Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It’s time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You’ll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There’s trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
They think they’ve won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The pain off your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you’ll swear you can still feel it itching.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While it’s true that you’re a sharecropper's son, it’s because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum—but you promised her you wouldn’t...
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
