Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year

January 16, 2008 | Issue 44•03

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Agriculture unveiled an updated, extremely detailed food pyramid Monday, which may redefine the way Americans plan their yearly intake of such food groups as shrimp scampi, garlic bread, and steak tartares with a side of mini grilled corn on the cobs. "Two servings of shrimp scampi per year is absolutely essential, and it is preferable that one be a microwaveable meal from the Contessa frozen-foods line, and the other be eaten at a fancy restaurant, like the Lobster Tail off Route 22, on a nice summer evening with the woman you love," acting Agriculture Secretary Chuck Conner said. "All healthy adults should also incorporate four bowls of Cookie Crisp cereal, 223 to 228 salted pretzel rods, one plate of Hamburger Helper cheeseburger macaroni, six to eight Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies, and no more than two Fla-Vor-Ice-brand ice pops into their yearly diet." The nutrition guide highly recommends taking two bites from an undercooked hot dog on July 12 every year and then throwing the rest away.