Michael Jackson Dead
"Why do the really weird celebrities who probably already wish they were dead anyway always have to die so young?"
King Of Pop Dead At 12
LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic animals for his Neverland Ranch, died from sudden cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 12....
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Justin Timberlake Apathetically Crowned King Of Pop
LOS ANGELES—Performer Justin Timberlake, whose hit albums include Justified and FutureSex/LoveSounds, was crowned the de facto "King of Pop" Monday by recording-industry...
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Michael Jackson's Reputation For Punctuality In Ruins
SANTA BARBARA, CA (Mar. 11)—Michael Jackson, the one-time "King Of Pop," had his well-established reputation for punctuality tarnished Friday when he arrived late to...
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Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson
SANTA BARBARA, CA—During a search for evidence at the Neverland Valley Ranch, investigators discovered a corpse that has been identified as that of Michael Jackson, Santa Barbara police...
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Cash-Strapped Michael Jackson Forced To Sell Off Pet Giraffes As Meat
NEVERLAND VALLEY RANCH, CA—Nearly bankrupt due to Sony exploitation and under-promotion, Michael Jackson was forced to sell more than two dozen of his beloved pet giraffes to exotic-meat...
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Michael Jackson Deposed As King Of Pop In Hitless Coup
LOS ANGELES— After a two-decade reign as King Of Pop, Michael Jackson was overthrown Tuesday in a hitless coup. "Following the lackluster performance of Invincible and its mildly received...
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A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again
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SPRINGFIELD, MO—Were this an ordinary Tuesday night, Wendy Vance would return home from her receptionist job at a Springfield chiropractor's office and spend the evening engaged...
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New Rap Song Samples 'Billie Jean' In Its Entirety, Adds Nothing
NEW YORK—Noted rapper/producer Sean "Puffy" Combs released his hotly anticipated new single Tuesday, "Tha Kidd (Is Not My Son)," which samples Michael Jackson's 1983 smash "Billie Jean" in its...
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