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April 4, 2009 - April 10, 2009 | Issue 45•14

Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There

STOCKHOLM—In recognition of her groundbreaking work treating life- threatening diseases of the privates, renowned hoo-ha specialist Dr. Victoria Lazoff was awarded the Nobel Prize in Lady Medicine this week...

Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon

issue 4514 | 04.04.09 | News

LAKE WOBEGON, MN—"It's gonna be hard to get the School Choir concert together if that's Ms. Falconer’s chopped-off head bobbing up and down... more»
Study Finds Paint Aisle At Lowe's Best Place To Have Complete Meltdown

issue 4514 | 04.03.09 | News

AUSTIN, TX—Shoppers were observed in a fugue-like state, clutching color samples in their sweat-soaked hands and mumbling incoherently about... more»
Obama Depressed, Distant Since 'Battlestar Galactica' Series Finale

issue 4514 | 03.31.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"What am I supposed to watch on Fridays at 10 p.m. now? Numb3rs?" blurted out a distraught Obama, in the middle of a briefing... more»
Incredible 'Business-Man' Has Salary Of 10 Regular Men

issue 4514 | 04.03.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Sources in the Chicago metropolitan area confirmed Monday the existence of an extraordinary "business-man" imbued with the... more»
Hush Falls Over Prison Population As Madoff Stabs Cellmate In Throat

issue 4514 | 04.02.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Witnesses reported that a tense, grim silence fell over the cafeteria of the Metropolitan Correctional Center Monday as inmate No.... more»
Historic Senator Robert Byrd Imploded In Controlled Demolition

issue 4514 | 04.01.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Thousands gathered Monday to watch the demolition of Sen. Robert C. Byrd, 91, who was torn down after nearly five decades as... more»
Your High School Boyfriend Still Smoking Cigarettes In The Field Behind School

issue 4514 | 03.31.09 | News In Brief

THE BALL FIELDS—According to witnesses at your old high school, the guy you let touch your boobs after the Queensrÿche concert still... more»
Offbeat Congressman Having Trouble Finding Committee To Fit Into

issue 4514 | 03.30.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Two months into his first term, Rep. Jason McKenna (D-OR) reported Monday that, despite his best efforts, he has been unable... more»
Foie Gras, Scallops Snuck Into Opera House

issue 4514 | 03.30.09 | News In Brief

PARIS—Citing "outrageous" snack prices at the legendary Palais Garnier opera house, local resident Philippe Michaud discreetly smuggled... more»
Cheering Fans, Thrilling NCAA Tournament Disgust BCS Officials

issue 4514 | 04.02.09 | Sports News

DETROIT—Claiming that determining an unquestioned national champion through a playoff system "went against the very idea of sporting... more»
'ER’ Draws To Close

issue 4514 | 04.02.09 | American Voices

After 15 years, the NBC hospital drama ER is coming to an end tonight. What do you think? more»
Hefner Selling House Next To Playboy Mansion

issue 4514 | 04.01.09 | American Voices

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is selling the house he owns next to the Playboy Mansion for nearly $28 Million. What do you think? more»
Veep's Daughter In Cocaine Video?

issue 4514 | 03.31.09 | American Voices

A self-described "friend" of Vice President Joe Biden's daughter Ashley is attempting to sell for $250,000 a video in which the 27-year-old... more»
Army's Fat Recruit Problem

issue 4514 | 03.30.09 | American Voices

The U.S. Army has rejected 48,000 would-be recruits since 2005 for being over the weight limit. What do you think? more»
Florida Woman Getting Pale For Vacation In Minnesota

issue 4514 | 04.05.09 | Radio
Times Square-Themed Store To Open In Disney World

issue 4514 | 04.04.09 | Radio
Arthritic Driver Finally Flips Off Pedestrian

issue 4514 | 04.03.09 | Radio
Former Tallest Kid In Class Should Have Done More With It

issue 4514 | 04.02.09 | Radio
Sex-Crazed Dandelion Cross-Pollinates Entire Neighborhood

issue 4514 | 04.01.09 | Radio
Another Piece Of Drum Kit Claimed By Recession

issue 4514 | 03.31.09 | Radio
Area Man Really Should Do Something About That Shattered Thighbone

issue 4514 | 03.30.09 | Radio
Family Dog Suspected Cause Of Miniature Chuck Wagon Disaster

issue 4514 | 03.30.07 | Radio
Family Dog Barking At Evil

issue 4514 | 03.30.07 | Radio
Dog Keeps Iceland Awake All Night

issue 4514 | 03.30.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - March 30, 2009

issue 4514 | 03.30.09 | Editorial Cartoon
History Channel Helicopter To Give Viewers Bird's Eye View Of History

issue 4514 | 04.04.09 | News In Photos
Confused Firefighters Fail To Rescue Child Wearing Firefighter Costume

issue 4514 | 03.31.09 | News In Photos
Let's Go See The New Nicolas Cage Movie!

issue 4514 | 04.02.09 | Commentary

Hey, you know what I'm in the mood for? A movie. I, like any regular non-famous person, work my buns off Monday through Friday at my... more»
The Only Way Out Of This Crisis Is To Build More Houses

issue 4514 | 03.31.09 | Commentary

Every time I turn on the TV, it's the same thing: Everybody's moaning on and on about the economy without offering any solutions. People are... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4514 | 03.31.09 | Horoscopes
New Report Calls For Radical Food Changes

issue 4514 | 04.01.09 | Infographic

A joint report from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Trust For America's Health calls for the appointment of a food czar and... more»
Top Coffee Substitutes

issue 4514 | 04.01.09 | Statshot
Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris

issue 4514 | 04.01.09 | Video

After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble. more»
DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack

issue 4514 | 03.30.09 | Video

Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4514 | 04.05.09 | Slideshow
The Theme Song From Duck Tales And Why It's Now Stuck In Your Head

issue 4514 | 04.03.09 | Sunday Magazine
'SportsCenter' Adds 125 New Monitors To Set

issue 4514 | 04.02.09 | Photo Finish
Better Looking Couple In Commercial Uses Correct Phone Company

issue 4514 | 04.03.09 | Newswire
April Fools Day Spent In Fear Of Biden

issue 4514 | 04.01.09 | Newswire
Putrid Sounds Rise Up From Throat To Form Word 'Webisode'

issue 4514 | 03.30.09 | Newswire