Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 9, 2009 - May 15, 2009 | Issue 45•19

Nation Ready To Be Lied To About Economy Again

WASHINGTON—After nearly four months of frank, honest, and open dialogue about the failing economy, a weary U.S. populace announced this week that it is once...

Area Man First In His Family To Coast Through College

issue 4519 | 05.09.09 | News

MINNEAPOLIS—"My father, my father's father, and all those before them—they struggled and gave it their all so I wouldn't have to," said... more»
Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel

issue 4519 | 05.08.09 | News

BURBANK, CA—Producers said that not only would they do everything in their power to make the sequel the most repellent, soulless, pandering... more»
Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway

issue 4519 | 05.05.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"This baby just needs a little scrub down," said Biden, addressing a tour group as he tucked his sweat-covered top into the belt... more»
Mainstream Media At It Again, Bloggers Report

issue 4519 | 05.08.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The mainstream media—a loose consortium of corporate news outlets known for using professionally trained journalists... more»
Concert Security Guard Would Willingly Give His Life To Protect Coldplay

issue 4519 | 05.08.09 | News In Brief

CHULA VISTA, CA—Twenty-four-year-old security guard Ian Moran told reporters Tuesday that he would gladly lay down his life to protect... more»
Sun Goes Out For A Few Seconds

issue 4519 | 05.07.09 | News In Brief

TUCSON, AZ—Officials at the Kitt Peak National Observatory are saying that, while the short period of utter darkness and intense cold... more»
12 Publicists Dead, 43 Injured In Struggle To Transform The Rock Into Dwayne Johnson

issue 4519 | 05.06.09 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—According to reports, another dozen publicists are dead in what talent managers are calling a minor victory in the ongoing... more»
Shadow Government Getting Too Large To Meet In Marriott Conference Room B

issue 4519 | 05.05.09 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—With its membership swelling in recent months, the mysterious organization that secretly pulls the levers of American power... more»
Misbuttoned Coat Makes Perfectly Sane Woman Look Like Raving Lunatic

issue 4519 | 05.04.09 | News In Brief

SEATTLE—After improperly buttoning her Gap wool-blend peacoat Monday morning, leaving 6 inches of excess material flapping down by her... more»
Slashed Ticket Prices Allow Lesser Nobility To Attend Yankees Games

issue 4519 | 05.07.09 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Dukes, barons, viscounts, and earls are applauding the Yankees' recent decision to cut prices on dugout and foul-line field-level... more»
NASA Running Out Of Fuel

issue 4519 | 05.11.09 | American Voices

NASA is running short of plutonium-238, the fuel needed in deep space missions, because nuclear warhead production has slowed dramatically since... more»
Michael Savage Banned From Britain

issue 4519 | 05.08.09 | American Voices

Conservative radio personality Michael Savage has been included on a list of people unable to enter the U.K. for allegedly promoting hate, his name... more»
Newest Kindle May Change Textbook Market

issue 4519 | 05.07.09 | American Voices

The recently introduced Amazon Kindle DX, a larger-screened version of the popular electronic reader, is expected to change the way college... more»
Men's Health Department Proposed

issue 4519 | 05.06.09 | American Voices

Reps. Barron Hill (D-IN) and Tim Murphy (R-PA) introduced legislation that would create an Office of Men's Health within the Department of Health... more»
China Quarantines Mexicans

issue 4519 | 05.05.09 | American Voices

Hoping to contain the swine flu, China is rounding up visitors from Mexico and holding them in conditions that Mexican government has described as... more»
Cult Leader Wants To Lead More Normal People To Their Deaths

issue 4519 | 05.09.09 | Radio
Selfish Scientists Won't Share New Findings

issue 4519 | 05.08.09 | Radio
Former Movie Star Remains Comatose Following Career-Reviving Car Crash

issue 4519 | 05.07.09 | Radio
Police Detective Subjects His Own Faith In God To Rough Questioning

issue 4519 | 05.06.09 | Radio
Grown-Up Ferris Bueller Charms His Way Out Of Paying Child Support

issue 4519 | 05.05.09 | Radio
Yellowstone National Park Hires Plumber To Fix Clogged Geyser

issue 4519 | 05.04.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - May 4, 2009

issue 4519 | 05.04.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Area Bird Creeped Out By Bird Watcher

issue 4519 | 05.09.09 | News In Photos
Ex-Con Back Behind Bar

issue 4519 | 05.05.09 | News In Photos
Hey, Dave, Do You Know A Jack Spencer?

issue 4519 | 05.07.09 | Commentary

So, Dave, I'm thinking Natilli's on Crawford Avenue for lunch today. You know the place with the green awning that just opened up near... more»
Kids, Your Mother And I Are Getting Divorced When You Least Expect It

issue 4519 | 05.05.09 | Commentary

We need to talk. First of all, please understand that your mother and I love you very much, so this is hard to say. The thing... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4519 | 05.05.09 | Horoscopes
Kerry Begins Newspaper Hearings

issue 4519 | 05.05.09 | Infographic

In light of recent newspaper closures, Sen. John Kerry is holding hearings this week about the struggling print journalism industry. Here... more»
What Are We Doing For Mother's Day?

issue 4519 | 05.06.09 | Statshot
Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee

issue 4519 | 05.06.09 | Video

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don't even care about. more»
Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

issue 4519 | 05.04.09 | Video

Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams' enjoyable, engaging prequel betrays what Star Trek is all about. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4519 | 05.15.09 | Slideshow
Film & Television

issue 4519 | 05.08.09 | Slideshow
Alan Klemke: The First 100 Days

issue 4519 | 05.07.09 | Sunday Magazine
Michael Vick Regrets Wearing Dog-Skin Coat To Meet With Goodell

issue 4519 | 05.07.09 | Photo Finish
Area Man Unknowingly Joins Side Of AIDS In Global Fight Against AIDS

issue 4519 | 05.10.09 | Newswire
Father No Longer Feels Nervous When Walking Daughter Down Aisle

issue 4519 | 05.08.09 | Newswire
Resumé Consists Of Name, 45 Years At GM Plant

issue 4519 | 05.06.09 | Newswire
Sen. Arlen Specter Awakens To Severed Donkey Head In Bed

issue 4519 | 05.04.09 | Newswire
Glider Crash Quietly Kills 2

issue 4519 | 05.04.09 | Newswire