Ohio Legalized Casinos
"This could really put Cincinnati on the map."
Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
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Man Raised By Wolves Worried He's Slowly Turning Into Father
INVERMERE, BC—Calling it a "real wake-up call," local claims adjuster Paul Koda'wahya told reporters Monday that he has finally reached the age where he finds himself acting more and more...
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Group Of Good-Looking People All Headed Toward Same Place
DOWNTOWN—A procession of strikingly attractive people, tastefully dressed for an evening out and sporting high-priced yet pleasantly understated fragrances, passed by you on their way uptown...
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College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School
COCONUT CREEK, FL—Less than five months after graduating from Bayshore High School, 18-year-old Henry Doyle returned to his lowly alma mater Monday a wise and conquering college freshman....
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Just Area Man's Luck
KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was just his goddamn luck. Although the 32-year-old HR...
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Rude Guy Unfortunately Says Something Funny
LOWELL, MA—Coworkers having a drink Friday at the Blue Shamrock Pub reported feeling disgusted with themselves for laughing—and in some cases even cracking up—at a remark made by...
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House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents
HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out,...
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Retiree Gearing Up For Errands With Lady Friend
POMPANO BEACH, FL—Following a breakfast of shredded wheat and grapefruit juice, 76-year-old Martin Schoenfeld shaved, tied his shoes, and put on a fresh shirt in preparation for an afternoon...
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Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern...
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Great Escapes
See The Splendor Of The Grand Canyon (Of Oklahoma)
Ask the 3.6 hundred tourists who visited the Grand Canyon (of Oklahoma) this year, and they will tell you that it is more than a great chasm carved out more than 13 years ago by Oklahoma residents Steve and Brian Metzner. With a span of 227 yards and an average depth of 15 feet, the Grand Canyon (of Oklahoma) is one of the Eight Wonders of Oklahoma.
Unsung Heroes
Risking her dignity, her reputation, and her career, Elizabeth Walsh went ahead and sat five of the six O'Keefes at their table, even though their entire party was not yet present.
Weddings
Despite his director's wishes, this morning screenwriter John Scarpello, 31, was married to the use of the main character's car as a metaphor for life.
Community Calendar
Oct. 20
At 12:00 p.m. on Oct. 20, Dr. Harry Hatlin will be giving a lunchtime lecture at the senior center on "How To Break Out Of Your Retirement Home."
