Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 1, 2009 - August 7, 2009 | Issue 45•31

Study: Abstinence-Only Lunch Programs Ineffective At Combating Teen Obesity

WASHINGTON—According to the findings of a recent Department of Health and Human Services study, school lunch programs that teach children to avoid all contact with food may not...

Man Running After Bus Delights Bus Occupants

issue 4531 | 08.01.09 | News

CLEVELAND—Among the factors that contributed to the overall feeling of joy among those lucky enough to witness the spectacle, was the fact that... more»
Recent Rise In International Disputes Traced Back To Cute U.N. Tour Guide

issue 4531 | 07.31.09 | News

NEW YORK—"She was...wow," Saudi delegate Ahmad Khouri said. "The first time I saw her, I was in the middle of speaking out on the deplorable... more»
Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers

issue 4531 | 07.28.09 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—“Not only does it look awesome, but it can do pretty much anything you want as long as you believe in it,” said Paul Conrad,... more»
Cambridge Cop Accidentally Arrests Henry Louis Gates Again During White House Meeting

issue 4531 | 07.31.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Upon arriving late to his meeting with President Barack Obama and famed African-American intellectual Henry Louis Gates, Cambridge... more»
Man At Bar Has Incredibly Complicated Reason For Why He Enjoys Rolling Rock

issue 4531 | 07.31.09 | News In Brief

IDAHO FALLS, ID—Misinterpreting a bartender's raised eyebrow as an unspoken question, Kenny's Bar patron Neil Plottman delivered a... more»
Pentagon Loses Hard Drive With All The Movies On It

issue 4531 | 07.30.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In what they described as one of the U.S. military's "most serious" security breaches to date, Pentagon officials... more»
Area Couple Not Sure If Sex Was Tantric

issue 4531 | 07.29.09 | News In Brief

SCARSDALE, NY—Following two hours of stilted, uncomfortable intercourse in which the couple started and stopped at various times, Jeff... more»
Softball Team Unsure Of How To Console Jackass Captain Who Just Struck Out

issue 4531 | 07.28.09 | News In Brief

MILWAUKEE—After team captain Steven Tompsen started yelling and threw a bat at the fence, teammates of the 32-year-old sales manager... more»
Terrier Bravely Defends Family From Squeak

issue 4531 | 07.27.09 | News In Brief

VANDERBILT, PA—Jasper, a 3-year-old short-legged terrier, gallantly defended the Henry household from a brief, high-pitched squeak... more»
Lance Armstrong Inspires Thousands To Come In Third To Cancer

issue 4531 | 07.30.09 | Sports News

PARIS—Cancer survivor Lance Armstrong's inspirational third-place Tour de France finish has motivated thousands of patients battling cancer... more»
Apple To Rescue Album Sales

issue 4531 | 07.31.09 | American Voices

Working in conjunction with four major music labels, Apple plans to bundle the digital albums it sells with interactive booklets that include liner... more»
Obama Meets With Gates, Arresting Officer

issue 4531 | 07.30.09 | American Voices

President Obama is holding a meeting with Harvard law professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Cambridge police sergeant James Crowley today in order... more»
New Home Sales Up 11%

issue 4531 | 07.29.09 | American Voices

Sales of new homes jumped 11 percent to their highest point this year. What do you think? more»
Palin Abdicates Gubernatorial Seat

issue 4531 | 07.28.09 | American Voices

Alaska governor Sarah Palin turned over executive control of the state to Sean Parnell, saying that if she served a lame duck year in the office,... more»
U.S. May Have Killed Bin Laden's Son

issue 4531 | 07.27.09 | American Voices

A U.S. airstrike in Pakistan may have killed Saad bin Laden, the son of terrorist Osama bin Laden. What do you think? more»
Nervous Afghan Thinks Every American With Fake Beard Works For CIA

issue 4531 | 08.02.09 | Radio
Tropical Storm Brings Deadly Cloud Of Worthless Knickknacks Up The East Coast

issue 4531 | 08.01.09 | Radio
Last Mozzarella Stick Sacrificed In Herculean Display Of Good Manners

issue 4531 | 07.31.09 | Radio
Area Man Called 'A Total Weirdo' About Protecting His Family

issue 4531 | 07.31.09 | Radio
Area Volcano Erupts Into Cup For Seismologist

issue 4531 | 07.30.09 | Radio
Daredevil Cutup To Attempt 5-Story Pratfall

issue 4531 | 07.29.09 | Radio
U.S.-Owned General Motors Produces Pelosi-Boehner Hatchback

issue 4531 | 07.28.09 | Radio
Space Suit Still Smells Like Wet Astronaut

issue 4531 | 07.27.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - July 27, 2009

issue 4531 | 07.27.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Ivy-Covered Home Like That On Inside Too

issue 4531 | 08.01.09 | News In Photos
Joe Walsh Executed To Keep 'Eagles Greatest Hits' Sales Ahead Of 'Thriller'

issue 4531 | 07.28.09 | News In Photos
So This Is A Panic Attack, Eh?

issue 4531 | 07.30.09 | Commentary

Hmmm. Something seems to be happening. I'm definitely noticing a quickening of the breath, a pounding of the heart, racing thoughts, and I... more»
Hollywood Is A Cruel, Lonely Place For Actors Who Can Only Play Clumsy Italian Waiters

issue 4531 | 07.28.09 | Commentary

When you've been in show business as long as I have, you learn a thing or two about the ins and outs of old Tinseltown. And let me tell you,... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4531 | 07.28.09 | Horoscopes
A Dreamliner Deferred

issue 4531 | 07.29.09 | Infographic

Though it was scheduled to take its first flight last month, the 300-plus passenger Boeing 787 Dreamliner aircraft has hit several costly... more»
What Are We Bringing To The Beach?

issue 4531 | 07.29.09 | Statshot
Congresswoman Says Botched Plastic Surgery Most Important Issue Facing U.S.

issue 4531 | 07.30.09 | Video

Rep. Lynn Merriweather says bill will protect the millions of Americans who just want to appear as young as they feel on the inside, that's all. more»
Evander Holyfield To Box Horse For Heavyweight Title

issue 4531 | 07.27.09 | Video

Boxing officials are hoping the once in a lifetime chance to see Holyfield try to take down thoroughbred Evening Dream will reignite interest in... more»
The Onion On Breast Cancer

issue 4531 | 07.31.09 | Sunday Magazine

Is It Tasteful To Have A Cover Photo Of A Woman Performing A Breast Self-Exam With A World Map Superimposed On Her Body As A Metaphor For Breast... more»
Hot Dog Vendor Clearly Lost

issue 4531 | 07.30.09 | Photo Finish
Obstetrician Hustler Acting Like He's Never Performed Tubal Ligation In His Life

issue 4531 | 08.02.09 | Newswire
Giving Fake Name At Jamba Juice Local Man's Own Little 'Fuck You' To The World

issue 4531 | 07.31.09 | Newswire
Box Of Excedrin Has Recipe For Excedrin Muffins On Back

issue 4531 | 07.29.09 | Newswire
Looks Like Area Woman Carrying Heavy Thing Has It Under Control

issue 4531 | 07.27.09 | Newswire