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August 15, 2009 - August 21, 2009 | Issue 45•33

Sci-Fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To 'Quantum Flux'

ROLLA, MO—A reading of Gabriel Fournier's The Eclipse Of Infinity reveals that the new science-fiction novel makes more than 80 separate references to "quantum flux," a...

Mom Has Some Wild New Ideas For Dressing Son This Year

issue 4533 | 08.15.09 | News

TIGARD, OR—"Well, you know how boys are," said Karen Dougherty, as she carefully hemmed the cuffs on a pair of baby-blue corduroys. "If Michael... more»
Pantene Markets New Shampoo As Best For Masturbating Boyfriend In Shower

issue 4533 | 08.14.09 | News

CINCINNATI—"If you have difficult-to-manage hair and a two-hander to contend with, Pantene Pro V2 has got you covered," said spokeswoman Karen... more»
Congress Beginning To Suspect Senator Mark Warner Might Be Homeless

issue 4533 | 08.12.09 | News

WASHINGTON—Warner's recent habit of introducing legislation written out on large pieces of brown cardboard only furthers speculation that he... more»
Bounty, Brawny CEOs Wearing Down Patience Of Mutual Friend

issue 4533 | 08.14.09 | News In Brief

WEST PATTERSON, NJ—Though he has maintained a close friendship with both men for nearly a decade, Miles McCormick, 42, admitted Tuesday... more»
Ex-Wife, Divorce Lawyer Killed As Model Train Careens Off Tracks

issue 4533 | 08.13.09 | News In Brief

KOFSKY BASEMENT—In an accident that model train conductor Howard Kofsky called "a real goddamn shame," an 8-inch passenger car carrying... more»
Sotomayor To Add Ballistics Expertise To Already Deadly Supreme Court

issue 4533 | 08.12.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In addition to her extensive command of corporate law, intellectual property cases, and arbitration, Supreme Court Justice... more»
Teenage Rebels Seize Control Of Food Court's Corner Table

issue 4533 | 08.12.09 | News In Brief

HOLLAND, MI—According to mall personnel, a roving gang of 15-year-old rebels captured a corner table at the Woodland Mall food court... more»
Area Man Has No Idea How To Get Copy Of Birth Certificate

issue 4533 | 08.11.09 | News In Brief

AKRON, OH—Michael Stills, 25, told reporters Friday he had absolutely no idea how to obtain a copy of his birth certificate, a document... more»
Little Butterball Holding Up Ice Cream Line

issue 4533 | 08.10.09 | News In Brief

HARRISBURG, PA—According to witnesses who are sweating their nuts off, the line at the Baskin-Robbins is currently 12 people deep, thanks... more»
Still-Rattled Padraig Harrington Wears Golf Shoes To Airport, Gets On Wrong Flight, Forgets Name

issue 4533 | 08.13.09 | Sports News

PAPILLION, NE—Four days after a disappointing final round at the Bridgestone Invitational, during which he gave up a three-shot lead to... more»
Would-Be Ford Assassin Released

issue 4533 | 08.14.09 | American Voices

After 34 years in prison, former Manson family member Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme was released from prison today. What do you think? more»
Cost To Raise Child Exceeds $200,000

issue 4533 | 08.13.09 | American Voices

According to a report from the United States Department of Agriculture, it will cost a total of $221,190 to raise a child born in 2008. What do... more»
GM Selling Cars On eBay

issue 4533 | 08.12.09 | American Voices

In order to combat its sales slump, General Motors, in cooperation with about 225 dealerships, has begun selling cars on the auction website eBay.... more»
Kim Jong Il In Control Of North Korea

issue 4533 | 08.11.09 | American Voices

Despite speculation to the contrary, White House national security adviser James L. Jones said Sunday that North Korean president Kim Jong Il has... more»
John Hughes Dead

issue 4533 | 08.10.09 | American Voices

John Hughes, director of The Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller's Day Off, died suddenly at 59. What do you think? more»
Green Giant Celebrates Canning Of One Trillionth Pea

issue 4533 | 08.16.09 | Radio
International Star Registry Accidentally Renames Sun 'Margaret'

issue 4533 | 08.15.09 | Radio
Airport Security Pig Finds Concealed Truffles

issue 4533 | 08.14.09 | Radio
Craziest Thing In World Happens To Area Woman

issue 4533 | 08.13.09 | Radio
All Of Tuxedo's Pockets Contain Nestlé Crunch Bar

issue 4533 | 08.12.09 | Radio
County Officials Call Newborn's Exposure To Second-Rate Classical Music 'Child Abuse'

issue 4533 | 08.11.09 | Radio
Upscale Sharks Go Into Tasting Frenzy

issue 4533 | 08.10.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - August 10, 2009

issue 4533 | 08.10.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Larva Acting Like It Knows Everything About Chewing Leaves

issue 4533 | 08.15.09 | News In Photos
Mercedes Ruehl Reference Lost On All But Mercedes Ruehl

issue 4533 | 08.11.09 | News In Photos
I'm Sorry, But There Was Almost Nothing Else We Could Have Done

issue 4533 | 08.11.09 | Commentary

Please, sit down. I don't know how to say this, but I'm afraid your father didn't make it. I'm so sorry. I know nothing can make this tragic... more»
Moving On Up…To The Cheap Side!

issue 4533 | 08.13.09 | Columnists

Well, hello there, loyal readers. So good of you to drop by. Please, won't you step into the foyer? Or at least point to it and tell me where... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4533 | 08.11.09 | Horoscopes
News Corp. Losing Money

issue 4533 | 08.11.09 | Infographic

Last week, News Corp.—the parent company of Fox News, 20th Century Fox, the Fox broadcast network, the New York Post, and other media... more»
What Are We Putting In Layman's Terms?

issue 4533 | 08.12.09 | Statshot
Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women

issue 4533 | 08.13.09 | Video

Women Deserve Better says PETA abuses defenseless, simple-minded women by forcing them to remove their clothes and participate in humiliating... more»
Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

issue 4533 | 08.11.09 | Video

Web users who choose to move to the desolate village are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun. more»
Golf & Leisure

issue 4533 | 08.11.09 | Slideshow
Shinkento: The Hot New Number Puzzle Nobody Cares About

issue 4533 | 08.13.09 | Sunday Magazine
Tim Lincecum Removes Hat, Hair To Wipe Sweat Off Forehead

issue 4533 | 08.13.09 | Photo Finish
Affectionate Hair Tussle A Cover For Retrieving Paternity Test DNA

issue 4533 | 08.16.09 | Newswire
'All The Young Dudes' Played On Jukebox By All The Old Dudes

issue 4533 | 08.14.09 | Newswire
Man Mauled By Bear Lives To Tell About It For Three Minutes

issue 4533 | 08.12.09 | Newswire
Nice Camouflage Donned For Church

issue 4533 | 08.10.09 | Newswire