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May 23, 2009 - May 29, 2009 | Issue 45•21

Department Of Labor Spends $40 Billion To Create One Amazing New Job

WASHINGTON—In an effort to stimulate economic growth and boost the confidence of the American workforce, the federal government has allocated $40 billion to create one unbelievably mind-blowing new job, Labor Secretary Hilda Solis announced Monday. The position, which will require the selected applicant to relocate to a sprawling, white-sand-beach facility on St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands, will begin immediately after the employee is hired. In addition to a $500,000 annual salar...

Radiohead Denies Influencing Local Band

issue 4521 | 05.23.09 | News

DAYTON, OH—"Just because you use a vocoder doesn't make you a fearless pioneer of post-punk techno-rock," explained Radiohead producer Nigel... more»
New Netpix Service Sends Unlimited Photographs For Monthly Fee

issue 4521 | 05.22.09 | News

LOS GATOS, CA—Netpix offers the largest photographic catalog in the U.S., including pictures of sunsets, grisly crime scenes, and snapshots of... more»
Texas Constructs U.S. Border Wall To Keep Out Unwanted Americans

issue 4521 | 05.19.09 | News

WICHITA FALLS, TX—"I have nothing personal against Americans," said Texas Governor Rick Perry. "I just think they should stay in America, where... more»
Senior Center Restocks On Rum Raisin Ice Cream

issue 4521 | 05.22.09 | News In Brief

PRESCOTT, AZ—Residents of the Prescott Senior Center were pleased on Tuesday to learn that a new order of rum raisin ice cream had... more»
Guantánamo Detainee Ruled Not Mentally Fit To Testify About Psychological Torture

issue 4521 | 05.21.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In its first major hearing on the use of abusive interrogation tactics at Guantánamo Bay, a blue-ribbon panel found... more»
Senior Prank Somehow Leaves High School With Increased Math Funding

issue 4521 | 05.21.09 | News In Brief

TEXARKANA, TX—A prank in which seniors at West Texarkana High arrived for first-period classes with their shirts and pants on backward... more»
Monument Designer To See If Some Other Country Wants To Buy Rejected War Memorial

issue 4521 | 05.20.09 | News In Brief

LEESBURG, VA—Explaining that her design is not necessarily war-specific, Claire Dunham has begun shopping around a rejected memorial... more»
New Prescription Fish Tank Eliminates Need For Glasses While Looking At Fish

issue 4521 | 05.19.09 | News In Brief

SAGINAW, MI—Executives at Poseidon Aquatic Enclosures announced Monday the launch of a new line of made-to-order fish tanks that can... more»
Area Woman Worried She's Forgetting What Heath Ledger Looked Like

issue 4521 | 05.18.09 | News In Brief

LAFAYETTE, LA—A little more than a year after Heath Ledger's tragic death, 36-year-old Petra Rowe struggled Thursday to clearly remember... more»
Preakness-Winning Filly An Inspiration To Women Who Want To Win Preakness

issue 4521 | 05.21.09 | Sports News

BALTIMORE—By becoming the first filly to win the Preakness Stakes in 85 years, thoroughbred Rachel Alexandra inspired millions of women... more»
Archie To Choose Betty Or Veronica

issue 4521 | 05.25.09 | American Voices

After nearly 68 years, a grown-up Archie Andrews will ask either Betty or Veronica for her hand in marriage in an upcoming issue of his eponymous... more»
Guantánamo Closure Delayed

issue 4521 | 05.22.09 | American Voices

By a margin of 90-6, the Senate voted down funding to relocate the 240 inmates being held at Guantánamo Bay to facilities on American soil.... more»
Allen Settles With American Apparel

issue 4521 | 05.21.09 | American Voices

Filmmaker Woody Allen reached a $5 million settlement with American Apparel after suing the clothing manufacturer for unauthorized use of his... more»
Scorsese To Direct Sinatra Biopic

issue 4521 | 05.20.09 | American Voices

Director Martin Scorsese has signed on to helm a movie about the life of singer Frank Sinatra. What do you think? more»
Economy Has Bottomed Out

issue 4521 | 05.19.09 | American Voices

White House budget chief Peter Orszag said that with April consumer prices stable and production declining at a slower rate, the worst of the... more»
Concerned Parents Demand Removal Of Arsenic From Periodic Table Of Elements

issue 4521 | 05.22.07 | Radio
Parents Of 80-Pound Toddler Lapping Up Publicity

issue 4521 | 05.22.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - May 18, 2009

issue 4521 | 05.18.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Man Escapes Eritrean Civil War To Clean Martini Puke From Back Of Taxi

issue 4521 | 05.23.09 | News In Photos
Unusually Level-Headed, Charismatic Lichen Species Named After Obama

issue 4521 | 05.19.09 | News In Photos
I Realize I Haven't Been The World's Best Star Of 'Criminal Minds' Lately

issue 4521 | 05.19.09 | Commentary

There comes a time in every man's life when he needs to stand up and face the music. A time when he must walk right up to that mirror and ask... more»
Swine Flu Season Is Really Flu-ing By!

issue 4521 | 05.21.09 | Columnists

Paging Dr. Dudek! Paging Dr. Dudek! You're wanted in the OR to perform an MRI and EKG on REO Speedwagon ASAP! A-OK? Don't... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4521 | 05.19.09 | Horoscopes
Social Security, Medicare Running Out Of Money

issue 4521 | 05.19.09 | Infographic

A combination of the floundering economy and the increasing number of retiring baby boomers could completely drain Medicare by 2017 and... more»
Where Are We Scattering Our Ashes?

issue 4521 | 05.20.09 | Statshot
NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line

issue 4521 | 05.20.09 | Video

Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice. more»
Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

issue 4521 | 05.18.09 | Video

The fire was ruled an accident after a tedious review of thousands of digital photos documenting every second of the five hour party. more»
Drugs In America

issue 4521 | 06.02.09 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4521 | 05.24.09 | Slideshow
How Princess Diana Would Be Staying Fit At 47

issue 4521 | 05.21.09 | Sunday Magazine
Chauncy Billups Exploits Screen-Wraparound Glitch

issue 4521 | 05.21.09 | Photo Finish
Attempt To Spell 'Mayonnaise' Devolving With Every Effort

issue 4521 | 05.24.09 | Newswire
Romance Novel Squeezed Wistfully Between Sausage-Like Fingers

issue 4521 | 05.22.09 | Newswire
Turkey Gobbles Just As Man On Hunting Trip Tells Father He's Gay

issue 4521 | 05.20.09 | Newswire
Pelosi Alleges CIA Failed To Tell Her Democratic Party Would Be Opposed To Waterboarding

issue 4521 | 05.18.09 | Newswire