Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It’s time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You’ll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There’s trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
They think they’ve won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The pain off your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you’ll swear you can still feel it itching.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While it’s true that you’re a sharecropper's son, it’s because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum—but you promised her you wouldn’t...
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.
