Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 16, 2009 - May 22, 2009 | Issue 45•20

Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute

TUCSON, AZ—Though initial calculations showed it to be on a direct collision course with Earth, a pansy-ass asteroid approximately the size of Rhode Island has instead altered its trajectory to avoid the planet...

Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

issue 4520 | 05.16.09 | News

HARRISBURG, PA—"You remember Jerry," Mom said in a long-distance telephone call to her youngest son, Daniel Schickele, 29. "He bought you that... more»
Nike Introduces New Intercourse Shoe

issue 4520 | 05.15.09 | News

BEAVERTON, OR—According to a Nike press release, the Air Fornicator's revolutionary midsole component works to adapt to the user’s pelvic... more»
Detroit Mayor Throws First Brick In Glass-Breaking Ceremony For New Slum

issue 4520 | 05.12.09 | News

DETROIT—After three years of construction and nearly $23,000 in public funds, the rat-infested, crime-ridden development will provide... more»
Grandmother's Folksy Sayings Delay Senility Detection For Years

issue 4520 | 05.15.09 | News In Brief

CLARE, MI—Despite losing the last of her mental faculties in 2004, Mary Parise, 89, avoided being committed to an elder-care facility... more»
Israeli PM Debuts New Road Map For Continued Strife

issue 4520 | 05.14.09 | News In Brief

JERUSALEM—In a historic speech before the U.N. Tuesday, newly elected Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu unveiled a... more»
Life Choices Leading Area Man To Career In Self-Storage

issue 4520 | 05.14.09 | News In Brief

ATHENS, GA—Unbeknownst to struggling sculptor Thomas Cleary, 28, several of his life choices are inevitably leading him closer to a... more»
Bitchy Girlfriend Just Asking For Anne Hathaway To Swoop In, Steal Man Away

issue 4520 | 05.13.09 | News In Brief

ST. CLOUD, MN—According to concerned sources, Jill Sagert, 29—a prissy, uptight lawyer who doesn't realize what a great guy her... more»
Report: Majority Of Pay Phone Conversations Begin, End In Tears

issue 4520 | 05.12.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—A new study by the Federal Communications Commission has determined that as many as 81 percent of all calls made over pay... more»
Classmates.com Employees Don't Have Heart To Tell CEO About Facebook

issue 4520 | 05.11.09 | News In Brief

SEATTLE—Employees at Classmates.com—an online service that enables users to find and communicate with people from their past for... more»
Manny Ramirez: 'Am I In Trouble?'

issue 4520 | 05.14.09 | Sports News

LOS ANGELES—According to his teammates, his coaches, and the media, Manny Ramirez has appeared visibly confused and anxious since receiving... more»
Cow Genome Outlined

issue 4520 | 05.18.09 | American Voices

After six years of work, 300 scientists have unraveled the bovine genome, which may lead to better milk and meat production. What do you... more»
Craigslist Stops Running Erotic Services Ads

issue 4520 | 05.15.09 | American Voices

In light of recent controversy, including the case of the "Craigslist killer," the Internet classified service announced it was eliminating its... more»
Statue Of Liberty's Crown Reopening

issue 4520 | 05.14.09 | American Voices

Beginning July 4, the crown of the Statue of Liberty will be open to the public for the first time since Sept. 11, 2001. What do you think? more»
Graduating Seniors Face Bleak Job Market

issue 4520 | 05.13.09 | American Voices

With the country in the grips of a deep recession, college students will be graduating in a bad job market. What do you think? more»
Military's Gay Policy Being Reevaluated

issue 4520 | 05.12.09 | American Voices

The Obama administration is in the early stages of revamping the policy for gays in the military. What do you think? more»
Nation Gears Up For Annual Carny Migration

issue 4520 | 05.24.09 | Radio
Run-Down Amusement Park Owner Now Lives Out Of Bumper Car

issue 4520 | 05.23.09 | Radio
Chinese Stuff Live Panda Into Time Capsule

issue 4520 | 05.22.09 | Radio
New Strain Of Alan Starzinski Flu Traced Back To Alan Starzinski

issue 4520 | 05.21.09 | Radio
Marijuana Legalized 2 Days After Advocates Put On Neckties

issue 4520 | 05.20.09 | Radio
CIA Capture The Flag Game Inadvertently Overthrows President Hugo Chavez

issue 4520 | 05.19.09 | Radio
President Obama Vetoes Mutant Registration Act

issue 4520 | 05.18.09 | Radio
New 26-Foot Micro Marathon Hailed As Future of Running

issue 4520 | 05.17.09 | Radio
Paranoid Optimist Just Knows Someone Is Out To Get Him A Present

issue 4520 | 05.16.09 | Radio
Auto Dealer Saving All The Good Cars For Himself

issue 4520 | 05.15.09 | Radio
Space Station Crew Members Deny Throwing Things At Sweden

issue 4520 | 05.14.09 | Radio
College Student Gradually Becomes Townie

issue 4520 | 05.13.09 | Radio
U.S. Interstate System To Create One Massive Rest Area

issue 4520 | 05.12.09 | Radio
Those Damn Bluegrass Players At It Again

issue 4520 | 05.11.09 | Radio
Pacific Island Volcano Erupts With Force Of 300 Vin Diesels

issue 4520 | 05.10.09 | Radio
Rappers MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice Sign Apartment Lease

issue 4520 | 05.12.07 | Radio
Bluesman Claims Yemen Done Him Wrong

issue 4520 | 05.12.07 | Radio
Area Bassist Fellated

issue 4520 | 05.12.07 | Radio
New Jimmy Buffett Song 'Cold Weather and Personal Responsibility' Disappoints Longtime Fans

issue 4520 | 05.12.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - May 11, 2009

issue 4520 | 05.11.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Judge Pumps Self Up Before Verdict By Listening To Andrew W.K.

issue 4520 | 05.16.09 | News In Photos
RC Car Works Up Courage To Approach Group Of Girls

issue 4520 | 05.12.09 | News In Photos
There's Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself, And Also Me, The Ghost Of Franklin Delano Roosevelt

issue 4520 | 05.12.09 | Commentary

My fellow Americans, it is time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. We must not shrink from honestly facing the harsh... more»
Ask A Wife Helping Her Husband Back A Camper Into A Park Site

issue 4520 | 05.14.09 | Advice

Dear Wife Helping Her Husband Back a Camper into a Park Site, My parents are getting to that age when they need a little... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4520 | 05.12.09 | Horoscopes
Revitalizing The GOP

issue 4520 | 05.12.09 | Infographic

The defection of Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter from the Republicans to the Democrats has left the GOP without enough members to... more»
What Awards Are We Hanging In Our Office?

issue 4520 | 05.13.09 | Statshot
Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing

issue 4520 | 05.13.09 | Video

Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son. more»
Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

issue 4520 | 05.11.09 | Video

Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4520 | 05.17.09 | Slideshow
Class In America

issue 4520 | 05.13.09 | Slideshow
Who Dumped Who? Or Is It Whom? 10 Common Grammar Mistakes

issue 4520 | 05.14.09 | Sunday Magazine
Startled Glen Davis Retracts Head Into Body

issue 4520 | 05.14.09 | Photo Finish
Man Reaches Point In Text Messaging Where He Must Stop Walking

issue 4520 | 05.18.09 | Newswire
Audience’s Disbelief Thrashing Against Gates Of Suspension

issue 4520 | 05.16.09 | Newswire
Local Man Not Sure Who To Take From Prom This Year

issue 4520 | 05.15.09 | Newswire
Imaginary Friend Sure Knows A Lot About Burning Down Homes

issue 4520 | 05.13.09 | Newswire
GOP Struggling To Appeal To Goddamn Hispanics

issue 4520 | 05.12.09 | Newswire
Area Man Asked For Opinion Out Of Pity

issue 4520 | 05.11.09 | Newswire