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October 17, 2009 - October 23, 2009 | Issue 45•42

Sotomayor Misses Supreme Court Case After Failing To Get Out Of Jury Duty

WASHINGTON—Recently appointed justice Sonia Sotomayor told reporters that, despite making dozens of excuses, she was selected for jury duty this week, causing her to miss a...

Area Man Has Far Greater Knowledge Of Marvel Universe Than Own Family Tree

issue 4542 | 10.17.09 | News

LA CROSSE, WI—"We're from Sweden or Norway or somewhere around there," said Sundling, who when prompted can accurately detail the origins of... more»
Vince Vaughn Appears On 'Tonight Show' To Deceive Country About Latest Film

issue 4542 | 10.16.09 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—"It's a really funny movie, and I think people are going to enjoy it," lied the 39-year-old performer, knowing full well that he... more»
Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date

issue 4542 | 10.14.09 | News

NEW YORK——According to a source who wished to remain anonymous, there is an ineffable quality to the printed page that kidnappers cannot get... more»
Tall Young Girl Told She Should Play Basketball

issue 4542 | 10.16.09 | News In Brief

CHELMSFORD, MA—Based on her above- average height, the presence of two functional arms, and the near certainty that she was a student... more»
Every Day Of Local Dad's Life An Endless Battle To Hold On To Good Pen

issue 4542 | 10.15.09 | News In Brief

WEEHAWKEN, NJ—Family members confirmed Monday that Weehawken father of three Ken Irvine wakes up every morning prepared to die in order... more»
Cell Phone Stuck In 2-Year Contract With Local Man

issue 4542 | 10.14.09 | News In Brief

LAS CRUCES, NM—Though it has been the victim of rampant physical and verbal abuse and feels terrorized by its demanding, possessive... more»
Thing That Was Popular Before Brought Back In Hopes Of It Still Being Popular

issue 4542 | 10.13.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Confident that people would once again embrace it as a beloved part of pop culture, steps were taken this week to reintroduce... more»
Study: Majority Of 'Calm Downs' Ineffective

issue 4542 | 10.12.09 | News In Brief

ITHACA, NY—A study published recently in the Journal Of Mental Health found that attempting to reverse a loud emotional display... more»
Raiders Achieve First Down

issue 4542 | 10.15.09 | Sports News

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an improbable display of competence and a basic execution of football fundamentals, the Oakland Raiders stunned the... more»
Consumers Blast Pepsi iPhone App

issue 4542 | 10.16.09 | American Voices

People are raising objections to a new iPhone application from Pepsi that offers to help men seduce women, then keep a "Brag List" they can share... more»
Republican Site Crashes

issue 4542 | 10.15.09 | American Voices

GOP.com, the new social networking site for Republicans, crashed hours after it was launched on Tuesday. What do you think? more»
Hijacker Arrested After More Than 40 Years

issue 4542 | 10.14.09 | American Voices

Luis Armando Pena Soltren was arrested at John F. Kennedy International Airport on Sunday for his role in a 1968 hijacking of a Pan Am flight bound... more»
French Official Won't Resign Over Pederasty Allegations

issue 4542 | 10.13.09 | American Voices

French culture minister Frédéric Mitterrand is refusing to resign following controversy over a passage in his book The Bad Life that... more»
Barack Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize

issue 4542 | 10.12.09 | American Voices

For the achievement of giving the world "hope for a better future," President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. What do you... more»
Disagreement Over Band Name May Break Up Area Band

issue 4542 | 10.18.09 | Radio
Do-It-Yourselfer Drywalls With His Gut

issue 4542 | 10.17.09 | Radio
School Board Votes To Allow Teasing Of Area Sixth-Grader

issue 4542 | 10.16.09 | Radio
Detroit Picked To Hold 2016 Thunderdome

issue 4542 | 10.15.09 | Radio
Party Called A Success After Guy Seen Puking Out Of Car Window

issue 4542 | 10.14.09 | Radio
Vengeful Pilot Vows To Hunt Down Turbulence

issue 4542 | 10.13.09 | Radio
Body Found In Last Place Police Thought To Look

issue 4542 | 10.12.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October12, 2009

issue 4542 | 10.12.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Vespa Corporation Enchants Another Slight Little Man-Child

issue 4542 | 10.17.09 | News In Photos
Disapproving Michelle Obama To Be Printed On All Fast Food Containers

issue 4542 | 10.13.09 | News In Photos
Aw, Who Am I Kidding? I'm No Match For Stains

issue 4542 | 10.15.09 | Commentary

For more than 60 years, I have been recognized far and wide as America's foremost stain-fighter. I'm sure you've all heard the ad copy: Tide... more»
If God Had Wanted Me To Be Accepting Of Gays, He Would Have Given Me The Warmth And Compassion To Do So

issue 4542 | 10.13.09 | Commentary

I don't question God. The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall put none above Him. Which is why I know that if it were part of God's plan for me... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4542 | 10.13.09 | Horoscopes
Jon And Kate's Messy Public Divorce

issue 4542 | 10.14.09 | Infographic

Since announcing their plans to divorce, Jon and Kate Gosselin, subjects of the TV show Jon And Kate Plus Eight, have... more»
Popular Autumn Activities

issue 4542 | 10.14.09 | Statshot
Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows

issue 4542 | 10.15.09 | Video

Dan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night. more»
Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire

issue 4542 | 10.13.09 | Video

White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4542 | 10.18.09 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4542 | 10.13.09 | Slideshow
Dirty Magazines: Why Are They Vanishing From America's Woodlands?

issue 4542 | 10.16.09 | Sunday Magazine
Kyle Boller Asks Center To Stop Snapping Ball So Hard

issue 4542 | 10.15.09 | Photo Finish
Tsunami Leaves Tropical Island A Paradise Again

issue 4542 | 10.16.09 | Newswire
eHarmony.com Employees Hogging All The Good Singles

issue 4542 | 10.14.09 | Newswire
Bedbugs Disgusted By Mattress

issue 4542 | 10.12.09 | Newswire