Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 27, 2009 - August 2, 2009 | Issue 45•30

Area Man Uninterested In Creating A Better Community Even Though This May Benefit Him In The Long Run

PEORIA, IL—A local coffee shop employee exhibited no interest in contributing to the betterment of his community Monday, even though such a contribution would, in the long term,...

China Strong

issue 4530 | 07.27.09 | News

Following approved article contains: Report on strength and might of China; Report on force and vigor of China; Report on how China will... more»
American Consumer Masses Agree: It Fish Time!

issue 4530 | 07.27.09 | News

Following approved article contains: Report on big hot trend sweeping the palates of American consumers; Evidence of deliciousness and ease... more»
Nothing At All Happens To 28 Tibetan Protesters, Their Families

issue 4530 | 07.27.09 | News

YANTAI, CHINA—In a non-news event, which did not occur and therefore warrants no coverage, nothing happened to 28 Tibetan protesters and... more»
Potato-Faced Youngster Lauded For Memorizing Primitive 26-Character Alphabet

issue 4530 | 07.27.09 | News

Following approved article contains: Confounding celebration of dim-witted child's miniscule achievement; Evidence of great failure that is... more»
Grandfather Disrespected In Own Home

issue 4530 | 07.22.09 | News

Following approved article contains: Facts about importance of filial piety; Lessons to be dutifully gleaned from parable of Shanzi; Woeful... more»
Internet Adds 12th Website

issue 4530 | 07.21.09 | News

Following approved article contains: Accurate report on addition of Seedstore.com to the World Wide Web; Emphasis on China’s commitment... more»
Three Dozen Confirmed *@@## In Power Plant *@@##

issue 4530 | 07.25.09 | News In Brief

*@@## PROVINCE—Emergency and rescue *@@## reported to the scene of a most *@@## early *@@## morning, pulling several *@@## bodies from... more»
Toddler Chokes To Death On Plastic Taiwanese-Made Toy

issue 4530 | 07.23.09 | News In Brief

NASHVILLE, TN—Ryan Caldwell, a beautiful, innocent 4-year-old child, no doubt the very future of the Caldwell family and a promising... more»
Report: Majority Of Americans Proficient At Owing Large Sums Of Money

issue 4530 | 07.22.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—A new report has revealed that when it comes to the important matter of owing large sums of money, Americans display a level... more»
Intellectual Property Rights As Fleeting As The Scent Of Jasmine, Mayfly's Wing In Autumn

issue 4530 | 07.22.09 | News In Brief

BEIJING—Settling not on the industrious sons of China, nor on their ware-covered blankets, ownership rights of intellectual property... more»
U.S. Hunger For Fish Byproducts Not As Strong As First Imagined

issue 4530 | 07.21.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Despite every indication that such a move would bring with it glorious success, and that only triumph could come from... more»
Collapsed Mine Used As Excuse To Stall Coal Extraction

issue 4530 | 07.21.09 | News In Brief

CASSVILLE, WV—Although rescue workers have cleared a path wide enough for coal to be extracted through, and miners trapped inside are not... more»
Internal Weakness Openly Shared With Coworkers

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | News In Brief

TUSKEGEE, AL—Though the information would in no way serve to improve his standing with his superiors, and, in all likelihood, would... more»
Pristine Shipment Of Fish Product Contaminated By Filthy U.S. Inspectors

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | News In Brief

LONG BEACH, CA—According to retail analysts, a perfectly clean and healthy shipment of Tinned Fish Product, newly arrived from the shores... more»
Weakling President Asks Imaginary Man In Sky To Bless Nation

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In a display of weakness unbecoming a head of state, President Barack Obama concluded remarks to the nation Tuesday by asking... more»
U.S. Falls Short Of Success

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the United States has once again failed to be successful this week. It is widely believed that the U.S.,... more»
Nation Exhibits Strange Preoccupation With Manner In Which Food Is Processed

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—For reasons too difficult to comprehend, the unnecessarily fretful and anxious nation of United States continues its odd... more»
Paul Reiser, Benevolent Possessor Of Many American Hearts, Looking To Direct

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Paul Reiser, situation comedy megastar, celebrity legend, and beloved creator of laughter, brought much joy to his tens... more»
Yao Ming!

issue 4530 | 07.24.09 | Sports News

EARTH—The entire world population confirmed Friday that Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is the greatest athlete in the history of sports and... more»
Bad Lab Results Often Unreported

issue 4530 | 07.24.09 | American Voices

A review of more than 5,000 medical records from doctors' offices across the nation revealed that bad test results were not reported to patients 7... more»
Computer Injuries Sharply Increase

issue 4530 | 07.23.09 | American Voices

Between 1994 and 2006, acute injuries from computers have risen 800 percent. What do you think? more»
Dairy Cattle Slaughtered During Record Surplus

issue 4530 | 07.22.09 | American Voices

In light of a glut of milk, the National Milk Producers Federation is paying dairies to slaughter 103,000 cows. What do you think? more»
Whitney Houston To Release Comeback Album

issue 4530 | 07.21.09 | American Voices

Arista Records announced that in September pop diva Whitney Houston, singer of the song "I Will Always Love You," will release her first album of... more»
President's 100th Birthday To Be Recognized

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | American Voices

President Barack Obama signed a bill that established a panel to commemorate Ronald Reagan's 100th birthday on June 6, 2011. What do you... more»
Tennessee Unemployment Hits 10.7%

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | American Voices

The unemployment rate for the American state of Tennessee reached its highest point in 26 years. What do you think? more»
One In 3 Ticks Carry Lyme Disease

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | American Voices

A survey of deer ticks in Minnesota revealed that about a third of them carried Lyme disease. What do you think? more»
Michael Jackson Dead

issue 4530 | 06.26.09 | American Voices

Singer Michael Jackson died yesterday at 50. What do you think? more»
Furniture Store Owner Assumed His Family Would Be In Commercials For Free

issue 4530 | 07.25.09 | Radio
Water Park Promises More Fun Than Water Is Capable Of Delivering

issue 4530 | 07.24.09 | Radio
No U.S. Military Leader Is Worthy To Be Namesake Of Breaded Chicken Dish

issue 4530 | 07.23.09 | Radio
Marriage Of 2 Celebrities To Bring Prosperity To Both Families

issue 4530 | 07.22.09 | Radio
Bumbling Employee Brings Shame To Entire Long John Silver's Family

issue 4530 | 07.21.09 | Radio
Ping-Pong Champion Credits Victory To Diet Of Nutritious Fish By-Products

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Radio
Workers Protest Over-Ventilation Of U.S. Factories

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Radio
San Diego Zoo Acquires Chinese Man

issue 4530 | 07.20.07 | Radio
Chinese Woman Gives Birth To Septuplets, Has One Week To Choose

issue 4530 | 07.20.07 | Radio
Freakish Newborn Is Half-Chinese, Half-American

issue 4530 | 07.20.07 | Radio
Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

issue 4530 | 07.20.07 | Radio
Local Father Fails To Forceably Refold Map

issue 4530 | 07.20.07 | Radio
Traveler Excited Hotel Has HBO Until He Checks Listing

issue 4530 | 07.20.07 | Radio
Disney Family Vacation Ruined By Walt Disney Company

issue 4530 | 07.20.07 | Radio
Acid Trip Was Better Planned Than Vacation

issue 4530 | 07.20.07 | Radio
United Nation Condemns American Tourist Traps As Inhumane

issue 4530 | 07.20.07 | Radio
Dullards To Visit Cancun

issue 4530 | 07.20.07 | Radio
Inner Cities Receive Soothing Heroin

issue 4530 | 07.10.07 | Radio
Morgan Spurlock's Experiment To Try Heroin Enters 200th Day

issue 4530 | 07.10.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - July 20, 2009

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Editorial Cartoon
"I Am Equal To Any Man," Says Stern Woman Who Likely Does Not Menstruate

issue 4530 | 07.25.09 | News In Photos
Clear American Sky A Constant Reminder Of Industrial Inferiority

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | News In Photos
Why Did No One Inform Us Of The Imminent Death Of The American Newspaper Industry?

issue 4530 | 07.24.09 | Commentary

Just two scant weeks ago, Yu Wan Mei was ebullient with anticipation of inescapable success upon acquiring the Onion newspaper! To think that... more»
The Internet Allows For A Free Exchange Of Unmitigated Information

issue 4530 | 07.23.09 | Commentary
Know Any Good State Secrets?

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Commentary

Hello, friends! Are you also having a good time today being an American? I am. I almost cannot wait to do it again tomorrow! Say, I've been... more»
American Children Like Me Are Lazy And Insolent And Must Try Harder

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Commentary

Hello, reader! I am a young boy from the United States named Jimmy McDonalds, and like most other American children such as me it seems there... more»
I Guess I'm Sort Of Like The 'Dad' Of This Family

issue 4530 | 07.07.09 | Commentary

Man, do I get a kick out of these kids. Take Scott, for instance. He's got one hell of a throwing arm. Burns 'em right into the glove.... more»
Well, I've Sold The Paper To The Chinese

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Columnists

As the longtime publisher of this news-paper, it is my duty and unrestrained pleasure to announce to you spittle-soaked readers that I have... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4530 | 07.22.09 | Horoscopes
The Following Are Examples Of American Weakness

issue 4530 | 07.22.09 | Infographic
How Can We Be More Productive To Society?

issue 4530 | 07.22.09 | Statshot
Police Still Searching For Missing Productive, Obedient Woman

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Video

Friends and family are hoping for the return of missing woman Rachel Emmich, who they say is strong of body and never lazy or indolent. more»
Comedians

issue 4530 | 07.28.09 | Slideshow
Compelling Yet Graceful Yu Wan Mei Promotional Advertising

issue 4530 | 07.23.09 | Slideshow
Hot New Consumer Products

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Slideshow
The Sino-American Space Race

issue 4530 | 07.22.09 | Sunday Magazine
Chinese Taipei Pitcher Chien-Ming Wang: Should He Be Killed?

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Photo Finish
Car Accident Leaves Man Inefficient From The Neck Down

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Newswire
Realm Of Wind And Ghosts Designated For Urban Development

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Newswire
U.S. Genitals: Why Are They Not Being Shocked More Often?

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Newswire
Disgusting U.S. Citizen Allows Saliva To Collect In Mouth

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Newswire
Idea Man Just Had Now Belongs To All

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Newswire
Selfish Couple Lives In Studio Apartment Large Enough For 34

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Newswire
China Unified

issue 4530 | 07.20.09 | Newswire
Reading Transports Man To Magical World Of Setting Up Printer

issue 4530 | 07.08.09 | Newswire
Last Piece Of Michael Jackson Dies

issue 4530 | 06.25.09 | Newswire