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October 3, 2009 - October 9, 2009 | Issue 45•40

Pepsi To Cease Advertising

PURCHASE, NY—PepsiCo sent shockwaves through the carbonated beverage industry Monday when the multibillion dollar corporation announced that it would cease all advertising of its popular soda product, effective immediately. "We know it's good, and everyone's pretty happy with the overall taste, so why spend all our time worrying about w...

Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat

issue 4540 | 10.03.09 | News

SARASOTA, FL—"I could never be unfaithful to Helen," said the 63-year-old Arnold Schneider, who over the past four decades has unsuccessfully... more»
Shell Executives Accuse Oil-Covered Otter Of Playing It Up

issue 4540 | 10.02.09 | News

OAK HARBOR, WA—"He's fine," said Shell president Marvin Odum. "Trust me, before all of the cameras and reporters showed up, our little buddy... more»
Nation Demands Fresh Celebrity Meat

issue 4540 | 09.29.09 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—""We can no longer subsist on Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears," read a statement from Citizens for Renewed Celebrity... more»
Town Proud Of Water Tower

issue 4540 | 10.02.09 | News In Brief

RICE, MN—Local residents reported Monday that the 157-foot-tall water tower in the center of town was the finest water storage structure... more»
Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports

issue 4540 | 10.01.09 | News In Brief

ST. CLOUD, MN—Local resident Paula Sizemore, 29, who has consistently dominated her 28-year-old boyfriend Sam Leach during the entirety... more»
Pentagon Report Concludes Too Many Soldiers Have Same Nickname

issue 4540 | 09.30.09 | News In Brief

ARLINGTON, VA—An inquiry into last month's fatal midair collision of fighter planes piloted by Maj. John "Scorch" Basin and Col. Keith... more»
After 40-Day Search, Authorities Finally Replace Missing Boy

issue 4540 | 09.29.09 | News In Brief

WILMINGTON, NC—Following an exhaustive six-week search, federal and local authorities announced Monday that they have finally located... more»
Man's Facebook Status Given Book Deal

issue 4540 | 09.28.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—HarperCollins Publishers announced Monday that 24-year-old Islip, NY resident Gerard Dillow has accepted its offer of $250,000... more»
Michael Vick Fails To Inspire Team With 'Great' Dogfighting Story

issue 4540 | 10.01.09 | Sports News

PHILADELPHIA—Michael Vick's pregame pep talk Sunday, in which he recounted the events of a brutal 2004 dogfight between his pit bull terrier... more»
Nevada Has Highest Percentage Of Uninsured Children

issue 4540 | 10.02.09 | American Voices

A Census report says that Nevada leads the nation in uninsured children, with nearly 20 percent lacking health coverage. What do you think? more»
New Mariah Carey CD Has Ads

issue 4540 | 10.01.09 | American Voices

The 34-page booklet for Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel, the new CD from Island Def Jam recording artist Mariah Carey, includes advertisements... more»
Secret Service Investigating Facebook Poll

issue 4540 | 09.30.09 | American Voices

Facebook has suspended an application that allows its members to create polls after a user, who is now being investigated by the Secret Service,... more»
Polanski Arrested On 31-Year-Old Sex Charge

issue 4540 | 09.29.09 | American Voices

As he tried to enter Switzerland to receive a lifetime achievement award, filmmaker Roman Polanski was arrested in connection with the 1977 rape of... more»
British Relax Assisted-Suicide Laws

issue 4540 | 09.28.09 | American Voices

A clarification of law makes it less likely that relatives of terminally ill people will be prosecuted in England for helping a loved one end his... more»
Remains Of Davy Crockett Handed Over To The Bears

issue 4540 | 10.04.09 | Radio
Arby's Debuts New Postapocalyptic Sandwich Deals

issue 4540 | 10.03.09 | Radio
Christian Loan Shark Prays For Strength To Break Another Thumb

issue 4540 | 10.02.09 | Radio
Thousands Of Unemployed Manufacturing Robots Join Military

issue 4540 | 10.01.09 | Radio
Red Lobster Introduces New Jellyfish Sting-A-Roos

issue 4540 | 09.30.09 | Radio
Amateur Assassin Slits Throat From Ear To Nose

issue 4540 | 09.29.09 | Radio
God Smites Area Man For Distracting Him From Tree Frogs

issue 4540 | 09.28.09 | Radio
Second Tattoo Is Added To Explain First Tattoo

issue 4540 | 09.24.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - September 28, 2009

issue 4540 | 09.28.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Unstoppable Killing Machine Out Of Toner

issue 4540 | 10.03.09 | News In Photos
Fly On Wall Can’t Believe They're Restructuring Entire West Coast Division

issue 4540 | 09.29.09 | News In Photos
There's Nothing More Exhausting Than A Long Day Of Placing Vaginal Transmitters In Moose

issue 4540 | 10.01.09 | Commentary

Man, am I beat. You ever feel so wiped at the end of the day that the thought of going back to work the next morning is just unbearable?... more»
It's Still Not Too Late To Greet Us As Liberators

issue 4540 | 09.29.09 | Commentary

Boy, how these last six years have flown by. Back in 2003, when we first arrived here in your country, we certainly didn't expect things to... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4540 | 09.29.09 | Horoscopes
Obama Addresses U.N.

issue 4540 | 09.29.09 | Infographic

Last week, President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly. Here are some of the highlights of his speech: "Who... more»
What Did We Just Run Over?

issue 4540 | 09.30.09 | Statshot
Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans

issue 4540 | 10.01.09 | Video

Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards... more»
Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act

issue 4540 | 09.28.09 | Video

On Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually motivated arson. more»
State Of The Arts: Our Museums & Theaters

issue 4540 | 10.06.09 | Slideshow
For Only $5 Per Month, You Can Help Continue Photographing This Child

issue 4540 | 10.02.09 | Sunday Magazine
'I Feel Like An Idiot,' Tiger Woods Says While Holding FedEx Cup Trophy

issue 4540 | 10.01.09 | Photo Finish
Fat Piece Of Shit Spotted In Mirror

issue 4540 | 10.04.09 | Newswire
Drug-, Explosive-, Cadaver-Sniffing Dogs All Barking At Same Shed

issue 4540 | 10.02.09 | Newswire
Undercover Cop Discloses True Identity To Gain Gang’s Trust

issue 4540 | 09.30.09 | Newswire
Sweet Lord In Heaven Above Appreciates Praise Of Burger

issue 4540 | 09.29.09 | Newswire
Sexless Marriage Ruined By Loveless Affair

issue 4540 | 09.28.09 | Newswire