Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 9, 2010 - January 15, 2010 | Issue 46•01

Cat Refuses To Die

SOMERVILLE, MA—Despite his advanced age, near-complete physical decay, and constant bouts of renal failure, area cat Socrates vehemently refuses to die, sources reported...

Man Gets Life In Order For 36 Minutes

issue 4601 | 01.09.10 | News

JACKSONVILLE, FL—"It was nice to get some chores out of the way," Terry Oberlin told reporters later, acknowledging that for more than half an... more»
Clint Eastwood Continues Desperate, 40-Year Attempt To Win Over Unimpressed Man

issue 4601 | 01.07.10 | News

LOS ANGELES—Five-time Academy Award winner and Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood attended a press junket Tuesday to promote his new film... more»
Nation's Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau Of Masochism Reports

issue 4601 | 01.05.10 | News

WASHINGTON—"The vast majority of U.S. citizens are simply not receiving the physical punishment they deserve,” said Masochism Bureau chief... more»
New Grown-Up Monitor Allows Children To Listen In On Parents Crying

issue 4601 | 01.11.10 | News In Brief

EAST AURORA, NY—Fisher-Price announced the release of a new grown-up monitor Monday that will allow children to remotely keep tabs on... more»
Several Probably Killed In Shooting, Lazy Police Report Confirms

issue 4601 | 01.07.10 | News In Brief

AKRON, MI—According to a hastily written police report, anywhere from several to half a dozen people were killed at some point Monday... more»
Attractive Woman, Wealthy Man Somehow Making It Work

issue 4601 | 01.06.10 | News In Brief

GREENWICH, CT—Despite their disparate backgrounds, lack of mutual interests, and seemingly insurmountable gap in age, former Miss... more»
Man Unable To Wear Nice Clothes Without Everyone Asking Questions

issue 4601 | 01.05.10 | News In Brief

MENASHA, WI—Expressing his growing frustration, IT support technician Chris Brennan, 28, told reporters Monday that he is incapable of... more»
Department Of Interior Employee Caught Embezzling 50,000 Wolves

issue 4601 | 01.04.10 | News In Brief

BILLINGS, MT—In what is being called the largest wildlife embezzlement scheme in more than 40 years, Department of Interior employee... more»
Everyone At Hospital Already Hates Wes Welker

issue 4601 | 01.08.10 | Sports News

BOSTON—Though injured New England Patriots wide receiver Wes Welker has only been in the hospital for five days, doctors, nurses, support... more»
Dodd Steps Down

issue 4601 | 01.08.10 | American Voices

In the wake of his failed bid for president and sliding poll numbers, Sen. Christopher Dodd (D-CT) announced Wednesday that he would not seek... more»
Would-Be Bomber's Visa Revoked

issue 4601 | 01.07.10 | American Voices

The State Department announced Tuesday that it has revoked the visa of Nigerian Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the man who tried to blow up a... more»
Beatty Bedded 12,775 Women, Book Says

issue 4601 | 01.06.10 | American Voices

According to a biography by Peter Biskind, actor Warren Beatty has had sex with approximately 12,775 women in the past 52 years. What do you... more»
6 Million Live On Only Food Stamps

issue 4601 | 01.05.10 | American Voices

Around 6 million Americans report that food stamps are their only source of income. What do you think? more»
Most People Exposed To Secondhand Smoke

issue 4601 | 01.04.10 | American Voices

According to the World Health Organization, over 94 percent people around the globe are unprotected from secondhand smoke. What do you think? more»
Jews' Covenant With God Is Up For Renewal

issue 4601 | 01.07.10 | Radio
Area Bass Player Fellated

issue 4601 | 01.05.10 | Radio
Prince Charles Brutally Seizes British Crown

issue 4601 | 01.03.10 | Radio
Redwood Tree Completes 300-Year Plan To Lean Slightly To Left

issue 4601 | 01.09.10 | News In Photos
Virgin Mary Night-Light Stares Accusingly As Christian Teen Masturbates

issue 4601 | 01.05.10 | News In Photos
I Have Finally Achieved The Status Of Gamma Male

issue 4601 | 01.05.10 | Commentary

Listen up, world. It's been a long, hard road, but here I am, at the top of the heap. Well, not the top, exactly, but pretty darn close.... more»
Tonight I'm Going To Party Like It's The 10th Anniversary of 1999!

issue 4601 | 01.07.10 | Columnists

10…9…8…7…6…5… 4…3…2…1…Happy New Ye-—oops! I've already broken all of my... more»
Your Horoscopes

issue 4601 | 01.05.10 | Horoscopes
Hangover Cures

issue 4601 | 01.06.10 | Infographic

The holidays are a traditional time for overindulgence in alcohol. Here are some of the more common hangover cures: Take... more»
How Did We Embarrass Ourselves At The Office Party?

issue 4601 | 01.06.10 | Statshot
Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen

issue 4601 | 01.07.10 | Video

Congo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food. more»
VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill

issue 4601 | 01.04.10 | Video

Clean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2,000 pounds of highly concentrated slut. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4601 | 01.11.10 | Slideshow
Report: No Better Time Than Now To Physically Attack Gilbert Arenas

issue 4601 | 01.08.10 | Photo Finish
Changing The Way We Think About Mental Illness: Anyone Really Up For Doing That?

issue 4601 | 01.08.10 | Sunday Magazine
Laundromat Employee Has Seen It All, Lint-Wise

issue 4601 | 01.08.10 | Newswire
Judaism Assumed

issue 4601 | 01.06.10 | Newswire
BREAKING: Terror Attack Failure Costs Detroit 10,000 Construction Jobs

issue 4601 | 01.05.10 | Breaking News
New 'Battlestar Galactica' Spin-Off Retells Story From Viewpoint Of Wife Who Hated It

issue 4601 | 01.04.10 | Newswire