Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 18, 2009 - April 24, 2009 | Issue 45•16

Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up 'ThunderCats'

LOS ANGELES—In the largest deal ever made to shit out a movie, Warner Bros. and director Michael Bay announced a landmark $50 million agreement this week to monumentally fuck up ThunderCats. "I couldn't be more excited to completely fuck this up," said Bay, who plans to begin production on destroying the live-action adaptation next month. "ThunderCats has a great story, endeari...

Mr. Pretty-Boy Farmer Still Has All His Fingers

issue 4516 | 04.18.09 | News

PARKERSBURG, IA—Ol' 'Still Got My Thumbs' Ridley hasn't once had to dial 911 with a pencil in his teeth and then wait in the bathtub for the... more»
NASA Embarks On Epic Delay

issue 4516 | 04.17.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"I promise you, this will be the series of setbacks you'll tell your grandchildren about," said Brenda Win, head of the newly... more»
Media Having Trouble Finding Right Angle On Obama's Double-Homicide

issue 4516 | 04.14.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"I'm sure there's a story in there somewhere," said a Newsweek editor, referring to Obama's cold-blooded and vicious killing... more»
Supreme Court Justices Keep Citing Cases Roberts And Alito Are Too Young To Remember

issue 4516 | 04.17.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Although three years have passed since both men joined the court, Chief Justice John Roberts, 54, and Associate Justice... more»
CIA Headquarters Disappears

issue 4516 | 04.17.09 | News In Brief

MCLEAN, VA—Silently, under the cover of darkness, the national headquarters of the CIA vanished Tuesday, leaving no sign that it had... more»
Area Woman's Safety Net Braces For Another Impact

issue 4516 | 04.16.09 | News In Brief

ALBANY, NY—Despite already being stretched to its breaking point, the strained threads of Patricia Hapsburg's social safety net have... more»
Concerts Held To Wish World's Poor Good Luck

issue 4516 | 04.15.09 | News In Brief

ROME—More than 40 artists, including U2, Death Cab for Cutie, Rihanna, and Rage Against the Machine, performed at six simultaneous... more»
Apparently Man Can't Just Hate Bowling

issue 4516 | 04.14.09 | News In Brief

GENESEO, NY—Despite repeated attempts to explain his feelings on the matter, 29-year-old local resident Dave Barrister expressed shock... more»
Advertising Firm Unveils New Mute-Resistant Commercials

issue 4516 | 04.13.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—The Leo Burnett advertising agency announced Tuesday that a McDonald's spot set to air during the upcoming May sweeps will be... more»
Mr. Met Having Trouble Sleeping In New Home

issue 4516 | 04.16.09 | Sports News

FLUSHING, NEW YORK—After dozing off between innings in front of more than 41,000 cheering fans Monday night, an exhausted Mr. Met informed... more»
DHS Warns Of Rise in Right-Wing Extremism

issue 4516 | 04.16.09 | American Voices

The Department of Homeland Security warned law enforcement officials that the recession, the disenfranchisement of returning veterans, and the... more»
Marilyn Chambers Dead At 56

issue 4516 | 04.15.09 | American Voices

Marilyn Chambers, the former pornographic film actress who starred in the film Behind The Green Door and was the face of Ivory Snow... more»
Captain Rescued From Pirates

issue 4516 | 04.14.09 | American Voices

After being held hostage by Somali pirates for five days, Capt. Richard Phillips was rescued by the U.S. Navy on Sunday. What do you think? more»
Texas Legislator Wants Asians To Americanize Names

issue 4516 | 04.13.09 | American Voices

Texas state Rep. Betty Brown suggested that Asian-American voters should change their names to something "easier for Americans to deal with." What... more»
News Anchor Assures Area Caller He's Not Larry

issue 4516 | 04.19.09 | Radio
Temp Puts Extensive Knowledge Of Alphabet To Good Use

issue 4516 | 04.18.09 | Radio
2-Week Bender Just Flies By

issue 4516 | 04.17.09 | Radio
Collapse Of Wayne Industries Forces Batman Into Late-Night Infomercials

issue 4516 | 04.16.09 | Radio
Movie Star To Raise Awareness About Dying Like Moron After Son Dies Like Moron

issue 4516 | 04.15.09 | Radio
Area Woman Finds Nude Sculpture Of Herself At Shady Art Show

issue 4516 | 04.14.09 | Radio
Chrysler Bags Together Day-Old Sebrings For Discount

issue 4516 | 04.13.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - April 13, 2009

issue 4516 | 04.13.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Art Professor Revealed To Be Convincing Fake

issue 4516 | 04.18.09 | News In Photos
First 10 Minutes Of Chess Game Spent Explaining Replacement Pieces

issue 4516 | 04.14.09 | News In Photos
I'm Not One Of Those Insecure Generals Who Needs To Win A Lot Of Battles

issue 4516 | 04.16.09 | Commentary

Another crushing defeat at the hands of the enemy. After four long years, our righteous struggle has come to a bitter end. But fear not! Unlike... more»
Six Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die!

issue 4516 | 04.14.09 | Columnists

Noticed lately all these books that list various things we should see or do before we earn our angel wings? I gotta say, what a brilliant idea.... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4516 | 04.14.09 | Horoscopes
New GM-Segway Vehicle Coming

issue 4516 | 04.15.09 | Infographic

Ailing auto company General Motors has teamed up with personal transport device manufacturer Segway to create the PUMA, a two-person... more»
Favorite Mixers

issue 4516 | 04.15.09 | Statshot
Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All U.S. Dollars

issue 4516 | 04.15.09 | Video

Treasury Officials say the dye used in printed money is extremely toxic and urge Americans to send all their cash to Washington immediately. more»
Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Exceeds Two Hand Jobs

issue 4516 | 04.13.09 | Video

From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs. more»
Simple Tips For A Greener House

issue 4516 | 04.21.09 | Slideshow

Cutting energy consumption not only saves you money, it helps save the environment. Here are 10 simple things you can do around the house to the... more»
The Week In Review

issue 4516 | 04.19.09 | Slideshow
Going Too Far. How Far Is It? Is This Too Far? Because We Don't Think It Is.

issue 4516 | 04.16.09 | Sunday Magazine
2009 Masters Winner Also Given Matching Green Pants

issue 4516 | 04.16.09 | Photo Finish
Wheelchair Athlete Fakes Recovery To Get Out Of Practice

issue 4516 | 04.17.09 | Newswire
It All Works Out In The End, Advises Person Younger Than You

issue 4516 | 04.15.09 | Newswire
Man Attempting To Scat Accidentally Divulges Social Security Number

issue 4516 | 04.13.09 | Newswire