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April 11, 2009 - April 17, 2009 | Issue 45•15

Panicked, Sweat-Covered Pope Reverses Longstanding Ban On Abortion

VATICAN CITY—Overturning 2,000 years of religious doctrine, an out-of-breath and visibly flustered Pope Benedict XVI announced Sunday that the termination of unwanted pregnancies was now "completely and perfectly acceptable in the eyes of God." ...

Boss Gets Into Groove After 3rd Round Of Layoffs

issue 4515 | 04.11.09 | News

INDIANAPOLIS—Hank Strauss quickly established a natural firing rhythm on Friday afternoon, smoothly easing his employees into unemployment... more»
Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie

issue 4515 | 04.10.09 | News

LOS ANGELES—The film chronicles the painful ordeal of a fun-loving mechanic who meets a seemingly perfect woman but must soon fight for his own... more»
2008 Tax Records Reveal Sasha Obama Made $136 In Allowance Money

issue 4515 | 04.07.09 | News

WASHINGTON—The first daughter tried to dodge senators' questions by playing with her pigtails, leaving to use the bathroom, and asking what... more»
Gated Community Interviews Dozens For Exclusive Drug Dealer Position

issue 4515 | 04.10.09 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—After interviewing nearly 50 applicants, board members of Canyon Hills, a planned community in Southern California, are... more»
Blindfolded Panetta Shipped To Kabul In Hilarious CIA Hazing Ritual

issue 4515 | 04.09.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—As part of the agency's decades-long tradition of initiation, rookie CIA director Leon Panetta was gagged, blindfolded, and... more»
Some Guy Who's Not Stephen Colbert To Deliver College's Commencement Speech

issue 4515 | 04.09.09 | News In Brief

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Penn State students were devastated Monday to learn that their commencement speaker will be "some dork scientist"... more»
Inept Coworker Increasingly Difficult To Fantasize About

issue 4515 | 04.08.09 | News In Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Vesco Systems analyst Arthur Ingraham told reporters Monday that it has become extremely difficult for him to fantasize... more»
Chinese Takeout Restaurant Thought It Had Seen Man At His Worst

issue 4515 | 04.07.09 | News In Brief

BROOKLYN, NY—Despite thinking that they had witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his absolute lowest Monday, employees of the Jade... more»
Chinese Takeout Restaurant Has Seen Man At His Worst

issue 4515 | 04.06.09 | News In Brief

BROOKLYN, NY—Employees at the Jade Kitchen 2 restaurant reportedly witnessed 28-year-old Dean Rumergant at his worst Monday, when the... more»
Bill Bellamy Elected To Rock 'N' Jock Basketball Hall Of Fame

issue 4515 | 04.09.09 | Sports News

LOS ANGELES—Coolio and Isaiah Rider were also selected by the Rock 'N' Jock Veterans Committee, which consists of Kenny Lofton and Boyz II... more»
Tickets Up, Concessions Down

issue 4515 | 04.17.09 | American Voices

As movie ticket sales reverse the downward trend they've been experiencing in recent years, concession sales have been stagnant or lower. What do... more»
Nation's Power Grid Hacked

issue 4515 | 04.10.09 | American Voices

According to The Wall Street Journal, the U.S. electrical grid has been compromised by Russian and Chinese cyber-spies, putting the... more»
Orlando Air Traffic Controllers Lack Experience

issue 4515 | 04.09.09 | American Voices

According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, 47 percent of air traffic controllers at Orlando International Airport are in training for... more»
Press Allowed To Cover Return of Dead Soldiers

issue 4515 | 04.08.09 | American Voices

For the first time in nearly 20 years, the media was permitted to witness a casket containing the body of a dead soldier arrive on U.S. soil. What... more»
2 Billionth Netflix Disc Shipped

issue 4515 | 04.07.09 | American Voices

Online video rental source Netflix commemorated its two-billionth disc shipped, Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist, by giving the recipient... more»
Ono Auctions Sky Puzzle For Autism

issue 4515 | 04.06.09 | American Voices

Artist and musician Yoko Ono is auctioning off a mural of the sky in 67 puzzle pieces to benefit autism research. What do you think? more»
Cyrus Doesn't Want 'Hannah Montana' Sequel

issue 4515 | 04.03.09 | American Voices

Miley Cyrus, the singer and actress who plays children's favorite Hannah Montana, said that she can't see doing a sequel to her forthcoming film... more»
Belief In Guitar God Gets Area Guitarist Through Each Day

issue 4515 | 04.12.09 | Radio
Amateur Metallurgist Always Ready To Melt Things Down

issue 4515 | 04.11.09 | Radio
Homeless To Phase Out Dimes By 2011

issue 4515 | 04.10.09 | Radio
Diabetic Roommate Uses All The Insulin Again

issue 4515 | 04.09.09 | Radio
Obama Accused of High-Sticking In Bicameral Hockey Playoffs

issue 4515 | 04.08.09 | Radio
Global Economy Faces New Threat From Below

issue 4515 | 04.07.09 | Radio
Giant Protest Puppet Kills Dozens Of Peace Drummers

issue 4515 | 04.06.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - April 6, 2009

issue 4515 | 04.06.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Alcohol Only Thing Making Operating Heavy Machinery Bearable

issue 4515 | 04.11.09 | News In Photos
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

issue 4515 | 04.07.09 | News In Photos
Stop Anthropomorphizing Me

issue 4515 | 04.07.09 | Commentary

I know this is going to come across a bit harsh, but I want to get straight to the point. Speaking on behalf of myself and all other... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4515 | 04.07.09 | Horoscopes
Celebrity Tax Deductions

issue 4515 | 04.07.09 | Infographic

The only thing sure in life is death and taxes, even for celebrities. Here are some of the deductions famous Americans are... more»
Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable

issue 4515 | 04.08.09 | Video

Panelists discuss how pornography warps children's minds, leading them to believe sex is actually fun rather than shameful and embarrassing. more»
Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face

issue 4515 | 04.06.09 | Video

Experts say Close Range sets a new standard for first-person shooter games with its vivid graphics and endless stream of exploding faces. more»
Tax Preparation Tips

issue 4515 | 04.08.09 | Tips

Apr. 15 is rapidly approaching, and if you haven't filed your taxes yet, you'd better get started on them. Here are some tips to help... more»
The Week In Review

issue 4515 | 04.13.09 | Slideshow
The World's Most Terrifying Hook

issue 4515 | 04.09.09 | Sunday Magazine
Tyler Hansbrough Takes Year Off To Play Basketball In Peace Corps

issue 4515 | 04.09.09 | Photo Finish
Mother's Anxiety Soothed By Anxious Phone Call From Son

issue 4515 | 04.12.09 | Newswire
Man Feels Weird About Joining Open WiFi Connection 'WhiteNation456'

issue 4515 | 04.10.09 | Newswire
Alien Parasite Can't Find Way Out Of Fat Astronaut

issue 4515 | 04.08.09 | Newswire
Obama Sends Hillary To North Korea To Do That Condescending Nod Thing She Does

issue 4515 | 04.08.09 | Newswire
G20 Nations Propose New Way To Divide Up Africa

issue 4515 | 04.07.09 | Newswire
Welcoming Landlord Covered In Bedbugs

issue 4515 | 04.06.09 | Newswire