Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
This holiday season is, as always, a time of terrible stress for you and the rest of the well-formed, eight-foot-tall pine trees.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You would be a lot more comfortable with your home life if you knew why seven-time Winston Cup champion Richard Petty was always hanging around the place.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll have the kind of week that makes you wish your parents had followed through on their military-school threats, but for different, sexier reasons.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll have a thrilling adventure whose recounting will be greatly enjoyed by those willing to sit through your seizures to get to the sign language.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will get a good deal on a major appliance purchase, but that's about it.
Libra September 23 - October 23
An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be the toast of forensic investigators from coast to coast for your ability to really spread the ol' fluids around the murder scene.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You were a cop, and a damn good one at that, but you committed the ultimate sin and testified against one of your own. Now, you must pay the price and be doomed to late-night cable syndication.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher–partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.