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October 24, 2009 - October 30, 2009 | Issue 45•43

Priest Shortage Forces Vatican To Hire Temps To Deliver Sacred Rites

MILWAUKEE—In an emergency effort to boost the dwindling number of Roman Catholic priests in the United States, the Vatican contracted with a nationwide staffing firm last week to hire thousands of temporary employees to provide liturgical services and administer holy sacraments...

Protagonist Scrolls Intensely Through Microfilm

issue 4543 | 10.24.09 | News

NEW HAVEN, CT—"The mayor's ex-wife," said the journalist, positively identifying the woman shown in a photo with a WorldChem executive. "And... more»
Television, Processed Foods Couldn't Be More Proud Of Child They Raised

issue 4543 | 10.23.09 | News

CHICAGO—"We're just so proud of Brian and everything he's failed to accomplish in his largely sedentary and insipid life," said ABC president... more»
Nation's Morons March On Washington State

issue 4543 | 10.21.09 | News

OLYMPIA, WA—"More government accountability, and transparency, and accountability!” shouted grade-A moron Tammy Caldwell, 37, addressing no... more»
Man Pinned Beneath Car Wondering When Adrenaline Going To Kick In

issue 4543 | 10.22.09 | News In Brief

WAUWATOSA, WI—With the lower half of his body pinned beneath the two-ton bulk of an overturned Jeep, Dennis Wagar told reporters Monday... more»
Report: 65% Of All Wildlife Now Used As Homosexual Subculture Signifier

issue 4543 | 10.21.09 | News In Brief

PALO ALTO, CA—A study released Tuesday by the Stanford University Department of Linguistics revealed that nearly two-thirds of all... more»
Privileged Little Artiste Writing Something Oh-So-Precious Into His Moleskine Notebook

issue 4543 | 10.20.09 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—After gently unfastening the elastic strap keeping his dearest musings safe from prying eyes, little literary artiste... more»
Mayan Calendar Warns Of Cataclysmic Roland Emmerich Film On Nov. 13

issue 4543 | 10.19.09 | News In Brief

CHICHÉN ITZÁ, MEXICO—Scholars of the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar warned Monday that, according to ancient Mayan calculations, a... more»
A-Rod Can't Wait To Someday Tell Estranged Grandchildren About 2009 Postseason

issue 4543 | 10.22.09 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez continued his dream postseason Saturday by hitting the tying home run in Game 2 of the American League Championship... more»
No Rise In Social Security

issue 4543 | 10.22.09 | American Voices

For the first time since 1975, there will not be a cost-of-living increase for Social Security payments. What do you think? more»
Math Skills Show Little Growth

issue 4543 | 10.21.09 | American Voices

Testing of American fourth- and eighth-graders shows that only four out of 10 are proficient in mathematics, a figure that has not improved since... more»
NFL Players Wear Pink For Breast Cancer

issue 4543 | 10.20.09 | American Voices

During the month of October, many professional football players are wearing pink as part of their uniforms to raise awareness for breast cancer.... more»
Water Found On The Moon

issue 4543 | 10.19.09 | American Voices

The presence of water has been detected all over the surface of the moon by planetary geologists. What do you think? more»
Kellogg's Worker Knew He Was Fired The Moment He Uttered The Word 'Unfrosted'

issue 4543 | 10.25.09 | Radio
17-Year Locusts Can't Believe Red Hot Chili Peppers Are Still Around

issue 4543 | 10.24.09 | Radio
Your Cousin Says Prison Food 'Not So Bad'

issue 4543 | 10.23.09 | Radio
Pack Of Chimps In Tuxedos Crashes Nobel Prize Dinner

issue 4543 | 10.22.09 | Radio
Sports Drinks Face Competition From New Sitting-On-Couch-Watching-TV Drinks

issue 4543 | 10.21.09 | Radio
Robert Duvall Believes Group With Sexual Fetish For Robert Duvall Is Out There Somewhere

issue 4543 | 10.20.09 | Radio
Shoot And Release Program Catches On With Hunters

issue 4543 | 10.19.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October 26, 2009

issue 4543 | 10.26.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Editorial Cartoon - October 19, 2009

issue 4543 | 10.19.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Three Escaping Legislators Shot From Senate Guard Tower

issue 4543 | 10.24.09 | News In Photos
Book About Michael Jackson Available For Purchase

issue 4543 | 10.20.09 | News In Photos
A Little Birdie Told Me You Had A Miscarriage

issue 4543 | 10.22.09 | Commentary

Oh my goodness, it's been ages since I've seen you. Don't you look adorable! There's definitely something different about you. Have you lost... more»
People Are Always Coming To Me With My Problems

issue 4543 | 10.20.09 | Commentary

You ever hear of someone having a "kind face?" Well, I don't know if it's that or something else about me, but it seems as though every time... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4543 | 10.20.09 | Horoscopes
October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

issue 4543 | 10.21.09 | Infographic

The American Cancer Society predicts 40,170 women will die from breast cancer this year. Here are some things women can do... more»
Where Are We Meeting Singles?

issue 4543 | 10.21.09 | Statshot
Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting

issue 4543 | 10.21.09 | Video

In The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.' more»
Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Yet Another Daring Jewel Heist

issue 4543 | 10.19.09 | Video

Steam Room analysts debate whether the International Fencing Federation should rein in this rogue, or if De La Croix will narrowly escape yet again. more»
Walt Disney World: How Much C4 Would You Need?

issue 4543 | 10.23.09 | Sunday Magazine
Dopey-Looking Guy Who Doesn't Know He's On Jumbotron Jay Cutler

issue 4543 | 10.22.09 | Photo Finish
Choco Taco Eaten With Same Amount Of Passion That Went Into Painting Sistine Chapel

issue 4543 | 10.25.09 | Newswire
Graduate School Thought About

issue 4543 | 10.23.09 | Newswire
'Saw VI' Sweeps 2009 'Saw' Awards

issue 4543 | 10.21.09 | Newswire
Flies In Apartment Apparently In A Fight About Something

issue 4543 | 10.19.09 | Newswire