Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your decision to start over with a brand-new life is admirable, but to do it properly, you should probably quit your job at Olive Garden.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You aren't the kind of person who enjoys the spotlight, so it's disturbing when you discover that you actually are the center of the universe.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll be truly surprised next week when a British gentleman teaches you the meaning of the word "bugger." Surprised, and rather disappointed.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Good things will happen when you least expect, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your impassioned speech about how use of the word "titties" is never funny will be drowned out by the shrieks of laughter at the word "titties."
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Reality falls short of expectations when you get more–albeit larger–ass than a toilet seat.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If there's one lesson you've learned from the mythic, timeless sport of baseball, you have no idea what it is.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The awesome spiritual powers of the stars exert more influence on you than your own will, as far as that goes.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.