Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 25, 2009 - May 1, 2009 | Issue 45•17

Oprah's African School Forced To Cut Oprahmatics, 20th Century Oprah History

JOHANNESBURG—Faced with a $75,000 deficit in its operational budget, the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls announced this week that it would be forced to cut a number of core Oprah courses from its...

Three Fingered On Class Trip To Washington, D.C.

issue 4517 | 04.25.09 | News

WASHINGTON—The second fingering reportedly took place Thursday night at the hotel after chaperones failed to notice that Nick Stern had been... more»
Pushpin Industry Thriving In Recession

issue 4517 | 04.24.09 | News

WASHINGTON—Experts point to pushpins’ sharpness and rigidity as one of the main reasons why they provide Americans with stability in... more»
God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church

issue 4517 | 04.21.09 | News

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—"Thought I'd just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I'm not even here," said the God of Abraham, Lord... more»
New York Times 'Faces Of The Dead' Editor Just Needs A Couple More To Fill Out Corner

issue 4517 | 04.24.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Explaining that the hardest part of her job is filling "that empty space down on the right there," New York Times "Faces... more»
Suspect Wins Over Detectives With 'Rockford Files' Reference

issue 4517 | 04.23.09 | News In Brief

PASCO, WA—Having just arrested him on suspicion of aggravated assault and robbery, Pasco police officials dropped all charges against... more»
Seymour Hersh Uncovers New Thing Too Sad To Think About

issue 4517 | 04.22.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Sources at The New Yorker said a new article by investigative journalist Seymour Hersh "blows the lid completely off" a... more»
Stupid Man Overshadowed By Louder Stupid Man

issue 4517 | 04.22.09 | News In Brief

BETHESDA, MD—A long, idiotic rant delivered by a demonstrably stupid man was interrupted Monday by the ramblings of a man who, in... more»
Hillary Clinton Launches Intimidating New Fragrance Line

issue 4517 | 04.21.09 | News In Brief

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Unveiling a bold scent described by its manufacturer as "steely, bracing, and curt, with notes of patent leather,... more»
Director For ASPCA Commercial Demands Sadder Looking Dogs

issue 4517 | 04.20.09 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—According to witnesses, commercial director Nathan Foster, 40, is irate over the insufficiently pathetic condition of the... more»
First Homo Leagues Player Shatters MLB Sexuality Barrier

issue 4517 | 04.23.09 | Sports News

OAKLAND, CA—Homo leagues all-star Tyler Patton shattered baseball's long-standing sexual orientation barrier Monday by signing a four-year,... more»
Yahoo! Shutting Down GeoCities

issue 4517 | 04.27.09 | American Voices

After acquiring it for $4.6 billion in 1999, Yahoo! is pulling the plug on free website host GeoCities. What do you think? more»
Indian Business Students Into 'Mein Kampf'

issue 4517 | 04.24.09 | American Voices

The Daily Telegraph of London reports that Indian business students are buying Adolf Hitler's autobiography as a sort of management guide.... more»
Supreme Court Hears Strip-Search Case

issue 4517 | 04.23.09 | American Voices

The Supreme Court heard arguments in Safford Unified School District v. Redding, in which the family of a 13-year-old girl sued after school... more»
Spam A Global Warming Issue

issue 4517 | 04.22.09 | American Voices

According to security technology company McAfee, the amount of energy used to produce, send, and filter spam each year creates as much greenhouse... more»
Jackie Chan Endorses Government Control Of Chinese

issue 4517 | 04.21.09 | American Voices

While addressing a group of Chinese businessmen, Jackie Chan spoke out against freedoms for the Chinese people, saying that if they weren't... more»
WTC Rebuild Delayed

issue 4517 | 04.20.09 | American Voices

Due to the office-space slump, it may take up to three decades to rebuild on the World Trade Center site. What do you think? more»
Misogynist Gets Laid

issue 4517 | 04.26.09 | Radio
Passed-Out Guy On Front Lawn Better Not Be Dead

issue 4517 | 04.25.09 | Radio
Area Showoff Sets Sights On Hula Hoop

issue 4517 | 04.24.09 | Radio
Hypothermic Stripper Nearly Dies Inside Ice-Cream Cake

issue 4517 | 04.23.09 | Radio
Unbelievably Cool Group From High School Still Unbelievably Cool

issue 4517 | 04.22.09 | Radio
Unemployed Coroner Opens Autopsy Stand

issue 4517 | 04.21.09 | Radio
Brad Pitt Signs On To Play Top Hat In Forthcoming Monopoly Movie

issue 4517 | 04.20.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - April 20, 2009

issue 4517 | 04.20.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Last Few Republican Senators Form Roman Tortoise

issue 4517 | 04.26.09 | News In Photos
Biden Quietly Singing Pearl Jam's 'Even Flow' During Security Briefing

issue 4517 | 04.24.09 | News In Photos
Boeing Unveils 40,000-Foot Emergency Slide

issue 4517 | 04.21.09 | News In Photos
Well, There Goes Our Dream Vacation To Somalia

issue 4517 | 04.23.09 | Commentary

When you think about the best places in the world to take your family on a relaxing, two-week trip, the first location that comes to mind is... more»
Sir, You're Going To Have To Ask Me To Leave

issue 4517 | 04.21.09 | Commentary

Excuse me, sir. I said, excuse me, but I'm afraid you'll need to ask me to lower my voice. This is a respectable department store, and... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4517 | 04.20.09 | Horoscopes
Tax Day Celebrated With 'Tea Parties'

issue 4517 | 04.23.09 | Infographic

On Apr. 15, people held rallies all across the nation to protest exorbitant spending and high taxes. Here are some of the slogans that... more»
Making Your Block Greener

issue 4517 | 04.17.09 | Infographic

Community Gardens are getting more popular in urban areas. Residents take a vacant lot, spend a weekend cleaning up and planting, and create... more»
Top Yard Sale Items, 2009

issue 4517 | 04.24.09 | Statshot
How Are Corporations Going Green?

issue 4517 | 04.22.09 | Statshot

[media:94539] more»
Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?

issue 4517 | 04.22.09 | Video

In The Know panelists discuss whether seeing images of dead babies and bludgeoned prostitutes in our sleep is desensitizing Americans to violence. more»
More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas

issue 4517 | 04.20.09 | Video

A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans don’t do their own work. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4517 | 04.26.09 | Slideshow
Gary Sheffield Joins 230 Untainted Home Run Club

issue 4517 | 04.23.09 | Photo Finish
Venus Day 2009: 10 Things You Can Do To Help Rid The Atmosphere Of Noxious, Flesh-Burning Sulfuric Acid

issue 4517 | 04.22.09 | Sunday Magazine
Artist Overappreciated In His Lifetime

issue 4517 | 04.27.09 | Newswire
Nervous Realtor Throws In Second House

issue 4517 | 04.26.09 | Newswire
Tree Planted In Man's Name 9 Years Ago Shows Up At Doorstep

issue 4517 | 04.24.09 | Newswire
138 Dead As Loud Sneeze Startles NRA Meeting

issue 4517 | 04.22.09 | Newswire
Kind Of Music That's Playing Indicates Movie Character Must Be Entering Italy

issue 4517 | 04.20.09 | Newswire