Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 20, 2009 - June 26, 2009 | Issue 45•25

Report: 90% Of Waking Hours Spent Staring At Glowing Rectangles

PALO ALTO, CA—A new report published this week by researchers at Stanford University suggests that Americans spend the vast majority of each day staring at, interacting with, and deriving satisfaction from glowing...

Awful Man Offers Witty, Acerbic Take On Everything He Sees

issue 4525 | 06.20.09 | News

ROCKVILLE, MD—According to friends of the modern-day Oscar Wilde, Alan Bower has a knack for sucking every last bit of genuine enjoyment out of... more»
Investigators Determine Air France Disaster Caused By Plane Crash

issue 4525 | 06.19.09 | News

PARIS—The shocking discovery, announced during a press conference Friday, finally sheds light on what took place in the early hours of June 1,... more»
Obama Announces Plans To Run For McCain's Senate Seat In 2010

issue 4525 | 06.16.09 | News

PHOENIX—"Together, we can meet the challenges we face. Together, we can send a message to Washington, and together, we can beat John McCain,"... more»
Single Diner In Empty Restaurant Asked To Move To Smaller Table

issue 4525 | 06.16.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Citing the upcoming lunch rush, Golden Griddle waitress Kathy Perry interrupted Derek Whamey's meal Monday to ask him—one... more»
Film About Little Guy Battling Huge, Morally Bankrupt Organization Made By Huge, Morally Bankrupt Organization

issue 4525 | 06.15.09 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—A new motion picture about a resilient underdog who somehow finds the courage to take on a giant, faceless corporation was... more»
Kobe Bryant Proves He Can Win Championship With Luke Walton On Team

issue 4525 | 06.18.09 | Sports News

ORLANDO, FL—With the Lakers' 99-86 victory over the Magic in Game 5 of the NBA Finals, shooting guard Kobe Bryant silenced critics Sunday,... more»
Robert Pattinson Hit By Taxicab

issue 4525 | 06.20.09 | American Voices

Harry Potter and Twilight star Robert Pattinson was hit by a cab while trying to avoid fans in New York City. What do you... more»
Benefits Extended To Federal Employees’ Domestic Partners

issue 4525 | 06.19.09 | American Voices

President Obama signed a memo that expanded benefits to domestic partners of federal employees, including same-sex couples. What do you... more»
Human Trafficking On The Rise

issue 4525 | 06.18.09 | American Voices

The global recession has led to an increase in the number of people victimized by forced labor and sex slavery. What do you think? more»
Letterman Apologizes To Palin

issue 4525 | 06.17.09 | American Voices

Talk show host David Letterman apologized to Alaska governor Sarah Palin for insinuating her daughter was impregnated at a New York Yankees game.... more»
Vaccine Rejectors Put Kids At Risk

issue 4525 | 06.16.09 | American Voices

Though children who go unvaccinated for whooping cough are 23 times more likely to contract the illness than those who get their shots, many... more»
Mountain Dew's New 'World Of Warcraft' Beverages

issue 4525 | 06.15.09 | American Voices

Mountain Dew has released World Of Warcraft–branded "game fuel" in Horde Red and Alliance Blue. What do you think? more»
Wal-Mart To Employ 80,000 Iraq War Veterans As Greeters

issue 4525 | 06.20.09 | Radio
Brilliant Scientist Trying To Get Word Out About Penis-Enlargement Breakthrough

issue 4525 | 06.19.09 | Radio
Recession Forces U.S. To Dip Into Guam

issue 4525 | 06.18.09 | Radio
Camp Counselors Arrive Early For 2 Weeks Of Sex

issue 4525 | 06.17.09 | Radio
President Obama Takes Ride In FDR's Wheelchair

issue 4525 | 06.16.09 | Radio
Santa Fe Terminator Franchise Releases Southwestern Version Of Film

issue 4525 | 06.15.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - June 15, 2009

issue 4525 | 06.15.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Dye Pack Foils Art Thief

issue 4525 | 06.16.09 | News In Photos
Kung Fudge! We Lost Another Great Actor!

issue 4525 | 06.18.09 | Columnists

Item! It always breaks my heart to be the one to deliver news like this, but Kung Fu and Shane: The Series star... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Duh…I'm Stupid! vs. No! That's Not Me!

issue 4525 | 06.16.09 | Point-Counterpoint

Hey, everybody! I'm Rick Mahoney and I am so stupid. I'm the dumbest person on the planet. Durr, durrr, my brain is so tiny and small, I... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4525 | 06.16.09 | Horoscopes
Kim Jong Il's Successor

issue 4525 | 06.16.09 | Infographic

North Korean president Kim Jong Il recently named his 25-year-old son Kim Jong Un as the nation's next leader. What qualifications does... more»
How Are We Beating The Heat?

issue 4525 | 06.17.09 | Statshot
U.S. To Trade Gold Reserves For Cash Through Cash4Gold.com

issue 4525 | 06.19.09 | Video

Treasury officials say the gold has just been in the bottom of some vaults at the US Bullion Depository anyway, and the government needs the money... more»
Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg

issue 4525 | 06.15.09 | Video

After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson's trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4525 | 06.14.09 | Slideshow
Our Annual Incongruous Words And Images Issue

issue 4525 | 06.18.09 | Sunday Magazine
Scottie Pippen Inexplicably Celebrating With Lakers

issue 4525 | 06.18.09 | Photo Finish
Dog Bites Man, Repeatedly, Until Man Dies

issue 4525 | 06.17.09 | Newswire
Iranian Democracy Sound, Supreme Leader Reports

issue 4525 | 06.15.09 | Newswire
Naughty EpiPen Reveals Naked Lady When Injected

issue 4525 | 06.15.09 | Newswire