Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It’s time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You’ll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
There’s trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
Leo July 23 - August 22
They think they’ve won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The pain off your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you’ll swear you can still feel it itching.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
While it’s true that you’re a sharecropper's son, it’s because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum—but you promised her you wouldn’t...
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.