Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
