Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your habit of falling out of trees, attempting to hide behind signposts, and following three feet behind people in broad daylight will force the government to adopt stricter ninja-certification standards.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Tuffers, a 4-year-old German shepherd, will make headlines and be honored nationwide after saving six people, but conspicuously not you, from an apartment-building fire.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
It'd been about eight months since your personal hell disappeared overnight, but unfortunately, those stubby little buds on your forehead mean your antlers are back.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Although you've never wanted to accomplish anything in your life as far as career and family are concerned, time travelers will persist on trying to kill you, simply because you make such great panic noises.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The wheelchair and the indignity will be bad enough, but the worst part is going to be explaining to your wife exactly what you said to the genie to make him take off your legs like that.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars, in their infinite cosmic wisdom, indicate that you should check out this radiation cloud on the far side of the Horsehead Nebula. It totally looks like Jesus.
Libra September 23 - October 23
After 10 years of marriage, sex is beginning to feel routine, mechanical, and artificial, which is just how you like it.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The mayor of Los Angeles continues to say you've got to go, which is strange, since you've never been anywhere near Los Angeles in your life.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your utter self-confidence and endless optimism will provide boundless, if temporary, comfort to those trapped with you in the burning bus.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your cycle of drug, alcohol, and sex addiction will get even worse this week, but only for you personally. Most of your friends are still enjoying the hell out of it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You've never been much of a people person, so it will annoy you no end when most of your town stops by on Friday for no reason but to hang out.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will soon take a rather unromantic but extremely long night journey over and through a large body of water.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.