Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 4, 2009 - September 10, 2009 | Issue 45•36

Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked

LEBANON, OHIO—Apollo 11 mission commander and famed astronaut Neil Armstrong shocked reporters at a press conference Monday, announcing he had been convinced...

Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics

issue 4536 | 09.04.09 | News

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Organizers of the LXXXI Olympiad, which would be held in the capital city of Port-au-Prince, said the event will showcase... more»
Loser Senior Takes Loser Freshman Under His Wing

issue 4536 | 09.04.09 | News

MARGATE, FL—Senior Chris Payack claims to have imparted much wisdom to the freshman, including the locations of bathrooms with working locks on... more»
Report: Some Kid's Head Cracked Open In Gym This Morning

issue 4536 | 09.02.09 | News

NAPERVILLE—Although the extent of the injury has not yet been determined, seventh-grade sources said that it was totally gushing blood and... more»
Yamaha CEO Pleased With Current Production Of Jet Skis, Alto Saxophones, Snowmobiles, Power Generators, Scooters, Golf Carts

issue 4536 | 09.04.09 | News In Brief

HAMAMATSU, JAPAN—Despite concerns over the recent global recession, Yamaha Corporation president Mitsuru Umemura announced last week that... more»
Walletless Biden Found Handcuffed To Bedpost

issue 4536 | 09.03.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—According to an incident report filed by the Secret Service, special agents responded early Wednesday morning to a distress... more»
Pack Of Harpies Ordered Their Crostini Literally 20 Minutes Ago

issue 4536 | 09.02.09 | News In Brief

WILMINGTON, DE—According to sources at local restaurant Deep Blue, a table of four harpies perched near the window emitted shrill,... more»
New College Freshman Refers To Dorm By Actual Name

issue 4536 | 09.01.09 | News In Brief

NEWARK, DE—University of Delaware freshman Jared Kramer was overheard referring to dormitory Wolfington-Packard Hall by its full name... more»
News Of Jenna Elfman Sitcom Sends Herd Of Buffalo Into Wild Stampede

issue 4536 | 08.31.09 | News In Brief

WYOMING—Hundreds of buffalo thundered across the Wyoming plains Thursday after news of actress Jenna Elfman's latest sitcom,... more»
Small, Unathletic Walk-On Injures 9 Starters In Notre Dame Football Practice

issue 4536 | 09.03.09 | Sports News

SOUTH BEND, IN—During Wednesday's afternoon practice, 17-year-old Brian Novak, a 145-pound walk-on for the struggling Notre Dame football... more»
Gmail Suffers Major Outage

issue 4536 | 09.04.09 | American Voices

An overloaded Google router caused a shutdown of Gmail on Tuesday, affecting 150 million users for nearly two hours. What do you think? more»
Mother Of 18 Pregnant

issue 4536 | 09.03.09 | American Voices

Forty-two-year-old Michelle Duggar of the TLC show 18 Kids And Counting is expecting a 19th child in March. What do you think? more»
Bernanke Had ID Stolen

issue 4536 | 09.02.09 | American Voices

Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke was one of the victims of a nationwide identity-fraud ring that stole $2.1 million from consumers and... more»
RNC's Health Scare Tactics

issue 4536 | 09.01.09 | American Voices

A recent fundraising mailer for the Republican National Committee was accompanied by a questionnaire which intimated that any health care reform... more»
Postal Workers Offered Buyout

issue 4536 | 08.31.09 | American Voices

Thirty thousand employees of the United States Postal Service have been offered a $15,000 incentive to quit, which would save the troubled agency... more»
Homeless Scientists Unveil World's First Hobotron

issue 4536 | 09.06.09 | Radio
Local Man Glad To Find There Was Nothing Personal Behind Murder Of Family

issue 4536 | 09.05.09 | Radio
Onion Radio News Announces Annual Poetry Contest Winner

issue 4536 | 09.04.09 | Radio
Area Coach Calls Star Athlete Too Big To Fail

issue 4536 | 09.03.09 | Radio
Chocolate Factory Switches To All-Tourist Labor

issue 4536 | 09.02.09 | Radio
New Species Of Lobster May Have Come From Outer Space

issue 4536 | 09.01.09 | Radio
Stripper-Cop Brutality Case Goes All The Way To Stripper Supreme Court

issue 4536 | 08.31.09 | Radio
Fred Durst Spray Paints 'Limp Bizkit' On Bridge

issue 4536 | 09.05.09 | News In Photos
Jostens Unveils New Engagement Rings For Pregnant High-Schoolers

issue 4536 | 09.01.09 | News In Photos
You Follow One Kid Home, Rip Out His Eyes And All The Sudden You're A 'Killer' Squirrel

issue 4536 | 09.03.09 | Commentary

I'm a happy-go-lucky squirrel who loves living the good life of climbing trees and eating nuts. Mostly eating nuts. Man! I can't get enough... more»
Ask A College Professor Having Trouble With The Audiovisual Equipment

issue 4536 | 09.01.09 | Advice

Dear College Professor Having Trouble With The Audiovisual Equipment, Our son is at sleepaway camp this week, and I think... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4536 | 09.01.09 | Horoscopes
2009's Most Popular Classes

issue 4536 | 09.02.09 | Infographic

As the academic year begins, here is a survey of the most popular classes at colleges around the country: University of... more»
What Student Organizations Are We Joining?

issue 4536 | 09.02.09 | Statshot
Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

issue 4536 | 09.01.09 | Video

'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the lives of your... more»
The Week In Review

issue 4536 | 09.08.09 | Slideshow
America: Is It Worth The Effort?

issue 4536 | 09.04.09 | Sunday Magazine
Starting Pitcher Not Allowed To Start, Pitch

issue 4536 | 09.03.09 | Photo Finish
Smell Of Subway Restaurant Brings Man Back To Every Subway He’s Ever Been To

issue 4536 | 09.04.09 | Newswire
Spotlight Discretely Dimmed On Rampaging Circus Elephant

issue 4536 | 09.02.09 | Newswire
Cartwheel Veers Dangerously Off Course

issue 4536 | 08.31.09 | Newswire