Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 28, 2009 - April 3, 2009 | Issue 45•13

Congress Forced To Watch Training Video About Bipartisan Cooperation

WASHINGTON—In an effort to stimulate discussion, resolve party conflicts, and increase legislative productivity, members of the 111th Congress were once again required to watch an instructional video on...

Local Raccoons Once Again Take The Fall For Area Man

issue 4513 | 03.28.09 | News

SOUTH NATICK, MA—"I put out traps to catch those crafty bastards, but the only thing I ever caught was poor Louis [O'Halloran] from down the... more»
'People' Magazine Reporter Held Hostage By Timothy Hutton Extremists

issue 4513 | 03.27.09 | News

LOS ANGELES—"Praise be the one, true Tim Hutton," yelled a masked member of the Ordinary People's Front, before firing a semiautomatic weapon... more»
Everything Taking Too Long

issue 4513 | 03.24.09 | News

WASHINGTON—Between eye rolls, sighs, and repeated glances at wall clocks, the majority of Americans are reporting that the nation badly needs... more»
Rush Limbaugh Tucks Shirt Back In Following Animated Flat Tax Rant

issue 4513 | 03.27.09 | News In Brief

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—While ferociously laying into what he calls the "liberal jihad against the flat tax," conservative pundit and talk... more»
Area Man Just Realized He Doesn't Even Know When Barack Obama's Birthday Is

issue 4513 | 03.26.09 | News In Brief

ATHENS, GA—Local barista Benjamin Shields, 31, expressed both shock and remorse Monday when, during a routine perusal of his 2009... more»
Drunk Man Dangerously Close To Figuring Out You're Fucking With Him

issue 4513 | 03.25.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—The heavily intoxicated man seated next to you is dangerously close to realizing you've been fucking with him this entire... more»
TV Producers Running Out Of Types Of People To Have Dance With Each Other

issue 4513 | 03.24.09 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Frustrated TV producers announced Monday that they have nearly exhausted every combination of people that can be made to... more»
98% Of Babies Manic-Depressive

issue 4513 | 03.23.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—A new study published in The Journal Of Pediatric Medicine found that a shocking 98 percent of all infants suffer from... more»
Shaq Finds Mysterious Inscriptions Written On Basketball

issue 4513 | 03.26.09 | Sports News

PHOENIX—"I never saw anything written on the ball before," said O'Neal, adding that he had not considered the possibility of using a... more»
Sacramento Closes Tent City

issue 4513 | 03.27.09 | American Voices

The city of Sacramento, CA is going to add more beds to homeless shelters to accomodate the 150 people currently living in from an encampment a... more»
Morning-After Pill To Be Sold To 17-Year-Olds

issue 4513 | 03.26.09 | American Voices

A federal judge has ruled that the Food and Drug Administration failed to follow its own protocols when reviewing the birth control pill Plan B and... more»
Red Meat May Spell Early Death

issue 4513 | 03.25.09 | American Voices

A federal study revealed that middle-aged Americans who ate red meat at least once a day were 30 percent more likely to die during the 10 years... more»
U.S. Ready For North Korean Missile

issue 4513 | 03.24.09 | American Voices

Following the testing of a missile defense system, the Senate Armed Services Committee was told that there is a "high probability" that they could... more»
Defense Department To Phase Out Stop-Loss Program

issue 4513 | 03.23.09 | American Voices

Defense Department officials said that, rather than requiring troops to stay on after their term of enlistment expires, they will begin offering... more»
Endless Stream Of Excuses Pours Out Of Area Man

issue 4513 | 03.29.09 | Radio
Father's Ghost Still Neglects His Daughter

issue 4513 | 03.28.09 | Radio
Man Says This Is The Year He Stops Eating Bologna

issue 4513 | 03.27.09 | Radio
800,000 Fijians Rescued From An Island

issue 4513 | 03.26.09 | Radio
Six Flags To Scale Down Its Biggest Roller Coaster To Reflect Today's Economic Climate

issue 4513 | 03.25.09 | Radio
Congressional Swap Meet Erupts In Chaos

issue 4513 | 03.24.09 | Radio
Army Platoon Hires Day Laborers To Fill Out Patrols

issue 4513 | 03.23.09 | Radio
Retirees Rise Up Against Gang Violence, All Are Killed

issue 4513 | 03.25.07 | Radio
Boxer Hopes He Can Make Money Punching Things In Retirement

issue 4513 | 03.25.07 | Radio
Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy

issue 4513 | 03.25.07 | Radio
Hope Fades For Survivors In 1999 Turkish Earthquake

issue 4513 | 03.20.07 | Radio
Cowboy Weatherman Forecasts Big Storms A-Brewin'

issue 4513 | 03.20.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - March 23, 2009

issue 4513 | 03.23.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Area Man Croatian?

issue 4513 | 03.28.09 | News In Photos
Heroic Pickles Holding Lid Shut From Inside

issue 4513 | 03.24.09 | News In Photos
Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole

issue 4513 | 03.26.09 | Commentary

Talk about not having a sense of humor. These days you can't even sit down, rudely interrupt someone's conversation, insult them directly to... more»
I Was Going to Succumb To Cancer, But Then I Got This Mylar Balloon

issue 4513 | 03.24.09 | Commentary

Greetings to all my favorite ladies! Please forgive me for not sending a thank-you note sooner, but the nurses at this hospital are always... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4513 | 03.24.09 | Horoscopes
The Controversial AIG Bonuses

issue 4513 | 03.24.09 | Infographic

Last week, the nation was outraged to learn that members of the division responsible for the calamitous credit default swaps that brought... more»
Where Are We Looking For Work?

issue 4513 | 03.25.09 | Statshot
Congressman’s War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed

issue 4513 | 03.25.09 | Video

Rep. David Whittle (D-VA) speaks passionately about how his son, who died in Iraq, would have loved to see this appropriations bill passed. more»
Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

issue 4513 | 03.23.09 | Video

Business Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4513 | 03.29.09 | Slideshow
We Interview A Hockey Goalie: Sure, Why The Hell Not?

issue 4513 | 03.27.09 | Sunday Magazine
Lance Armstrong: 'Riding A Bike Isn't Something You Just Remember How To Do'

issue 4513 | 03.26.09 | Photo Finish
Man Who Likes To Move It, Move It Still Searching For Perfect Song

issue 4513 | 03.25.09 | Newswire
References To Joke From Earlier In Show Repeatedly Catch Man By Surprise

issue 4513 | 03.24.09 | Newswire
Roland Burris Now Considered Installation Art

issue 4513 | 03.23.09 | Newswire
Telescope Used To Observe Origins Of Human Life

issue 4513 | 03.23.09 | Newswire