Historical Archives: Thousands More Teeth Lost | The Onion

In late 1783, change was sweeping the Western world. The Revolutionary War had drawn to a close, the Treaty of Paris had been signed, Mozart's Great Mass was performed for the first time, and, with the Montgolfier brothers' balloon, mankind was poised on the threshold of flight. And only one newspaper, H. Ulysses Zweibel's The Onion, had the courage to stand against it all. Here, for the first time ever, is a reprint edition of The Onion's October 6, 1783 issue.

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New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands

A great Worrye gripps the Metropolis of New Yorke, fmrly, New Amsterdam, from which we should all take cautionary Instrucktion, that we might stop this dangerous Trend, before Disaster and Catastrophe be-fall us. I speak of the Danger of...read more
Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want read more
Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright read more
Humor In Shackles read more
One May Now Toil From Home read more

A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying

In the Port of Boston, the Matter of delivering SWIFT and EXACT Justice to the notorious Candle Pinch Thaddeus SMITH was postponed, owing to the unexpected Appearance of an humorous Downy Duck. In the Moments prior to the Thief SMITH being...read more
Our Nation's Monthly Leisure Time Rises To A Staggering Total Of Three Minutes read more
John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver read more
Hay Thieves Strike Again read more

U.S. Troops In Iraq Excited To Finally Return To Afghanistan

BAGHDAD—Since the announcement, Military officials have noticed improved morale, with many soldiers looking forward to returning to the one place where they felt they truly belonged.read more
Two Feared Dead In Near-By Child-Birth read more
To Be Sold - Two Chamber Pot House read more
To-day In American History read more
A Salt Cake Recipe read more

A Mischievous Woman Wander'd Outside Of Home

The gentle town of HARRISBURG was confronted with a most Worrisome and Shocking sight the day before last, one owing to the sudden appearance of Wyfe and Child-Bearer MARGARET COOK from the Interior of her Home. Defying all Reason, COOK was...read more
Facial Corsets For Ladies, Finally read more

Man Always Attempts To Intercept Tossed Things

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—According to sources at McNamara Advertising Inc., junior account executive Matthew Burns, 28, will attempt to catch or...read more
Immoral Woodcut Discovered In Hay Loft read more
A Most Drunken John Adams Makes The Promise To "Put" Man Upon The Moon read more
Opera Lyrics Blamed For Recent Spate Of Regicides read more
Why Will No-One Take My Idea For The Tele-Vision Seriously? read more

To-day In American History

In TENNESSEE, famed United States Senator and long-time Governor of Louisiana, Henry JOHNSON, will be born later To-day. read more
M. Webster's New "Dictionary" Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words read more
Will New York Someday Be Too Crowded For Farming? read more
New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands read more
Benedict Arnold Is A Modern Day's Anthony Babington read more

Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want

In their infinite Wisdom and Compassion, the Founders of our Young Republic have seen fit to bestow upon we Americans, the Wise and Enlightened Sons of the Re-Formation, the Religious Freedom to practise with out re-percussion, any of the number...read more
Great God, The Stenche read more
New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle read more
Is It Too Soon To Use The Boston Massacre As A Source Of Humour? read more
Secret Society Of Free-Bakers Has Fail'd To Gain Influence read more

Alexander Hamilton Challenges Nation To A Duel

BE IT KNOWN that ALEXANDER HAMILTON, once a serveant to the American People in the halls of CONGRESS and now practicing law in the State of New York, has challenged the Populace of the very Nation he once serv'd as Leader, to a Duel. Owing to...read more
I Cannot Help That Women Are Oft Attracted To A Successful Pamphleteer read more
Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern! read more
Is Our Nation Ready For A Negro Citizen? read more
Bald Eagles Evr'y Where read more

Wide-Spread Powder Shortage Confounds Nation's Bewigged.

Wide-spread powder shortage confounds nation's bewigged. More News to follow in a Fort-Night.read more
General Washington Hints At A 'Bid' For Presidency in 1789 read more
Iroquois Inſurgency Quelled By Gov’t.! read more
The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid read more
The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel read more

Kid-ney Bean Shaped Organ Recently Discovered

By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an Organelle of the Body, an' that Human; excis'd from the Back & Mottl'd Purple in Colour, and very like a Kiddney-Bean in SHAPE, which when Remov'd causes Expiration, as with all Organs. By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an...read more
A Puzzle For The Mind read more
A Jest For You read more
Dances You May Wish To Try read more
Opera Lyrics Blamed For Recent Spate Of Regicides read more

Why Will No-One Take My Idea For The Tele-Vision Seriously?

Ex-Tractus from a Letter, by one Ben'j Franklin, Dilettante, Meddler In Affairs Foreign & Domestick, late of PHILADELPHIA, presently...read more
Last Month's Weather read more
M. Webster's New "Dictionary" Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words read more
New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish read more
Owls Deemed Arse-Holes read more

Popular Hymns heard sung of late.

"O, O, O Lord, O, O". "These Lesions, Ho, Are The Lord's Lesions". "Yea, How The Lord Doth Despise Us". Untitled...read more
To Be Sold - Carved Wooden Heads read more
I Cannot Help That Women Are Oft Attracted To A Successful Pamphleteer read more
The Twenty Top-Most Books In Print At Present read more
Thousands More Teeth Lost read more

The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches

From the honest and sworn Captain of the barque Scylla, freshly return'd from the Baltic: News of the Existence of a modern Longshanks, a veritable GIANT before whom many tremble. Said Pantagruel, who makes his Residence in...read more
Ben Franklin Inventions This Week read more
The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid read more

Immoral Woodcut Discovered In Hay Loft

By Constabulary SEIZED, upon its being found in a Hay-Wain's-Loft, a most Immoral and corruptatious WOOD-CUT...read more
A Brief "Bring-You-Up-To-Date" read more
Weekley Duel Results read more
Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd "Battle of Bull Run" read more
Will New York Someday Be Too Crowded For Farming? read more

14 Are Killed In 6-Hour-Long Schoolhouse Musket Shooting

SHOTTEN DEAD, in a school house in Western VIRGINIA, over the course of Six HOURS, by a Musket-wielding Gun-Man, were 14 Students, may GOD rest their Souls, and may He damn for-ever their fellow Student, an' him sore vexed in the Heade, who...read more
Great God, The Stenche read more
Humor In Shackles read more
News Of Revolutionary War's Conclusion Finally Reaches Southwestern Pennsilvania read more
Ship's Log read more

A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying

In the Port of Boston, the Matter of delivering SWIFT and EXACT Justice to the notorious Candle Pinch Thaddeus SMITH was postponed, owing to the unexpected Appearance of an humorous Downy Duck. In the Moments prior to the Thief SMITH being...read more
Satan, Dark Harbinger Of Wickedness, Afflickts Townsfolk With String Of Ploughing Mishaps read more
Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern! read more
Thousands More Teeth Lost read more
John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver read more

That Inspirational Piper of '76 Has At Last Succumbed To His Head-Wounds

F>rom BOSTON comes dread News of the Death, after long-suffr'ing his Injurie, of Samuel Rush, who lest we suffer from Forget-ful-ness, was the worthy GentleMan, so often portrayed† in Song and Woodcut, as bleeding from grievous Blows to the...read more
Hay Thieves Strike Again read more
Notice To The Publik read more
Amazing Publick Spectacle! read more
The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches read more

Mule-Deaths Of Late

Mon-day. Belonging to M. SEXTON, Dottie. Tues-day. Belonging to A. BROWNE, Sour Mash. Belonging to F. WESTON, Corporal Thiſtleweed. Belonging to P....read more