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August 22, 2009 - August 28, 2009 | Issue 45•34

Film Adaptation Of 'The Brothers Karamazov' Ends Where Most People Stop Reading Book

LOS ANGELES—Executives at Paramount Pictures announced Monday that production had finally wrapped on The Brothers Karamazov, a new film adaptation that concludes at the...

Area Man To Hang Out At McDonald's For 20 Minutes Until Lunch Menu Goes Up

issue 4534 | 08.22.09 | News

ERIE, PA—"The girl at the counter said I could still get breakfast if I wanted, but 10:40's too late for breakfast." said restaurant patron Don... more»
Study: 74% Of Children Tenting Out In Yard Don't Make It Through The Night

issue 4534 | 08.21.09 | News

WASHINGTON— Over two months the study documented nearly 18,345 ways in which children, who never suspected a thing until it was too late,... more»
Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care

issue 4534 | 08.18.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"It is our responsibility to put differences aside and focus on refusing Americans the health care they deserve," said House Speaker... more»
British Royal Family Concerned After Queen Elizabeth II Beheads 7 Tourists

issue 4534 | 08.21.09 | News In Brief

LONDON—Sources close to the British royal family confirmed Tuesday that relatives of Queen Elizabeth II have privately expressed feelings... more»
Chubby Jewish Boy Dreams Of One Day Being Next Apatow Muse

issue 4534 | 08.20.09 | News In Brief

EVANSTON, IL—Sources close to Arthur Meyer reported that the overweight Jewish teen hopes to someday inspire film producer Judd Apatow... more»
Newly Discovered Recordings Reveal Beatles Actually Terrible Group

issue 4534 | 08.19.09 | News In Brief

LONDON—Just days after the discovery of several previously unreleased Beatles recordings in the attic of Abbey Road Studios, fans and... more»
Kiss With Wife Pretty Good

issue 4534 | 08.18.09 | News In Brief

DENTON, TX—Forty-one-year-old printer repairman and husband Nils Holzer was shocked by the quality of a kiss he shared with his wife... more»
CNBC: 'Anyone Who Owns A Suit Can Come On Television'

issue 4534 | 08.17.09 | News In Brief

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Citing a need to provide quality programming 24 hours a day, CNBC has extended an invitation to anyone who owns a... more»
Lazy Nike Exec Pitches Commercial Where Usain Bolt Runs Away From Something

issue 4534 | 08.20.09 | Sports News

BEAVERTON, OR—The new campaign, which Nike advertising executive Paul Dewitt barely mustered the energy to title "Usain Bolt: Fast Guy," is... more»
Robert Novak Dead

issue 4534 | 08.20.09 | American Voices

Columnist Robert Novak, notable most recently for his role in the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame, died Tuesday. What do you think? more»
Marijuana Growers Linked To California Fire

issue 4534 | 08.19.09 | American Voices

A cooking fire started by marijuana growers linked to a Mexican cartel is said to be responsible for burning around 90,000 acres of the Los Padres... more»
Milwaukee Mayor Beaten With Pipe

issue 4534 | 08.18.09 | American Voices

While calling 911 to report an assault at the Wisconsin State Fair, Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett was attacked by a 20-year-old man wielding a metal... more»
Cheney To Slam Bush In New Book

issue 4534 | 08.17.09 | American Voices

In his forthcoming memoirs, former vice president Dick Cheney will reportedly air grievances he had with his onetime boss. What do you think? more»
Area Man Remains Charming For Exactly 1.999 Dates

issue 4534 | 08.23.09 | Radio
Area Man Tests Limits Of Human Stomach

issue 4534 | 08.22.09 | Radio
Sea-Monkeys Claimed As Dependents

issue 4534 | 08.21.09 | Radio
North Korean Spies Issued Silver Jumpsuits To Avoid Discovery

issue 4534 | 08.20.09 | Radio
President Obama Gets Tangled In Coat Hangers

issue 4534 | 08.19.09 | Radio
Fitness Researchers Hail Discovery Of New Ab

issue 4534 | 08.18.09 | Radio
Carnival Cruise Line Captain To Explore The Everglades

issue 4534 | 08.17.09 | Radio
Ritalin Gummis Unveiled

issue 4534 | 08.17.07 | Radio
Doctors Closing In On 'Second Head Bonk' Amnesia Cure

issue 4534 | 08.17.07 | Radio
New Aspershirt Relieves Torso Pain

issue 4534 | 08.17.07 | Radio
Breakthrough Drug Eliminates Crying In Infants

issue 4534 | 08.17.07 | Radio
Congress Approves $15 Billion Medicruelty

issue 4534 | 08.17.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - August 17, 2009

issue 4534 | 08.17.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Scientists Discover Portal To Outside World

issue 4534 | 08.22.09 | News In Photos
Ball Park Franks Introduces New Foot-Wide Hotdogs

issue 4534 | 08.18.09 | News In Photos
Wave To Everyone Who Passes By Or Get Off My Boat

issue 4534 | 08.20.09 | Commentary

Ok, that is it. I'm cutting the engines. We are not moving from this spot until one thing is made perfectly clear: Every single... more»
You Kids Are Old Enough Now To Hate For Yourselves

issue 4534 | 08.18.09 | Commentary

There comes a time in every father's life when he has to step back and let his children start thinking for themselves. You boys are getting... more»
Mamet To Direct 'Anne Frank'

issue 4534 | 08.18.09 | Infographic

Pulitzer Prize–winning playwright David Mamet is writing and directing a new film version of The Diary Of Anne... more»
What Are We Naming Our Wireless Networks?

issue 4534 | 08.19.09 | Statshot
Baseball Superstar Accused of Performance-Enhancing Genie Use

issue 4534 | 08.20.09 | Video

Despite eyebrows raised by his .850 batting average and Persian oil lamp he carries everywhere, 'Magic Lamp' emphatically denies ever using a genie. more»
White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase

issue 4534 | 08.17.09 | Video

White House officials admit Obama's extreme confidence and total euphoria over "hope" and "change" were symptoms of a prolonged manic episode. more»
Dogs

issue 4534 | 08.24.09 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4534 | 08.19.09 | Slideshow
Congress

issue 4534 | 08.18.09 | Slideshow
We Talk To Craig T. Nelson, Founder Of Craigslist

issue 4534 | 08.20.09 | Sunday Magazine
Healthy Ben Roethlisberger Ready To Jump Motorcycle Over Steelers Bus

issue 4534 | 08.20.09 | Photo Finish
CIA Operative Leaves Spare Retina Under Rock Near Door

issue 4534 | 08.23.09 | Newswire
Quick Thinking Reduces Indecent Exposure To Public Urination

issue 4534 | 08.21.09 | Newswire
Attempt To Return Paperclip To Original Shape Proves Daunting

issue 4534 | 08.19.09 | Newswire
Turquoise Smuggler Crosses Nevada Border Into Arizona No Problem

issue 4534 | 08.17.09 | Newswire