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October 10, 2009 - October 16, 2009 | Issue 45•41

Struggling Museum Now Allowing Patrons To Touch Paintings

NEW YORK—Hoping to boost attendance and broaden its base of supporters, the Metropolitan Museum of Art launched a new initiative this week that allows patrons, for the first...

Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

issue 4541 | 10.10.09 | News

FORT SCOTT, KS—"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to... more»
God Introduces New Bird

issue 4541 | 10.09.09 | News

THE HEAVENS—Available in two colors—male and female—the bird reportedly combines everything God has learned from His previous works into... more»
Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed

issue 4541 | 10.06.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"If your grandmother would rather be euthanized in the privacy of her own home than be gutted and hanged on a high school soccer... more»
Quaker Oats Canister Relabeled 'DRUGS' For Grade School Play

issue 4541 | 10.09.09 | News In Brief

ABINGDON, MD—In order to dispel any confusion regarding the contents of a 42-ounce Quaker Oats canister used in the play Drugs... more»
Man Defends Home State's License Plate Design

issue 4541 | 10.08.09 | News In Brief

BOSTON—Despite having never before given the topic a moment's thought, maintenance mechanic Ron Krueger, 46, aggressively defended his... more»
Favorite Stick Brought Inside

issue 4541 | 10.07.09 | News In Brief

DENVER—Discarding a number of twigs that did not conform to his high standards, Nicholas Thompson, 5, finally selected a favorite stick... more»
'Entertainment Weekly' Critic Lets Director Redo 'Sorority Row' For Better Grade

issue 4541 | 10.06.09 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Critic Kate Ward told reporters Monday that she has given director Stewart Hendler a chance to reshoot his... more»
Secretary Of The Ulterior Clearly Vying For Better Cabinet Position

issue 4541 | 10.05.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Following a Monday morning staff meeting, White House sources said it has become clear that Department of the Ulterior head... more»
ESPN Completely Misses Brett Favre Vs. Green Bay Packers Storyline

issue 4541 | 10.08.09 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—In what is being called the biggest gaffe in the sports network's 30-year history, ESPN totally forgot to cover last week's Brett... more»
Parents Against Swine Flu Vaccine

issue 4541 | 10.09.09 | American Voices

An Associated Press poll shows that 38 percent of all parents do not want their children vaccinated against the H1N1 virus, or swine flu. What do... more»
Hummer Drivers Get Most Tickets

issue 4541 | 10.08.09 | American Voices

A study conducted by a statistical information company concluded that drivers of Hummers received 4.63 times the number of citations other drivers... more»
Autism More Common Than Thought

issue 4541 | 10.07.09 | American Voices

A new government study published in the journal Pediatrics indicates that one in every 91 American children is affected by autism instead of... more»
T. Rex Skeleton Put Up For Auction At Casino

issue 4541 | 10.06.09 | American Voices

A nearly complete skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus rex found in South Dakota was put up for auction at the Venetian casino in Las Vegas last weekend.... more»
Detroit Facing Corpse Surplus

issue 4541 | 10.05.09 | American Voices

Corpses are piling up in the Wayne County Morgue in Detroit because families and loved ones can't afford to bury or cremate the bodies. What do... more»
Applebee's Manager Stops By To See How Takeout Is Going

issue 4541 | 10.11.09 | Radio
Bomb Squad Member Takes 7 Hours To Open Birthday Present

issue 4541 | 10.10.09 | Radio
Water Balloon Attacks Are Hurting Lemonade Stand's Bottom Line

issue 4541 | 10.09.09 | Radio
Anecdote Retired After 8 Years Of Stellar Service

issue 4541 | 10.08.09 | Radio
Having Pool Table In Bar A Terrible Idea

issue 4541 | 10.07.09 | Radio
New High School Alumni Make Successful Use Of Vague Graduation Advice

issue 4541 | 10.06.09 | Radio
Struggling Cleveland Zoo Hosts All-You-Can-Eat Penguin Fundraiser

issue 4541 | 10.05.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October 5, 2009

issue 4541 | 10.05.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Cheering Crowd Actually Trying To Get Attention Of Guy Behind Iron Maiden

issue 4541 | 10.10.09 | News In Photos
Japanese Businessman Found Hiding On Golf Course Thinks Mid-'80s Economic Boom Still Going On

issue 4541 | 10.06.09 | News In Photos
My Mistress Makes The Best Potato Salad

issue 4541 | 10.08.09 | Commentary

There's nothing I enjoy more than the creamy, tangy taste of a homemade potato salad. "Heaven in a Bowl," I like to call it. I've been a fool... more»
Looks Like We Got Ourselves A Regular Nobel Prize-Winning Physicist Douglas Osheroff On Our Hands

issue 4541 | 10.06.09 | Commentary

Hey, check out the "professor" over here. "Oh, the beer at this party isn't very cold," he says. Well, now, aren't we just a regular expert... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4541 | 10.06.09 | Horoscopes
Bank Of America CEO Resigns

issue 4541 | 10.07.09 | Infographic

Once heralded as a shrewd innovator, embattled CEO Ken Lewis is now leaving Bank Of America. Here are some key missteps from the past 18... more»
Top-Selling Hunting Gear

issue 4541 | 10.07.09 | Statshot
New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'

issue 4541 | 10.05.09 | Video

The CDC's new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you're totally crazy for... more»
Our Own Patrick Kehoe Writes Another Signature Patrick Kehoe Article That Can't Be Described In Just 8 or 10 Words

issue 4541 | 10.09.09 | Sunday Magazine
Tom Brady Clearly Receiving Preferential Treatment From NFL

issue 4541 | 10.08.09 | Photo Finish
Boy Detective Solves Case Of The Hidden Gun

issue 4541 | 10.11.09 | Newswire
Up And Coming Band Trying To Find That 'Apple Commercial' Sound

issue 4541 | 10.07.09 | Newswire
Stupid, Stupid, Stupid Man Drops Omelet

issue 4541 | 10.05.09 | Newswire