Outdoor summer fun makes it easy for sedentary Americans to fit ten months of injury into one vacation period. Rather than waste time at the doctor, The Onion has provided a list of remedies for the more common out-of-doors afflictions.

problem: Ice-cream headaches
solution: Ice-cream aspirin

problem: Red, peeling skin due to sunburn
solution: Before going outside, bathe yourself in liquid galium alloy, which will form a mirrored crust around you, making your skin completely reflective.

problem: Jellyfish stings and coral scrapes
solution: Always carry a gun with you when you swim, If you see jellyfish or coral while you are in the ocean, shoot them immediately.

problem: Watermelons growing in your stomach after accidentally swallowing the seeds
solution: Currently there is no cure for watermelons growing in your stomach. If you accidentally swallow a watermelon seed, you will have three to five days before your stomach explodes, killing you in an excruciating fashion

problem: Ice-cream truck music stuck in head
solution: Eliminate the ice-cream man

problem: Unwanted sand castle demolition
solution: Quit being a Puny Pete! Buy this surefire, 100 percent guaranteed Triple-Max Weight Gainer, and keep that honey of yours from wandering off with that chump with bigger biceps!

problem: Summer makes you feel kind of like you might be gay. Maybe. But only just a little.
solution: You're gay. Just run with it and have fun out there.