Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 18, 2009 - July 24, 2009 | Issue 45•29

7 Million People Direct Descendants Of Single Smooth-Talking Ancestor

BALTIMORE—Geneticists at the Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that an estimated seven million people worldwide carry a distinctive genetic marker linking them to a single smooth-talking common...

Grandmother Classifies 79% Of Everything A Shame

issue 4529 | 07.18.09 | News

SANDUSKY, OH—While most things to Gertrude Wharton are simply "a shame," other, more intense degrees include "a real shame," "a crying shame,"... more»
Wow Factor Added To Corporate Presentation

issue 4529 | 07.17.09 | News

CHARLOTTE, NC—Sources confirmed that the wow factor—an intangible set of viscerally pleasing features that instill onlookers with a feeling... more»
Nation Descends Into Chaos As Throat Infection Throws Off Obama's Cadence

issue 4529 | 07.14.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"Run for your lives! The president no longer has a masterful yet unpretentious command of the English language," cried citizens from... more»
Disillusioned FBI Launches Nationwide Hunt For Some Kind Of Truth

issue 4529 | 07.13.09 | News

WASHINGTON—Nearly 8,000 federal agents have been mobilized to search for the amorphous concept, with several units being deployed to watch the... more»
New Boyfriend Charming Pants Off Baskin-Robbins Staff

issue 4529 | 07.17.09 | News In Brief

OAKWOOD, GA—After claiming he's so full from lunch he couldn't possibly eat more than a couple of sprinkles, Kevin Warner, who is on... more»
Area Mom Adds Ankle Weights To Already Bizarre Workout Routine

issue 4529 | 07.16.09 | News In Brief

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Area mother Janet Cosgrove, 59, has apparently added ankle weights to her already weird fitness regimen, 30-year-old... more»
Man At Bar Clinging To Muted 'King Of Queens' Episode Like Life Preserver

issue 4529 | 07.15.09 | News In Brief

DENVER, CO—Like a desperate shipwreck survivor clutching at flotsam in the North Atlantic, area bar patron Kyle Whaley kept his eyes... more»
Researchers Quietly Chuckling At Placebo Group

issue 4529 | 07.14.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Researchers at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine were hardly able to stifle their laughter Tuesday while administering a... more»
Pet Owner Not Bothering To Neuter Loser Cat

issue 4529 | 07.13.09 | News In Brief

CORAL SPRINGS, FL—Mike Oakland, 29, told reporters Monday he is not about to pay $100 to have his 5-month-old cat, Mowgli, neutered,... more»
Sports Going Through Slump

issue 4529 | 07.16.09 | Sports News

NEW YORK—With its confidence fading, its fans dissatisfied, and without a notable success since the Stanley Cup finals, sports is officially... more»
Plan B To Be Available As Generic

issue 4529 | 07.17.09 | American Voices

A generic version of Plan B, also known as the morning-after pill, was approved by the FDA and will be available in August. What do you... more»
Census To Count Gay Marriages

issue 4529 | 07.16.09 | American Voices

In a reversal of Bush administration policy, the 2010 census will recognize gay marriages. What do you think? more»
Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide

issue 4529 | 07.15.09 | American Voices

The Food and Drug Administration ordered "black box" warnings be placed on two popular smoking-cessation drugs after numerous reports from users of... more»
Studies Show Alternative Medicine Ineffective

issue 4529 | 07.14.09 | American Voices

After spending $2.5 billion, the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine has found that most alternative medicine... more»
'Brüno' A Success

issue 4529 | 07.13.09 | American Voices

Brüno, the new film from Sacha Baron Cohen, screened this weekend to critical and box office success. What do you think? more»
Fight On Top Of Moving Train Not Looking Good For Area Villain

issue 4529 | 07.18.09 | Radio
God Recalls Tracheas Of Millions Of Indonesians

issue 4529 | 07.17.09 | Radio
Dow Rallies After Escaped Chimpanzee Rings Opening Bell

issue 4529 | 07.16.09 | Radio
Progressive Congressman Promotes Bill In 7/8 Time

issue 4529 | 07.15.09 | Radio
Prematurely Born-Again Christian Suffers Complications

issue 4529 | 07.14.09 | Radio
Neighbor Asked To Keep Glass-Shattering Down

issue 4529 | 07.13.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - July 13, 2009

issue 4529 | 07.13.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Crane Operator Likes To Start Day With A Quick 360

issue 4529 | 07.18.09 | News In Photos
Jason Statham Beats Wedding Planner To Death In New Romantic Comedy

issue 4529 | 07.14.09 | News In Photos
My New Saga Is Totally Like Yngvar's Saga Meets Gautek's Saga

issue 4529 | 07.16.09 | Commentary

Hearken! Fair was the morning and bright the day when I first noticed that the saga of Gylfy Halfdane—that's me, Gylfy, "The Gylf" to... more»
Oh, Dear God, What Are You People Doing To Me?

issue 4529 | 07.14.09 | Commentary

Damnable fate! What is this horrid anguish that fills my being? Not an hour ago I was finely formed, a measure shaped from noble intent. But... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4529 | 07.14.09 | Horoscopes
World's Oldest Musical Instrument Discovered

issue 4529 | 07.14.09 | Infographic

Last month, the journal Nature reported that archaeologists had discovered the world's oldest known musical instrument, a... more»
How Are We Quitting Smoking?

issue 4529 | 07.15.09 | Statshot
Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa

issue 4529 | 07.16.09 | Video

Jim and Tracy learn that in nations like Sierra Leone children as young as 12 are forced to smile, wave, and shake hands until they drop from... more»
Obama Axes Pentagon Plan To Build Billion Dollar Tank In Shape Of Dragon

issue 4529 | 07.13.09 | Video

Supporters of the Pentagon's Dragon Tank urge Obama to reconsider the fearsome power of titanium nostrils mounted with long-range flamethrowers. more»
How Do Drugs Cross The Border?

issue 4529 | 10.21.09 | Slideshow
Zac Efron Lets Us Tussle His Hair Or He Doesn't Get Paid

issue 4529 | 07.16.09 | Sunday Magazine
'SportsCenter' Takes A Little Too Close Of A Look At Play

issue 4529 | 07.16.09 | Photo Finish
Powerful Business Men Express Interest

issue 4529 | 07.19.09 | Newswire
Most, Last Trusted Man In America Dies

issue 4529 | 07.18.09 | Newswire
Man Who Hasn’t Left House In Days Peruses 'Missed Connections'

issue 4529 | 07.17.09 | Newswire
Day At Pool Ruined By Guy Trying To Swim Laps

issue 4529 | 07.15.09 | Newswire
Ice Cream Eaten To Quench Thirst

issue 4529 | 07.14.09 | Newswire