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August 8, 2009 - August 14, 2009 | Issue 45•32

Sanyo Praying Area Man Doesn't Send In Rebate Form

OSAKA, JAPAN—Following Dayton, OH resident David Cinelli's purchase of a CLT-A230M cordless phone from his local Best Buy, electronics manufacturer Sanyo was plunged into chaos...

Area Man Spends Summer Having Wallet Stolen Across Europe

issue 4532 | 08.08.09 | News

DECATUR, IL—Marcus Hayes, 22, even managed to learn a few helpful phrases throughout his travels, including the Dutch terms for "Please leave... more»
Legion Of Terra-Cotta Mouseketeers Found Beneath Disney World

issue 4532 | 08.07.09 | News

ORLANDO, FL—According to photographs surfacing from the dig site, the Mouseketeers are arranged according to rank and appear to be marching or... more»
Solitary Crow On Fence Post Portending Doom, Analysts Warn

issue 4532 | 08.05.09 | News

GREELEY, NE—Despite the deployment of a $14 billion crow task force to monitor the bird, the sudden snapping of a twig, coupled with the... more»
Area Man Uses 'Big Buck Hunter' Score To Determine Ability To Drive Home

issue 4532 | 08.07.09 | News In Brief

FAIRFIELD, IN—After spending five hours at Dunn's Irish Pub on Wednesday night, Michael Sampson, 31, was overheard citing his Big... more»
Criss Angel's Nephew Forced To Sit Through Another Lame Mindfreak

issue 4532 | 08.06.09 | News In Brief

EAST MEADOW, NY—Sixteen-year-old Jake Howell groaned and rolled his eyes Monday evening as he was subjected to another embarrassing... more»
Biden Invokes Freedom Of Information Act To Find Out When Woman Gets Off Work

issue 4532 | 08.05.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Evoking the law that assures citizens access to government records, Vice President Joe Biden made a Freedom of Information... more»
Rapper Not Entirely Sure Who Else Is On This Track

issue 4532 | 08.04.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—During a recording session last Tuesday, rapper Dwayne "Lil Wayne" Carter appeared uncertain as to who else was being featured... more»
Report: 89% Of Suzy Qs Never Make It Out Of Gas Station Parking Lots

issue 4532 | 08.03.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a Commerce Department report released Friday, nearly nine out of every 10 Hostess Suzy Qs—the... more»
Blue Jays GM Confirms There Never Really Was A 'Roy Halladay'

issue 4532 | 08.06.09 | Sports News

TORONTO—Responding to criticism that the team should have done more to deal star pitcher Roy Halladay by the trade deadline, Blue Jays... more»
Plague In China

issue 4532 | 08.07.09 | American Voices

Ziketan, a farming town of 10,000 in the Qinghai province of China, has been locked down in an attempt to prevent the spread of pneumonic plague.... more»
'Cash For Clunkers' Broke

issue 4532 | 08.06.09 | American Voices

Less than a month after it began, the federal "Cash for Clunkers" program—which provides owners of older vehicles with a $4,500 credit toward the... more»
College Grad Suing Alma Mater

issue 4532 | 08.05.09 | American Voices

Trina Thompson, 27, is suing New York's Monroe College for $72,000 because she has not landed a job three months after graduating with a 2.7 grade... more»
Researchers Find New Strain Of HIV

issue 4532 | 08.04.09 | American Voices

Scientists recently discovered a new strain of HIV that originated in gorillas but is now infecting humans. What do you think? more»
Blue Food Dye Helps Spinal Injuries

issue 4532 | 08.03.09 | American Voices

Researchers have found that the blue food dye found in M&Ms and Gatorade may help new spinal injuries heal. What do you think? more»
Lost Ukrainian Kills At Open-Mic Night

issue 4532 | 08.09.09 | Radio
Spelling Bee Winner Fails To Spell Way Out Of Schoolyard Beating

issue 4532 | 08.08.09 | Radio
Viking God Odin Down To Last 4 Worshipers

issue 4532 | 08.07.09 | Radio
Butterfly Fails To Alter Course Of Human History

issue 4532 | 08.06.09 | Radio
Crash Test Dummy Steers Around Wall, Drives To Freedom

issue 4532 | 08.05.09 | Radio
North Korea Unprepared For Missile Attack On North Korea

issue 4532 | 08.04.09 | Radio
Lifetime Of Sleeping, Eating, Breathing Finally Catches Up To Area Man

issue 4532 | 08.03.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - August 3, 2009

issue 4532 | 08.03.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Smoke Rings Delighting Newborn

issue 4532 | 08.08.09 | News In Photos
Megan Fox Daydreaming About Megan Fox Naked

issue 4532 | 08.04.09 | News In Photos
We've Got Some Great News For Those Employees Who Hate Our 401(k) Matching Program

issue 4532 | 08.06.09 | Commentary

Here at Lowell's Cleaning Services, our greatest asset is our employees. We're always striving to make our company stronger, and we try to... more»
The Divorce Was Unfortunate, But I'm Glad We Handled It Like Total Animals

issue 4532 | 08.04.09 | Commentary

I can't believe it's really over. Twenty-three years of marriage, done. Signed away with a couple of forms. We used to be so in love. What... more»
New York Fighting Homelessness

issue 4532 | 08.04.09 | Infographic

New York City is currently offering its homeless a one-way flight to a city where they have relatives with whom they can stay. What else is... more»
What Are We Angrily Shaking Our Fists At?

issue 4532 | 08.05.09 | Statshot
Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive

issue 4532 | 08.06.09 | Video

Child safety expert and ex-pedophile Terry Parker drops in on the morning show to share some insider tips from his years spent as a sex offender! more»
U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

issue 4532 | 08.04.09 | Video

Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for the U.S. economy. more»
Michael Jackson's Mysterious Death: Could Weird Al's Cruel Parody 'Eat It' Be To Blame?

issue 4532 | 08.06.09 | Sunday Magazine
Shattered World Records Credited To New Swimsuits

issue 4532 | 08.06.09 | Photo Finish
Woman Bends Over Forward To Please Husband

issue 4532 | 08.09.09 | Newswire
Roommate Blissfully Unaware Every One Of His Bathroom Items Has Been Accidentally Knocked Into Toilet

issue 4532 | 08.07.09 | Newswire
GOP Warns Healthcare Bill Would Only Inflate Costs of Defeating Obama in 2012

issue 4532 | 08.05.09 | Newswire
Static Electricity Harnessed By Jerk

issue 4532 | 08.05.09 | Newswire
'Someone Call Barry!' Exclaims Man Who Knows 911 Operator's Name

issue 4532 | 08.03.09 | Newswire