Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your decision to start over with a brand-new life is admirable, but to do it properly, you should probably quit your job at Olive Garden.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You aren't the kind of person who enjoys the spotlight, so it's disturbing when you discover that you actually are the center of the universe.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be truly surprised next week when a British gentleman teaches you the meaning of the word "bugger." Surprised, and rather disappointed.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Good things will happen when you least expect, greatly embarrassing you while you're trying to enjoy a shit in peace.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your impassioned speech about how use of the word "titties" is never funny will be drowned out by the shrieks of laughter at the word "titties."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Reality falls short of expectations when you get more–albeit larger–ass than a toilet seat.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If there's one lesson you've learned from the mythic, timeless sport of baseball, you have no idea what it is.
