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September 19, 2009 - September 25, 2009 | Issue 45•38

Outrageous Pictionary Drawing To Go Down In Area Family Lore

IONIA, MI—A heated game night Pictionary match at the Anderson household ended memorably this past Friday, just moments after Aunt Denise somehow managed to guess Uncle Don's...

Job Became Completely Humiliating So Gradually Area Man Barely Noticed

issue 4538 | 09.19.09 | News

CHICAGO—"Now that I think about it, a lot of little things have sort of slowly added up, like when they reduced my lunch hour to 30 minutes... more»
Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs

issue 4538 | 09.18.09 | News

ZACKENBERG RESEARCH STATION, GREENLAND—According to oceanographers, the Arctic Circle has been devastated by the effects of global warming... more»
U.S. Government Finds $20 Trillion Buried By Absentminded Reagan In 1987

issue 4538 | 09.15.09 | News

WASHINGTON—While senior officials were initially unsure of where the hoard of valuables had come from, a number of clues—most notably a... more»
Michael J. Fox Reluctantly Fields Hoverboard Question During Parkinson's Research Benefit

issue 4538 | 09.18.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Despite being on a panel to discuss his foundation's contributions to Parkinson's research, actor Michael J. Fox reluctantly... more»
DHS Sets Security Alert Level To Green For 8 Seconds

issue 4538 | 09.17.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—For a brief eight-second period Tuesday, Homeland Security officials lowered the national terror alert system to green,... more»
Death Of 12 Schoolchildren Makes Perfect Sense

issue 4538 | 09.16.09 | News In Brief

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—In a tragedy none have struggled to comprehend, a group of 12 schoolchildren on a whale-watching trip died in a... more»
Amish Woman Knew She Had Quilt Sale The Moment She Laid Eyes On Chicago Couple

issue 4538 | 09.15.09 | News In Brief

LANCASTER, PA—Repeatedly referring to them as "easy money," Amish quilt shop proprietor Mary Stolzfus, 43, said Monday that as soon as... more»
None Of Area Man's Friends Have Ever Seen Him With Shirt On

issue 4538 | 09.14.09 | News In Brief

WHEELING, WV—Saying they don't know why it never occurred to them before, friends of local man Paul Helton told reporters Sunday that... more»
Derek Jeter Honored For Having Fewer Hits Than Harold Baines

issue 4538 | 09.17.09 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Following Derek Jeter's 2,722nd career hit Friday, Yankee fans and teammates took a moment to honor the all-star shortstop for having... more»
Color Blindness Cured in Monkeys

issue 4538 | 09.18.09 | American Voices

An experimental treatment in which a human virus carrying color-sensing genes was injected into monkeys' eyes resulted in a drastic reduction in... more»
Would-Be Burglar Killed With Sword

issue 4538 | 09.17.09 | American Voices

A Johns Hopkins University student used a samurai sword to kill a man who had broken into his home. What do you think? more»
Ex-Football Star Running For Congress

issue 4538 | 09.16.09 | American Voices

Retired NFL player Jay Riemersma announced Monday that in 2010 he will run as a Republican for one of Michigan's seats in the U.S. House of... more»
Music Companies Suing 'Ellen'

issue 4538 | 09.15.09 | American Voices

The Ellen DeGeneres Show is being sued by a number of record labels, including Sony, Warner Bros., and Motown, for unauthorized use of music... more»
Dogs As Smart As 2-Year-Olds

issue 4538 | 09.14.09 | American Voices

Researchers have found that dogs are capable of comprehending up to 250 words, can count to five, and are capable of deception, putting them on par... more»
Insurance Company Sets Value Of John Mayer's Hands At Just Under $38

issue 4538 | 09.20.09 | Radio
Area Man Mows Around Dead Body

issue 4538 | 09.19.09 | Radio
Sexy Alien Does Not Understand This Thing Humans Call 'Love'

issue 4538 | 09.18.09 | Radio
Sears Holds Its Annual Back-To-Congress Sale

issue 4538 | 09.17.09 | Radio
Airline Cuts Costs By Becoming Terrible Airline

issue 4538 | 09.16.09 | Radio
President Obama Narrowly Escapes Square Dance

issue 4538 | 09.15.09 | Radio
Authorities Called In To Examine Suspicious-Looking Ham

issue 4538 | 09.14.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - September 14, 2009

issue 4538 | 09.14.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Free-Range Chicken Makes It To Bolivia

issue 4538 | 09.19.09 | News In Photos
Self-Defense Instructor Simulates Attacker Right Down To Erection

issue 4538 | 09.15.09 | News In Photos
I Was Dying Way Before Every Other Celebrity Started Doing It

issue 4538 | 09.17.09 | Commentary

Look, I don't want to be one of those whiny famous dudes who spends his days ragging on other famous dudes in the press. That's not what I'm... more»
Come Now, Let Us Take Refuge Inside This Waffle House

issue 4538 | 09.15.09 | Commentary

My love, you are shivering! And so pale. Here, wear my cloak over your own. We have walked for many miles, and I had hoped the skies would... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4538 | 09.15.09 | Horoscopes
The Troubled Future Of Reality Shows

issue 4538 | 09.16.09 | Infographic

The recent death of DJ AM has jeopardized Gone Too Far, a yet-to-air MTV program in which he helps people battle their addictions.... more»
Why Are We Working Late?

issue 4538 | 09.16.09 | Statshot
Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor

issue 4538 | 09.17.09 | Video

As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate whether the newly poor are capable of integrating with long established poor families... more»
U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan

issue 4538 | 09.14.09 | Video

Innocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton's tedious visits to their farms, cultural... more»
How To Stay Goth Past 50

issue 4538 | 09.17.09 | Sunday Magazine
Frustrated Serena Williams Snaps Dildo In Half Inside Herself

issue 4538 | 09.17.09 | Photo Finish
Man Feigning Interest Offended By Accusation Of Not Listening

issue 4538 | 09.19.09 | Newswire
Man Frightened Of Speaking In Front Of Large Groups Of Idiots

issue 4538 | 09.18.09 | Newswire
Juice Box Slid Down Cafeteria Table Saloon-Style

issue 4538 | 09.16.09 | Newswire
Stripper Cop Takes Bra Into Her Own Hands

issue 4538 | 09.14.09 | Newswire