Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've heard the phrase "Dead men tell no tales," but you sure wish someone had told the overly talkative zombie sitting next to you on the plane.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
All those people who think a person can't be both creative and productive now have you as proof.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Next week, you will find yourself in an office romance. Unfortunately, all the female employees will have been replaced by shrieking drag queens.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be excited to learn that you will be one of the items included in the gift bags at this year's Oscars.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The good news is, at long last, your time machine works. The bad news is that you won't be lying about being a disabled Vietnam veteran anymore.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road. By the way, do you have to be told fucking everything?
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon be in demand among domestically oriented women when it turns out you're made of Corian, a desirable countertop material.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A drunk Willie Nelson will call you at 3 a.m. to "apologize," but then spends an hour complaining that no one knows he wrote "Crazy."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If people call you cold and unfeeling, remind them how long and hard you cried over that dead Bee Gee.
