Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This holiday season is, as always, a time of terrible stress for you and the rest of the well-formed, eight-foot-tall pine trees.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You would be a lot more comfortable with your home life if you knew why seven-time Winston Cup champion Richard Petty was always hanging around the place.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll have the kind of week that makes you wish your parents had followed through on their military-school threats, but for different, sexier reasons.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll have a thrilling adventure whose recounting will be greatly enjoyed by those willing to sit through your seizures to get to the sign language.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be the toast of forensic investigators from coast to coast for your ability to really spread the ol' fluids around the murder scene.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You were a cop, and a damn good one at that, but you committed the ultimate sin and testified against one of your own. Now, you must pay the price and be doomed to late-night cable syndication.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher–partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
