Apple Finally Unveils iPad

Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled Apple's new tablet computer, the iPad, during a presentation in San Francisco last week. Here are some of its features:

• Awkward name enables Twitter users to make the same joke over and over and over again
• Super slick design makes it impossible to hold, pick up, or stop from sliding down the street
• Softly whimpers if left alone for too long
• Maureen Dowd New York Times column generator
• Photo album of the Jobs family summer vacation in Aruba
• Free pair of black-rimmed glasses, turtleneck, and position at New York City architecture firm
• Can withstand breezes up to 3 mph
• To ensure that its users receive the constant public attention they crave, the iPad will emit the phrase "Hey, does that guy have an iPad?" every eight minutes