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June 6, 2009 - June 12, 2009 | Issue 45•23

Hercules Still Struggling To Complete 13th Labor

GREENSBORO, NC—Stating that he had not yet fulfilled the labors set forth by Eurystheus to the satisfaction of the Mycenaean king, mythic hero Hercules announced Monday that for the 35th time in 3,000 years he will run for Greensboro City Council. While many are familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules, it is not as widely known that the Greek demigod f...

Pathetic Man Thinking About Maybe Taking Some Sort Of Class Of Some Kind

issue 4523 | 06.06.09 | News

DUNDEE, IL—"In college I used to do things all the time. Maybe it'd be like that again. You never know until you try," said Pathetic Man,... more»
New Homely Doll To Improve Self-Image Of Young Girls

issue 4523 | 06.05.09 | News

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Mattel, which has been criticized in the past for promoting unrealistic standards of beauty, claimed that the new doll would not... more»
FBI: Terrorist Attack On Golden Gate Bridge May Have Been Green-Screened

issue 4523 | 06.02.09 | News

WASHINGTON—Sources said federal authorities revisited video of the tragic events of May 16 after a field agent noticed a bright, greenish... more»
Presidential Radio Address Pledge Drive In Its Final Day

issue 4523 | 06.05.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Host President Obama and special guest Ed Begley, Jr. hunkered down in the Oval Office with a phone bank full of Cabinet... more»
Simple Task Of Going To Post Office Feels Like Weight Of 10,000 Boulders

issue 4523 | 06.04.09 | News In Brief

STEVENS POINT, WI—After days of procrastination, the everyday errand of taking a small package to the post office bore down heavily... more»
Museum Staff Braces For Large Group Wearing Same T-Shirt

issue 4523 | 06.03.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Well-placed sources at the Art Institute of Chicago reported Tuesday that the employees were bracing for an imminent encounter... more»
20 Million Americans Without Health Care Attend Painful, Labored March On Washington

issue 4523 | 06.02.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—With Congress once again turning its attention to health care reform, millions of uninsured Americans made their hoarse and... more»
Stephen Baldwin's Personal Assistant Promoted To Stephen Baldwin

issue 4523 | 06.02.09 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—After two years of performing management and coordination tasks at an "exceptional level," Stephen Baldwin's personal... more»
Archaeologists Discover World's First Guy Named Marty

issue 4523 | 06.01.09 | News In Brief

SZEGED, HUNGARY—University of Toronto archaeologists excavating a prehistoric settlement near the Serbian border announced Tuesday that... more»
Detroit, Pittsburgh Both Attempting To Lose Stanley Cup, Avoid Expensive Victory Parade

issue 4523 | 06.04.09 | Sports News

DETROIT/PITTSBURGH—As the Stanley Cup Finals continue, Penguins and Red Wings fans alike are urging their teams to spare their beleaguered... more»
OAS Welcomes Cuba Back

issue 4523 | 06.05.09 | American Voices

The 35 member nations of the Organization of American States rescinded its 47-year suspension of Cuba from the group. What do you think? more»
Nintendo Introduces New 'Vitality Sensor'

issue 4523 | 06.04.09 | American Voices

At the Electronic Entertainment Expo, Nintendo unveiled the Wii Vitality Sensor, a device that attaches to your finger and, according to the... more»
The Cost Of Winning In Minnesota

issue 4523 | 06.03.09 | American Voices

The undecided Senate race between incumbent Republican Norm Coleman and challenger Al Franken has cost the two a combined $50 million dollars. What... more»
Conan’s 'Tonight' Debut

issue 4523 | 06.02.09 | American Voices

Former Late Night host Conan O'Brien took over helming duties of the venerable Tonight Show from Jay Leno last night. What do... more»
Microsoft Launches New Search Engine

issue 4523 | 06.01.09 | American Voices

In an attempt to recapture market share lost to Google, Microsoft has announced the launch of a new search engine it calls "Bing." What do... more»
Area Cousin Graduates To Little Fanfare

issue 4523 | 06.07.09 | Radio
Coalition Of Hobos, Raccoons Collapses Over Meaty Bone

issue 4523 | 06.06.09 | Radio
Grown Woman Flirts At Grade School Level

issue 4523 | 06.05.09 | Radio
'Scientific American' Somehow Makes A Woman Feel Bad About Her Body

issue 4523 | 06.04.09 | Radio
Area Man Not At All Pleased To Be In Lion Costume

issue 4523 | 06.03.09 | Radio
Supreme Court Executioner To Retire

issue 4523 | 06.02.09 | Radio
God Checks Into Mayo Clinic For Routine Physical

issue 4523 | 06.01.09 | Radio
Overweight Man Receives Lose-Weight-Fast Spam E-Mail Featuring His Picture

issue 4523 | 06.03.07 | Radio
Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment

issue 4523 | 06.03.07 | Radio
Obese Children Brought In To Lap Up Sugar-Fat Spill

issue 4523 | 06.03.07 | Radio
Obese Man Impaled In Wicker-Chair Disaster

issue 4523 | 06.03.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - June 1, 2009

issue 4523 | 06.01.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Bar Mitzvah Transforms Jewish Boy Into Elderly Man

issue 4523 | 06.13.09 | News In Photos
Tick Happy Where He Is

issue 4523 | 06.02.09 | News In Photos
The Jewish People Have Endured So Much, What I'm Going To Put Them Through Is Nothing

issue 4523 | 06.04.09 | Commentary

It's hard not to be moved when you think about the plight of the Jewish people and all that they've been through. No other faith has shown... more»
Kids, Come Look At This Dreadlock From My College Days

issue 4523 | 06.02.09 | Commentary

Hey, kids, look what I found! It was in an old trunk up in the attic, tucked away in a Ziploc bag under my Jane's Addiction T-shirt. Can you... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4523 | 06.02.09 | Horoscopes
Who Is Sonia Sotomayor?

issue 4523 | 06.02.09 | Infographic

Second U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor was nominated last week to replace Justice David Souter on the Supreme Court.... more»
What Are We Buying At The Farmer's Market?

issue 4523 | 06.03.09 | Statshot
New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

issue 4523 | 06.04.09 | Video

Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it'd never been... more»
Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage

issue 4523 | 06.01.09 | Video

Rep. Iscoe warns gays will give penises to lesbians who will give them vaginas so that homosexuals can marry and continue their attack on the... more»
Look At This Mess. Just Look At It! How Did This Happen?

issue 4523 | 06.05.09 | Sunday Magazine
Kobe Brygdanov Leads Red Wings To Game 2 Win

issue 4523 | 06.04.09 | Photo Finish
After Watching News, Man Checks Wallet To Make Sure Cash Still There

issue 4523 | 06.07.09 | Newswire
Area Foot Finds Nice Cool Spot In Bed

issue 4523 | 06.05.09 | Newswire
Weirdo Pundit Takes Second To Think

issue 4523 | 06.03.09 | Newswire
Aunt Wants Picture Of Cake

issue 4523 | 06.03.09 | Newswire
Lone Grunt Echoes Mournfully From Tim Allen's Mansion Estate

issue 4523 | 06.01.09 | Newswire