Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

At the AV Club: Stephin Merritt

December 21, 2009 - December 27, 2009 | Issue 45•52

< Previous | Next >

Sales Manager Gets A Little Crazy At Office Party

SUNNYVALE, CA–Allen Wohl, a 33-year-old associate sales manager at M&H Marketing, got a little crazy at Tuesday's annual office holiday party, held from 2 to 3 p.m. in the third-floor conference room. The combination Christmas and New Year's party, thrown in November to avoid ...

Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle

issue 4502 | 01.05.09 | News

DUNDEE, IL—"This is what Christmas is all about," said a police investigator, who found the unconscious body after responding to complaints... more»
Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic

issue 4249 | 12.05.06 | News

NEW YORK—A series of brightly colored and inoffensive ad campaigns will also target the key fuckbrain and asshat market segments. more»
Activist Judge Cancels Christmas

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Liberal Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled that the celebration of Christmas, and any directly related good cheer, is unconstitutional. more»
Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | News

MADISON, WI—The holidays evoke images of carolers and hot cocoa, sleigh rides through the crisp country air, and chestnuts roasting on an open... more»
Non-Widescreen Version Of DVD Received As Hanukkah Gift

issue 3949 | 12.17.03 | News

BROOKLYN, NY—Self-described film buff Tyler Rosenstein was disappointed to receive a non-letterboxed "full screen" version of the movie The... more»
Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5

issue 3847 | 12.18.02 | News

SOUTHFIELD, MI—The Ghost of Christmas Future said he has visited more than 125,000 homes since Thanksgiving, offering children an agonizing... more»
Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together

issue 3746 | 12.19.01 | News

RUTLAND, VT—In what has become an annual holiday tradition, the dysfunctional Dawes family came together Sunday to sit in front of the TV and watch... more»
Mom Brought To Tears By Thing Picked Up At Airport

issue 3719 | 05.09.01 | News

COLUMBIA, MO—Joan Hadler wept tears of joy over a cheap, last-minute present bought at an airport gift shop. more»
Feds Uncover Secret Santa Ring

issue 3546 | 12.15.99 | News

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The FBI arrested 34 people and seized $157 in small, tasteful presents Monday in what is believed to be the largest bust of a... more»
Second Deadly Monster Truck Accident

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | American Voices

Eight days after a 6-year-old boy was killed at a monster truck rally in Tacoma, WA, a promoter was struck and killed this weekend at a truck show... more»
Marijuana Use Linked To Testicular Cancer

issue 4507 | 02.11.09 | American Voices

A study from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle found that marijuana smokers had an increased risk of developing testicular... more»
Jackie Chan Endorses Government Control Of Chinese

issue 4517 | 04.21.09 | American Voices

While addressing a group of Chinese businessmen, Jackie Chan spoke out against freedoms for the Chinese people, saying that if they weren't... more»
Cow Genome Outlined

issue 4520 | 05.18.09 | American Voices

After six years of work, 300 scientists have unraveled the bovine genome, which may lead to better milk and meat production. What do you... more»
Men's Health Department Proposed

issue 4519 | 05.06.09 | American Voices

Reps. Barron Hill (D-IN) and Tim Murphy (R-PA) introduced legislation that would create an Office of Men's Health within the Department of Health... more»
Jessica Biel Searches Infectious

issue 4535 | 08.27.09 | American Voices

According to a study by McAfee, 20 percent of all searches for actress Jessica Biel will return results infected with a virus or malware. What do... more»
30 Years Of The Walkman

issue 4528 | 07.07.09 | American Voices

Portable music became a reality 30 years ago with the introduction of the Sony Walkman. What do you think? more»
Broke Dad Makes Son A PlayStation 2 For Christmas

issue 4552 | 12.24.09 | Radio
Kwanzaa Holiday Sales Figures Disappointing

issue 4552 | 12.22.09 | Radio
Millions Die Domesticating Bloodthirsty Cow

issue 4552 | 12.20.09 | Radio
Survey: Positive Things Better Than Negative Things

issue 4552 | 11.19.09 | Radio
6-Year-Old Cries When Told MTM Productions Kitten Dead By Now

issue 4552 | 11.30.07 | Radio
Ambitious Cat Lady Demands 110 Percent From Her Cats

issue 4552 | 11.30.07 | Radio
Cat Fancy Magazine Blasts Area Kitten

issue 4552 | 11.30.07 | Radio
Check It Out: Deer

issue 4552 | 11.21.09 | News In Photos
Billboard Seems Oddly Proud Sting Will Be Playing At Foxwoods Casino

issue 4552 | 11.17.09 | News In Photos
It Is Not A Wonderful Life

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | Columnists

Another miserable year on this dismal rock has come and gone. As for myself, this was one of the worst years I've ever experienced. It was right up... more»
Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!

issue 4250 | 12.12.06 | Commentary

Season's greetings from your old friend Santa! My, oh, my, only 12 nights left until Christmas Eve! Things are getting so close now, we can... more»
Our Troops Send Holiday Wishes For Peace, Goodwill, And Body Armor

issue 4350 | 12.13.07 | Video

In this special feature, troops overseas talk about things that make the season special, like modular tactical vests and M40 field protective masks. more»
Report: Nation’s Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas

issue 4350 | 12.02.07 | Video

The nation’s poor get to experience true Christmas spirit, while the wealthy, burdened by shopping and party obligations, are left out in the cold. more»
Aunts And Stepdads Line Up For This Year's Hottest Gift: The Electric Tea Kettle

issue 4451 | 12.15.08 | Video

Across the country, aunts and stepdads are braving crowds to get their hands on the perfect gift for the relatives they barely know. more»
Holiday Maze Time

issue 4552 | 12.21.09 | Slideshow
The Onion's Holiday Magazine

issue 4552 | 12.21.09 | Sunday Magazine
Inside The Obama White House: Specifically The Air Conditioning Duct Near The West Wing

issue 4552 | 11.20.09 | Sunday Magazine
Norman Esiason Finally Outgrows Childish Nickname

issue 4552 | 11.19.09 | Photo Finish
Additional Fee To Apply

issue 4552 | 11.29.09 | Newswire
Senior Center Activities Coordinator Bets Those Hands Can Go Higher Than Those Heads

issue 4552 | 11.20.09 | Newswire
Parent Mad 6-Year-Old Didn't Like Peanuts Special

issue 3746 | 12.19.01 | News In Brief

ROSE HILL, VA—Bruce Pillard, 34, was angered Tuesday over his 6-year-old daughter's indifferent reaction to A Charlie Brown Christmas. "That... more»
Santa Signs Legislation To Help Special-Wants Children

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News In Brief

NORTH POLE—Kristofer Kringle, an international toy distributor popularly known as "Santa Claus," approved elf-penned legislation Monday that... more»
Cretinous Reprobate Home For The Holidays

issue 3420 | 12.16.98 | News In Brief

MONTPELIER, VT—Mark Wilens, a 41-year-old cretinous reprobate who relocated to California six years ago, is back home in Vermont for the holidays,... more»
Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced

issue 4350 | 12.13.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Amid a growing list of domestic and international concerns such as skyrocketing fuel prices, the slumping dollar, massive... more»
Vatican Employees Unable To Relax At Holiday Party With Pope Around

issue 4249 | 12.04.06 | News In Brief

VATICAN CITY—According to various cardinals and nuns attending the Vatican's holiday party last night, festivities were made awkward by... more»
Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | News In Brief

UTICA, NY—Art Schultz, better known as the Senpike Mall's Santa Claus, carried out the management-issued directive to push fine china... more»
Fall Internship Pays Off With Coveted Winter Internship

issue 4402 | 01.10.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—New York University student Dave Werner announced Monday that he has successfully parlayed an unpaid fall internship at the... more»
Real-Life Grinch Celebrates 'Hanukkah'

issue 3646 | 12.20.00 | News In Brief

FREDONIA, KS–A real-life Grinch was found Monday in Fredonia, where, unlike his fellow residents, Josh Baum refuses to celebrate Christmas. "I'm... more»
Baby Jesus Stolen From Live Nativity

issue 4350 | 12.11.07 | News In Photos
Recalled Holiday Toys

issue 4051 | 12.22.04 | Infographic

The U.S Consumer Product Safety Comission recently released its annual list of recalled toys. Which items should parents avoid buying? more»
How Are We Cooking The Goose?

issue 3949 | 12.17.03 | Statshot
Editorial Cartoon - December 7, 2009

issue 4550 | 12.07.09 | Editorial Cartoon

The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

© Copyright 2010 Onion Inc. All rights reserved.

Meet Other Onion Readers

more personals »