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November 16, 2009 - November 22, 2009 | Issue 45•46

Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War

NEW MUNICH—The new Sci-Fi Channel series Fallen Axis, which eerily depicts a world in which Germany actually lost the Second World War, premiered Tuesday evening to high ratings in an...

Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup

issue 4546 | 11.16.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"We tried to treat our customers like adults, and they took advantage of our generosity," said Burger King CEO Brian Thomas Swette,... more»
Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

issue 4546 | 11.14.09 | News

ESCONDIDO, CA—Provoked by a presidential administration he believes is guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle... more»
Afghan Presidential Election A Celebration Of All Forms Of Government

issue 4546 | 11.11.09 | News

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—"This election has proved to the world that Afghanistan is capable of conducting free, barely free, and not-so-free... more»
Man Raised By Wolves Worried He's Slowly Turning Into Father

issue 4546 | 11.13.09 | News In Brief

INVERMERE, BC—Calling it a "real wake-up call," local claims adjuster Paul Koda'wahya told reporters Monday that he has finally reached... more»
American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole'

issue 4546 | 11.12.09 | News In Brief

FORT HOOD, TX—Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan's shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week that left 13... more»
H.R. 2651 Fans Storm Senate Floor After Passage Of Bill

issue 4546 | 11.12.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Diehard fans of H.R. 2651 charged the floor of the Senate chamber Tuesday after their bill, a 14-vote underdog nicknamed... more»
Group Of Good-Looking People All Headed Toward Same Place

issue 4546 | 11.11.09 | News In Brief

DOWNTOWN—A procession of strikingly attractive people, tastefully dressed for an evening out and sporting high-priced yet pleasantly... more»
Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living

issue 4546 | 11.10.09 | News In Brief

CHARLOTTE, NC—Dawning horror tinged with self-loathing crept slowly over the face of claims adjuster Robert Pettlebaum, 42, as he... more»
Poll: 100% Of Grandsons Talented

issue 4546 | 11.09.09 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—A Zogby poll of 1,542 American grandparents published Monday found that grandsons were described as "very" to "extremely"... more»
Report: Yankees Trademarked 'Yankees Suck' Chant In 1996

issue 4546 | 11.13.09 | Sports News

TAMPA, FL—New York Yankees team ownership revealed Tuesday that the phrase "Yankees suck," one of the most popular chants in sports, was... more»
Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN

issue 4546 | 11.13.09 | American Voices

The outspoken CNN anchor announced Wednesday that he was resigning, effective immediately. What do you think? more»
Obama Visiting Asia

issue 4546 | 11.12.09 | American Voices

President Barack Obama leaves for Japan Thursday, kicking off a nine-day diplomatic visit to Asia that will include four days in China. What do... more»
Pabst Up For Sale

issue 4546 | 11.11.09 | American Voices

The Pabst Brewing Co., owners of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Schlitz, is on the market for around $300 million. What do you think? more»
Cash For Clunkers Resulted In Trucks For Trucks

issue 4546 | 11.10.09 | American Voices

Analysis of federal data shows that a substantial number of the participants in the federal "Cash for Clunkers" program merely swapped an older... more»
Berlin Wall Came Down 20 Years Ago

issue 4546 | 11.09.09 | American Voices

On Nov 9, 1989, the East German government announced that it would allow free travel between East and West Germany, an act that eventually led to... more»
Pentagon Engineers Develop New Diplomacy Bomb

issue 4546 | 11.15.09 | Radio
Beer Makes Carpet Grow

issue 4546 | 11.12.09 | Radio
Fire Hot

issue 4546 | 11.10.09 | Radio
Bush, Al-Zeidi Tour World Recreating Shoe-Throwing Incident

issue 4546 | 11.07.09 | Radio
CNBC Cameraman Can’t Believe He’s Filming Another Blog Off A Computer Monitor

issue 4546 | 11.14.09 | News In Photos
Congressman Boehner's Terror Alert Skin Set Back To Orange

issue 4546 | 11.10.09 | News In Photos
I'm So Blessed To Be Surrounded By People I Can Extort Money From

issue 4546 | 11.12.09 | Commentary

Everyone goes through a hard patch at some point. Even if you watch every penny, all it takes is an unexpected layoff or a sudden medical... more»
Excuse Me, But I'll Be Handling The Gentleman's Discourse For The Rest Of The Evening

issue 4546 | 11.10.09 | Commentary

Ah, pardon me, milady. May I have a word? I trust you're enjoying tonight's festivities? I should say I am. Nothing stirs the blood quite like... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4546 | 11.10.09 | Horoscopes
Nicolas Cage Broke

issue 4546 | 11.11.09 | Infographic

Owing $6.3 million in back taxes and facing financial ruin, Nicolas Cage, star of such hit films as Ghost... more»
What's Worrying Our Parents?

issue 4546 | 11.11.09 | Statshot
The Week In Review

issue 4546 | 11.15.09 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4546 | 11.10.09 | Slideshow
AIDS: After Nearly 30 Years, It Still Looks Pretty Intense When Written In All Red And Set Against A Black Background

issue 4546 | 11.13.09 | Sunday Magazine
People Probably Affiliated With Hockey In Some Way Inducted In Hockey Hall Of Fame

issue 4546 | 11.12.09 | Photo Finish
Man Who Did Something Wrong Now Hates Cops

issue 4546 | 11.15.09 | Newswire
Culmination Of Entire Life’s Work A Fragile 47.2 KB

issue 4546 | 11.13.09 | Newswire
Girlfriend Tossed Into Pile Of Leaves A Little Less Gently This Year

issue 4546 | 11.11.09 | Newswire
Neti Pot Genie Grants 3 Mucus-Related Wishes

issue 4546 | 11.09.09 | Newswire