Ohio Legalized Casinos
"This could really put Cincinnati on the map."
College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School
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Just Area Man's Luck
KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was just his goddamn luck. Although the 32-year-old HR...
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Rude Guy Unfortunately Says Something Funny
LOWELL, MA—Coworkers having a drink Friday at the Blue Shamrock Pub reported feeling disgusted with themselves for laughing—and in some cases even cracking up—at a remark made by...
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House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents
HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out,...
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Retiree Gearing Up For Errands With Lady Friend
POMPANO BEACH, FL—Following a breakfast of shredded wheat and grapefruit juice, 76-year-old Martin Schoenfeld shaved, tied his shoes, and put on a fresh shirt in preparation for an afternoon...
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Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern...
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Man Pinned Beneath Car Wondering When Adrenaline Going To Kick In
WAUWATOSA, WI—With the lower half of his body pinned beneath the two-ton bulk of an overturned Jeep, Dennis Wagar told reporters Monday that he was still waiting for the adrenaline surge...
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Privileged Little Artiste Writing Something Oh-So-Precious Into His Moleskine Notebook
SAN FRANCISCO—After gently unfastening the elastic strap keeping his dearest musings safe from prying eyes, little literary artiste Evan Stansky penned a few more darling thoughts into his...
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Area Man Has Far Greater Knowledge Of Marvel Universe Than Own Family Tree
LA CROSSE, WI—Returning to his hometown to attend a cousin's wedding Saturday, Josh Sundling, 29, reportedly demonstrated on numerous occasions a vast, far more intricate understanding of...
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Weddings
Despite his director's wishes, this morning screenwriter John Scarpello, 31, was married to the use of the main character's car as a metaphor for life.
Community Calendar
Oct. 20
At 12:00 p.m. on Oct. 20, Dr. Harry Hatlin will be giving a lunchtime lecture at the senior center on "How To Break Out Of Your Retirement Home."
Great Escapes
Turks And Caicos!
Are you ultra-wealthy and ultra-bored with Caribbean nations that offer just one name? Then kiss your ennui goodbye and point your yacht toward Turks and Caicos. This beautiful country has everything you expect in a tropical destination, plus an extra name!
Unsung Heroes
Residence hall director Maureen Kane allowed a student to call her "Aunt Maureen" out of earshot of the others.
