Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 29, 2009 - September 4, 2009 | Issue 45•35

Dog Humiliated In Front Of Entire Park

CONCORD, NH—Banjo, a local border collie mix and loyal human companion, was utterly humiliated Tuesday, when his owner, 34-year-old Michael Ingram, loudly scolded the dog right in the middle of Cold Brook Park. "Down, boy, down! What did I tell you about barking at those birds?" yelled Ingram, the dog's supposed best friend, right in front of several ot...

Unstable Relative, Toddler Compete For Attention At Family Get-Together

issue 4535 | 08.29.09 | News

LOWELL, MA—The barbecue, which began shortly after 4 p.m., saw both emotionally fragile and needy family members Nicholas Aunchman, 3, and... more»
Nation's Unemployment Outlook Improves Drastically After Fifth Beer

issue 4535 | 08.28.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"All these goddamn layoffs, they're totally a blessing in disguise," said Donald Ellington, a completely hammered senior adviser at... more»
Socialites Without Borders Teach Rwandans How To Mingle

issue 4535 | 08.25.09 | News

KIGALI, RWANDA—"Always remember to keep things light and breezy when mingling," said real estate heiress Danielle Watters as she advised a... more»
Fucker Riding Man's Ass Whole Way Out To Cleveland

issue 4535 | 08.28.09 | News In Brief

TWINSBURG, OH—Jesus Christ, area man Mark Hurley cannot fucking believe this dumb shit who has been riding his ass all the way out to... more»
Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta

issue 4535 | 08.27.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON–In the continuing controversy surrounding the president's U.S. citizenship, a new fringe group informally known as... more»
Nipsey Russell Estate Releases Volume Of Previously Unpublished Couplets

issue 4535 | 08.27.09 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Nipseyan scholars were jubilant Monday following the announcement that the Russell estate had consented to publish the... more»
Market Evidently Capable Of Supporting More Than One Reality Show About Cake

issue 4535 | 08.26.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Though the stock market remains shaky and consumer spending has reached a standstill, the U.S. economy is apparently still... more»
Local Man A Paper-Towel Black Hole

issue 4535 | 08.25.09 | News In Brief

DENVER—Sources at apartment 3A of the Woodpoint Towers residential complex confirmed that 26-year-old Stephen Refkin has become a... more»
Justice Stevens Renews Vows To Supreme Court In Emotional Reconfirmation Hearing

issue 4535 | 08.24.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In a stirring display of his commitment to the institution he pledged his life to 34 years ago, Associate Justice John Paul... more»
John Madden Blasts Cris Collinsworth's Hoagie Knowledge

issue 4535 | 08.27.09 | Sports News

PLEASANTON, CA—"Having played in the NFL for eight seasons, Cris should definitely know that if you don't hold on to the hoagie with both... more»
Sanford Vows To Complete Term

issue 4535 | 08.28.09 | American Voices

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, who disappeared for several days in June to visit his Argentine lover, has stated that he will not resign... more»
Jessica Biel Searches Infectious

issue 4535 | 08.27.09 | American Voices

According to a study by McAfee, 20 percent of all searches for actress Jessica Biel will return results infected with a virus or malware. What do... more»
Calley Apologizes For My Lai Massacre

issue 4535 | 08.26.09 | American Voices

Lt. William Calley, the only soldier to be held legally accountable for the 1968 massacre at My Lai, Vietnam, apologized in a speech to the Kiwanis... more»
Smokey The Bear Turns 65

issue 4535 | 08.25.09 | American Voices

The USDA Forest Service mascot Smokey Bear turned 65 earlier this month. What do you think? more»
Ex-DHS Chief Asserts Terror Alerts Gamed Election

issue 4535 | 08.24.09 | American Voices

In his new book, former head of the Department of Homeland Security Tom Ridge says that the Bush administration pressured him to raise the terror... more»
Swiss Bank To Name Clients

issue 4535 | 08.21.09 | American Voices

After reaching an agreement with U.S. authorities, the Swiss bank UBS is providing the IRS with the names of 4,450 American clients. What do... more»
Area Dog Can No Longer Be Trusted

issue 4535 | 08.30.09 | Radio
Only Gay Guy In The Office Says He's Not The Only Gay Guy In The Office

issue 4535 | 08.29.09 | Radio
Old Sheriff In Town Doing Perfectly Adequate Job

issue 4535 | 08.28.09 | Radio
Cruel Owner Deprives Laptop Of Sleep

issue 4535 | 08.27.09 | Radio
Man Who Didn't Get Enough Feta Riots Outside Greek Embassy

issue 4535 | 08.26.09 | Radio
Smuggler Swallows Condom Full Of Cuban Cigars

issue 4535 | 08.25.09 | Radio
Uninspired Carpenter Just Sawing Whatever Comes To Mind

issue 4535 | 08.24.09 | Radio
New Cereal For Poor Stays Crunchy In Water

issue 4535 | 08.26.07 | Radio
Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever

issue 4535 | 08.26.07 | Radio
Menu Describes Diner's Pancakes As 'World Famous'

issue 4535 | 08.26.07 | Radio
Report: Most Terrorists Do Not Start The Day Off With A Good Breakfast

issue 4535 | 08.26.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - August 24, 2009

issue 4535 | 08.24.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Ruthless, Powerful CEO Has Become Very Thing He Loves Most

issue 4535 | 08.29.09 | News In Photos
'Kennedy Curse' Claims Life Of 77-Year-Old Tumor-Riddled Binge-Drinker

issue 4535 | 08.26.09 | News In Photos
Barbecue Chicken Panini Succumbs To Howard-Related Causes

issue 4535 | 08.25.09 | News In Photos
Name One Masterpiece Of Cinema That I've Starred In

issue 4535 | 08.27.09 | Commentary

My friends and I were sitting around yesterday having a casual conversation about how the one thing all great actors have in common is that... more»
Let Me Show You Our New Line Of Bullshit

issue 4535 | 08.25.09 | Commentary

Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help but notice you checking out our bullshit section over here. Now, most of the people that come in here don't... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4535 | 08.25.09 | Horoscopes
Op-Ed Sparks Whole Foods Boycott

issue 4535 | 08.24.09 | Infographic

Whole Foods CEO John Mackey wrote an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal in which he said that health care was not a... more»
Who Are We Forging A Bond With?

issue 4535 | 08.26.09 | Statshot
Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

issue 4535 | 08.27.09 | Video

In The Know panelists discuss the closing of the controversial detainee labyrinth and debate whether the Minotaur's sternum-stomping-by-hooves... more»
Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S. Sends Nation Into Panic

issue 4535 | 08.24.09 | Video

Government officials have not determined the source of the music or what it could portend, but they urge Americans to avoid deserted mansions, woods,... more»
Back To School

issue 4535 | 08.31.09 | Slideshow
The Week in Review

issue 4535 | 08.25.09 | Slideshow
Medical Malpractice: How Suing His Doctor Brought One Man's Son Back To Life

issue 4535 | 08.28.09 | Sunday Magazine
Bill Belichick Sports Flashdance Sweatshirt

issue 4535 | 08.27.09 | Photo Finish
Local Funeral Director Gets Girl In The End

issue 4535 | 08.30.09 | Newswire
Tired Monkey Just Pushing Feces Towards Zoo-Goers

issue 4535 | 08.28.09 | Newswire
Purple Heart Sold For Prescription Money

issue 4535 | 08.26.09 | Newswire
Episode Of 'Mad Men' Nodded At

issue 4535 | 08.24.09 | Newswire