.18.09 | Statshot
Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Nature’s First Sexual Predator

issue 4512 | 03.18.09 | Video

Paleontologists believe the intact skeleton could shed light on the bizarre fetishes of this pervert dinosaur. more»
Manufacturer Recalls Hollow Point Bullets That Fail To Explode Inside Targets

issue 4512 | 03.16.09 | Video

Steel Hawk Inc. is offering a full refund to customers who bought the non-flesh-shredding bullets. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4512 | 03.22.09 | Slideshow
After A 3-Month Staff-Wide Argument, Here's The Onion's 2008 Man Of The Year: Barack Obama

issue 4512 | 03.19.09 | Sunday Magazine
Alexander Ovechkin Loses Three Teeth While Eating Breakfast

issue 4512 | 03.19.09 | Photo Finish
Corbin Bernsen Refreshing IMDB Page In Hopes That New Project Will Come Up

issue 4512 | 03.21.09 | Newswire
Store Closing In Like 5 Minutes, Reports Employee With Unlit Cigarette In Mouth

issue 4512 | 03.18.09 | Newswire
Cancer-Sniffing Dog Chasing Own Tail

issue 4512 | 03.18.09 | Newswire
Hallucinogenic Mushroom Stares At Man From Freezer For Third Straight Year

issue 4512 | 03.16.09 | Newswire