Montessori School Of Dentistry Lets Students Discover Their Own Root Canal Procedures
Sports »
LeBron James Encourages NBA To Stop Jumping In Honor Of Michael Jordan
WASHINGTON—Prior to Wednesday's game against the Washington Wizards, Cleveland Cavaliers all-star LeBron James announced that he would stop jumping during professional basketball games in order to properly honor recent Hall of Fame inductee Michael Jordan. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole'
FORT HOOD, TX—Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan's shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week that left 13 people......more»
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Infographic »
Obama Weighs Options In Afghanistan
Pressure is mounting on President Obama to make a decision on the future of Afghanistan.
Here are the options currently being......more»
Local
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Man Raised By Wolves Worried He's Slowly Turning Into Father
INVERMERE, BC—Calling it a "real wake-up call," local claims adjuster Paul Koda'wahya told reporters Monday that he has finally reached the......more»
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National News Highlights »
JUPITER,FL-After a protracted turf war over the prime knitting table in the Citrus Heights Retirement Community rec room, a fragile détente was brokered between the Wheelies and the Walkers.
World
Entertainment
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Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War
NEW MUNICH—"Imagine, if you will, a world in which Hitler's celebrated master plan had ended in ignominious failure, and the Allies had somehow emerged the victors," the show's creator, Leonhardt Riefenstahl, said during an appearance on Entertainment Heute Nacht....more»
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Horoscopes »
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
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TV Listings »
Retired Guy Working At A Hardware Store
HGTV
8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
Donny tells some chump right where to get off when the idiot doesn't even have the sense to bring in the lid of the paint he wants another can of.
Science & Technology
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Report: 65% Of All Wildlife Now Used As Homosexual Subculture Signifier
PALO ALTO, CA—A study released Tuesday by the Stanford University Department of Linguistics revealed that nearly two-thirds of all animal......more»
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News In Photos »
CNBC Cameraman Can’t Believe He’s Filming Another Blog Off A Computer Monitor
Opinion
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Commentary »
This Would Be The Best Mental Hospital Ever If Elliott Gould Weren't Hiding In The ToiletI've been a patient at the Sunhaven Mental Health Center for about six months now, and I honestly can't say enough about what a fantastic......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
The Yankees won the World Series. So what? Go fuck yourself.
Todd Baines, Philadelphia, PA
Economy
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Video »
Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus
Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree....more»
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Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living
CHARLOTTE, NC—Dawning horror tinged with self-loathing crept slowly over the face of claims adjuster Robert Pettlebaum, 42, as he described......more»
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Stockwatch »
YHOO
Yahoo!Internet users responded negatively when they learned the firm's "It's you" ad campaign was aimed directly at Marvin Holochwost, a second-year business major.
