Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You've heard the phrase "Dead men tell no tales," but you sure wish someone had told the overly talkative zombie sitting next to you on the plane.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
All those people who think a person can't be both creative and productive now have you as proof.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Next week, you will find yourself in an office romance. Unfortunately, all the female employees will have been replaced by shrieking drag queens.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll be excited to learn that you will be one of the items included in the gift bags at this year's Oscars.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The good news is, at long last, your time machine works. The bad news is that you won't be lying about being a disabled Vietnam veteran anymore.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Remember: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road. By the way, do you have to be told fucking everything?
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will soon be in demand among domestically oriented women when it turns out you're made of Corian, a desirable countertop material.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A drunk Willie Nelson will call you at 3 a.m. to "apologize," but then spends an hour complaining that no one knows he wrote "Crazy."
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If people call you cold and unfeeling, remind them how long and hard you cried over that dead Bee Gee.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your name will soon be used as a stirring rallying cry for the installation of airbags on brick walls.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.