Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 25, 2009 - October 1, 2009 | Issue 45•39

George W. Bush Chuckles To Self Upon Thinking About How He Was President Of The United States For Almost A Decade

DALLAS—While sitting alone on the porch of his home late Monday afternoon, George W. Bush, 63, chuckled upon suddenly remembering that he was once the president of the United States of America for nearly a decade. ...

Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam

issue 4539 | 09.25.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"We've come up against an unforeseen circumstance, but we'll resume deliberation and voting as quickly as is reasonably possible,"... more»
Sexy Career Woman To Take Hot Bath After Stressful Day

issue 4539 | 09.25.09 | News

NEW YORK—Following a particularly stressful day at her high-powered job, sultry career woman Jessica Barrett, 34, announced Tuesday she would... more»
Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday At 3:32 P.M.

issue 4539 | 09.22.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"From the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings to the stirring symphonies of Mozart to today's hot-dog eating competitions and action... more»
Obama Trying Out Social Policies In 'Second Life'

issue 4539 | 09.25.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, an increasingly cautious President Obama has begun testing out parts of his executive agenda... more»
Couple Sneaks Away From Party For A Little Arguing

issue 4539 | 09.24.09 | News In Brief

PHILADELPHIA—After consuming numerous alcoholic beverages and repeatedly locking eyes throughout the night, area couple Tracy Williams... more»
Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist

issue 4539 | 09.23.09 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—Despite visits from Olympic snowboarder Shaun White and film actor Ryan Reynolds, 13-year-old Corey Duthers announced... more»
Spatial Skills Abandon Area Man During Search For Correct Tupperware Lid

issue 4539 | 09.22.09 | News In Brief

WATERVILLE, ME—The ability to judge different sizes and shapes was inexplicably lost on Waterville resident John Wyatt on Tuesday as... more»
Man Not Belonging To Movie's Target Demographic Escorted From Theater By Hollywood Officials

issue 4539 | 09.21.09 | News In Brief

ST. LOUIS—Hollywood officials removed David Sinclair, 24, from the AMC Esquire 7's 9 p.m. showing of The Time Traveler's Wife... more»
Dallas Cowboys Release Jerry Jones

issue 4539 | 09.24.09 | Sports News

IRVING, TEXAS—In an attempt to cut the franchise's losses and "move forward in a positive direction," the Dallas Cowboys severed ties with... more»
Mackenzie Phillips Had Sex With Father

issue 4539 | 09.25.09 | American Voices

Actress Mackenzie Phillips, star of One Day At A Time, writes in her new memoir that she had a consensual sexual relationship with her... more»
Flavored Cigarettes Banned

issue 4539 | 09.24.09 | American Voices

The FDA ban on cigarettes flavored with cloves or fruit—but not menthol—took effect this week. What do you think? more»
Edwards Alleged To Have Love Child

issue 4539 | 09.23.09 | American Voices

According to an ex-aide, former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards may have fathered a child with a videographer on his campaign staff.... more»
Nigerian Officials Try To Block 'District 9'

issue 4539 | 09.22.09 | American Voices

Nigerian information minister Dora Akunyili has asked movie houses to stop screening the science fiction film District 9 because of its... more»
Pregnant And Infirm Given First H1N1 Vaccine

issue 4539 | 09.21.09 | American Voices

The Centers for Disease Control announced that vaccinations for the H1N1 virus would be given first to pregnant women and adults with compromised... more»
Entire Planet Feels Like It's Being Watched

issue 4539 | 09.27.09 | Radio
Army Of Dead Has No Problem Meeting Recruitment Goal

issue 4539 | 09.26.09 | Radio
Surprise Witness Punches Out Prosecutor

issue 4539 | 09.25.09 | Radio
Benign Growth Removed From Pope Benedict's Head Now Blessing Things On Its Own

issue 4539 | 09.23.09 | Radio
New Heart-Shaped Sniper Scope Makes It Impossible For Marines To Shoot Enemies

issue 4539 | 09.22.09 | Radio
Champagne Is Drained From Business Community Pool

issue 4539 | 09.21.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - September 21, 2009

issue 4539 | 09.21.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Jealous GPS Clearly Wants Man To Back Over Wife

issue 4539 | 09.26.09 | News In Photos
Tire Salesman To Hit Them With A Little Razzle-Dazzle

issue 4539 | 09.22.09 | News In Photos
My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over

issue 4539 | 09.24.09 | Commentary

Thank god. After 26 long years, I can finally rest easy. Twenty-six years I spent standing in front of a camera, gritting my teeth,... more»
P.S. I Love You

issue 4539 | 09.22.09 | Columnists

So where were you on the night of Sept. 14, when you first heard the news? Were you, like me, sitting at the kitchen table watching E! and... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4539 | 09.22.09 | Horoscopes
Tuition In Tough Times

issue 4539 | 09.23.09 | Infographic

With the economic downturn hitting scholarship funds, how are students paying for college? Critiquing Foucault's... more»
Who Are We Naming Our Babies After?

issue 4539 | 09.23.09 | Statshot
Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

issue 4539 | 09.23.09 | Video

8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck. more»
BREAKING NEWS: BAT LOOSE IN CONGRESS

issue 4539 | 09.21.09 | Video

Congress is deadlocked on the best way to get a bat out of their committee chamber. more»
Greed In America

issue 4539 | 09.29.09 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4539 | 09.23.09 | Slideshow
One Man's Chilling Tale Of Needing To Get To An ATM Pretty Soon

issue 4539 | 09.25.09 | Sunday Magazine
Team Pretending To Celebrate With Kicker

issue 4539 | 09.24.09 | Photo Finish
But Area Man Had Pizza For Lunch

issue 4539 | 09.25.09 | Newswire
Pretending To Fall Asleep Area Man's Best Conflict-Resolution Tool

issue 4539 | 09.23.09 | Newswire
Empty Snapple Bottle Finally Rolls Out Bus Door

issue 4539 | 09.21.09 | Newswire