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May 30, 2009 - June 5, 2009 | Issue 45•22

Report: Increasing Number Of Educators Found To Be Suffering From Teaching Disabilities

WASHINGTON—A shocking report released by the U.S. Department of Education this week revealed that a growing number of the nation's educators struggle on a daily basis with some...

Bar Owner Cannot Fucking Believe He Actually Sponsored An Adult Kickball Team

issue 4522 | 05.30.09 | News

ST.LOUIS—"If another asshole comes in wearing a 'scoregasm' shirt, I won't even be able to look at myself in the mirror anymore," said bar... more»
Smoke Monster From 'Lost' Given Own Primetime Spin-Off Series

issue 4522 | 05.29.09 | News

BURBANK, CA—ABC sources reported that Where There's Smoke will transplant the evil black cloud from the island of Lost to the... more»
KFC No Longer Permitted To Use Word 'Eat' In Advertisements

issue 4522 | 05.26.09 | News

WASHINGTON—While "eat," "feast on," and "taste" remain off-limits, the FCC has approved the use of "purchase," "be near to," "look at," and... more»
Obama Revises Campaign Promise Of 'Change' To 'Relatively Minor Readjustments In Certain Favorable Policy Areas'

issue 4522 | 05.29.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In a slight shift from his campaign trail promise, President Obama announced Monday that his administration's message of... more»
Man Realizes He Has No Interests

issue 4522 | 05.29.09 | News In Brief

PALM COAST, FL—After attempting to fill out his personal profile on an Internet dating site, area resident Sam Stanger came to the... more»
Parents Legally Change 9-Year-Old's Name To Better Reflect Current Pop Culture

issue 4522 | 05.28.09 | News In Brief

EVANSVILLE, IN—Stating that it was fine, but not as contemporary as their daughter deserved, the parents of nine-year-old Britney... more»
Changing Channel On Local Bar's TV More Of A Process Than Area Man Anticipated

issue 4522 | 05.27.09 | News In Brief

CHEYENNE, WY—Although no one at the Bleachers Bar and Grill seemed to be paying attention to the television set, the act of getting... more»
Mildfires Amble Through California

issue 4522 | 05.26.09 | News In Brief

OJAI, CA—A series of mildfires ambled casually through California this week, lazily threatening nearby homes, warming helpless wildlife,... more»
In Attempt To Jump-Start Economy, Obama Declares Tuesdays Ladies' Night

issue 4522 | 05.25.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—As part of his administration's continued efforts to stimulate the economy and liven up a slow weeknight, President Obama... more»
Supreme Court Justice Application Asks For 3 Sample Opinions

issue 4522 | 05.25.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—The White House announced Tuesday that job seekers hoping to fill Justice David Souter's Supreme Court seat must complete... more»
Manny Ramirez To David Ortiz: 'Road Trip'

issue 4522 | 05.28.09 | Sports News

SOMEWHERE ALONG I-65—Best buddies Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, both of whom find themselves at professional crossroads and both... more»
'American Idol' Results Tainted?

issue 4522 | 05.29.09 | American Voices

AT&T, one of the biggest sponsors of American Idol, has been accused of skewing the results for winner Kris Allen by distributing mobile... more»
Obama Announces Justice Nominee

issue 4522 | 05.28.09 | American Voices

President Barack Obama has chosen New York federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court. What do you... more»
Brooke Shields Regrets Losing Virginity At 22

issue 4522 | 05.27.09 | American Voices

In a recent interview, actress Brooke Shields said she wished she had come to terms with her appearance at a younger age so she could have had sex... more»
Lower IQs Linked To Epilepsy Medication

issue 4522 | 05.26.09 | American Voices

Children of women who took the antiseizure drug valproate had lower IQs than those of women on other epilepsy medications. What do you think? more»
Man Who Lost Leg To Whale Decides To Let It Go

issue 4522 | 05.31.09 | Radio
Elk Majestically Tramples 3

issue 4522 | 05.30.09 | Radio
Peter Gallagher Once Again Named 'Eyebrow' Magazine Man Of The Year

issue 4522 | 05.29.09 | Radio
China Leaks Preemptive Apology For Shooting Down Space Shuttle

issue 4522 | 05.28.09 | Radio
Maker Of Dixie Cups Debuts New Line Of Paper Cookware

issue 4522 | 05.27.09 | Radio
Record Number Of Americans Settling For Sex At Home

issue 4522 | 05.26.09 | Radio
New DNA Evidence Forces Investigators To Reopen Nancy Drew Mystery

issue 4522 | 05.25.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - May 25, 2009

issue 4522 | 05.25.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Edge Of Table Victorious Over Toddler

issue 4522 | 05.30.09 | News In Photos
Obama Addresses Nation Still Wearing Spock Ears

issue 4522 | 05.26.09 | News In Photos
Oh, No! It's Making Well-Reasoned Arguments Backed With Facts! Run!

issue 4522 | 05.28.09 | Commentary

I…I think it's finally over. Our reactionary emotional response seems to have stopped it dead in its tracks. If I'm right, all we have to... more»
You Should Come Out To The Country House This Weekend And Envy My Family's Extreme Wealth

issue 4522 | 05.26.09 | Commentary

If you don't have any plans for the big weekend coming up, I've got a fantastic idea: Why don't you come join my family and me at our... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4522 | 05.26.09 | Horoscopes
Obama's New Fuel Efficiency Plan

issue 4522 | 05.26.09 | Infographic

Last week, President Obama announced a plan to lower automobile emissions by requiring new cars to average 35.5 miles per gallon. How... more»
What Ancient Curse Has Been Cast On Us?

issue 4522 | 05.27.09 | Statshot
Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

issue 4522 | 05.28.09 | Video

Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US. more»
Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'

issue 4522 | 05.25.09 | Video

Girlfriends' spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal... more»
Supreme Court

issue 4522 | 05.28.09 | Slideshow
We Regret Asking Americans To Talk About Faith

issue 4522 | 05.28.09 | Sunday Magazine
John Daly Honors Amy Mickelson By Wearing Pink Sports Bra

issue 4522 | 05.28.09 | Photo Finish
Inside Joke Book Selling Poorly

issue 4522 | 05.31.09 | Newswire
Attractive Friend Better At Video Games Too

issue 4522 | 05.29.09 | Newswire
Angry Geese Led On Wild Jeff Chase

issue 4522 | 05.27.09 | Newswire
British, Russian History Give Away Ending To US War In Afghanistan

issue 4522 | 05.27.09 | Newswire
Man In Heaven Sick Of Explaining That He Knows All About Pumping The Brakes Now

issue 4522 | 05.25.09 | Newswire