Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 2, 2009 - May 8, 2009 | Issue 45•18

G-175 Nations Convene To Discuss How Things Can't Possibly Be Any Worse

HARARE, ZIMBABWE—In a hotel ballroom eight miles outside Zimbabwe's capital city, representatives from the world's 175 least powerful nations met this week to discuss how...

Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship

issue 4518 | 05.02.09 | News

PORTLAND, OR—After dating for nearly three years, area couple Peter Mazursky and Janet Hyams have finally achieved the perfect semblance of... more»
Sherpa Who Led Neil Armstrong To Moon Dead At 71

issue 4518 | 05.01.09 | News

ST.PETERSBURG, FL—Following the well-worn path of his ancestors, Phurba Dorje, the lunar Sherpa, hauled dehydrated food and supplies as he led... more»
Craigslist Server Contracts HPV

issue 4518 | 04.28.09 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—"We tried to ignore the signs, but every day more and more of those weird wart-looking things appeared on our home page," said a... more»
For Gay Couple, Fulfilling Lifelong Dream Of Marriage Not Worth Moving To Iowa

issue 4518 | 04.30.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Having their sworn commitment to each other and all related rights therein recognized by the highest court of a sovereign... more»
New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering Of Smaller Breasts

issue 4518 | 04.30.09 | News In Brief

LAS VEGAS—The buzz at this month's Consumer Electronics Show was all about a new breakthrough in the field of high-resolution 3-D... more»
'St. Elsewhere' PA Grilled By Howie Mandel's Biographer

issue 4518 | 04.29.09 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES— Bryant Coleman, author of the forthcoming Howie Mandel biography Howie Did What He Did, spent three hours Monday... more»
Lost Cat, Dog On Journey Die Immediately

issue 4518 | 04.28.09 | News In Brief

JACKSON, WY—After their owners inadvertently left them behind in Yellowstone National Park, Louie, a 4-year-old golden retriever, and... more»
FEMA Unveils Nationwide Phone Tree In Case Of Emergency

issue 4518 | 04.27.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—The Federal Emergency Management Agency on Monday unveiled its new $48.2 million Phone Tree Response System, a program... more»
Nation Dumbfounded As To Why Little-Leaguer's Favorite Player Is Chipper Jones

issue 4518 | 04.30.09 | Sports News

DANVILLE, IN—The U.S. populace reacted with confusion, astonishment, and mild disgust upon discovering that 12-year-old little-leaguer... more»
8.5% Of Young Video Gamers Addicted

issue 4518 | 05.04.09 | American Voices

The May edition of the journal Psychological Science contains a study that says 8.5 percent of young gamers play so much that it interferes... more»
Supercomputer On 'Jeopardy'

issue 4518 | 05.01.09 | American Voices

IBM, the company that built master chess computer Deep Blue, is working on a new machine that developers hope can participate in Jeopardy.... more»
Specter Switches Sides

issue 4518 | 04.30.09 | American Voices

Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter announced Tuesday that he was switching from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party. What do you think? more»
Air Force One Photo Op Shocks New Yorkers

issue 4518 | 04.29.09 | American Voices

The sight of Air Force One being trailed by a fighter jet low in the skies of downtown Manhattan sent thousands of workers and residents in the... more»
Swine Flu Epidemic Hits U.S.

issue 4518 | 04.28.09 | American Voices

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano declared a public health emergency after a Mexican swine flu epidemic hit the United States. What do... more»
Cat Given Benefit Of Doubt Again

issue 4518 | 05.03.09 | Radio
Mrs. Butterworth Scientists Engineer More Absorbent Pancake

issue 4518 | 05.02.09 | Radio
Rookie Defense Attorney Takes Overruled Objection Personally

issue 4518 | 05.01.09 | Radio
Kidnappers Running Out Of Fingers To Send

issue 4518 | 04.30.09 | Radio
Stunned Supporter Finally Leaves McCain Victory Party

issue 4518 | 04.29.09 | Radio
Jetliner Briefly Passes Through Heaven

issue 4518 | 04.28.09 | Radio
Obama Maintains Cool Demeanor While Reading End Of 'Old Yeller' To Schoolkids

issue 4518 | 04.27.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - April 27, 2009

issue 4518 | 04.27.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Renée Zellweger No Longer Renée Zellweger Type

issue 4518 | 05.02.09 | News In Photos
Auction Won By Crab With $20 Stuck In Claw

issue 4518 | 04.28.09 | News In Photos
If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me

issue 4518 | 04.30.09 | Commentary

Look, we've been friends a long time, and this probably goes without saying, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I want you to know that anytime... more»
What The Hell Am I Supposed To Do With All These Constitutional Rights?

issue 4518 | 04.28.09 | Commentary

Too much of one thing can cause a person a lot of stress, and you know what's stressing me out? All these rights guaranteed to me by the... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4518 | 05.01.09 | Horoscopes
Congress Working On Credit Card Reform

issue 4518 | 04.28.09 | Infographic

The House Financial Services Committee has approved a "Credit Cardholders' Bill of Rights" designed to control the detrimental habits of... more»
What Are We Finishing Since We've Been Laid Off?

issue 4518 | 04.29.09 | Statshot
Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions

issue 4518 | 04.29.09 | Video

Uganda's Ambassador is threatening to abolish the Committee on Conferences and author the draft calendar of conferences and meetings himself. more»
Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show

issue 4518 | 04.27.09 | Video

On Auto Warriors two Ford plants will battle it out, building to the LIVE season finale event: one plant will close, 3,000 will get the axe! more»
The Week In Review

issue 4518 | 05.03.09 | Slideshow
The 10 Finalists Of Our Annual "Send Us $65" Contest

issue 4518 | 04.30.09 | Sunday Magazine
Retired Big Brown Given ESPN Commentator Position

issue 4518 | 04.30.09 | Photo Finish
Student Asks Career Counselor How One Becomes A Regis Philbin

issue 4518 | 05.03.09 | Newswire
Morning After Romantic Night Ruined By Sight Of Rose Petals Stuck To Sweaty Husband's Back

issue 4518 | 05.01.09 | Newswire
Copy Of Key To City Made For Girlfriend

issue 4518 | 04.29.09 | Newswire