Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
