Pack Of Baseball Cards Comes With Doubles Of Jose Fucking Contreras

September 5, 2009 | Issue 45•36 | Onion Sports

SAN FRANCISCO—In what was described as a "total fucking rip-off," collector Kirk Poole purchased a pack of Topps baseball cards containing not one, but two cards featuring former White Sox pitcher Jose Fucking Contreras. "Fucking Contreras again? You've got to be kidding me," a visibly frustrated and crestfallen Poole said. "I couldn't get one Tim Cocksucking Lincecum, or even a Motherfucking [Bengie] Molina? Oh, I know, I'll just sell the extra one on eBay for $10,000. Yeah, that or Topps can suck my fucking dick." Poole later admitted that it was pretty cool to get Ken Griffey, Jr. in a Mariners uniform again.